When she awoke, she was no longer falling. She was lying on a damp and mossy patch of earth. She lay there for a moment with her eyes closed, considering the situation. She was cold. She was hung over. She was lying uncomfortably on her backpack.
She was apparently sleeping outdoors. And her last vague memories of the night before involved falling out of a talking tree. Of course, she told herself, she had obviously dreamed the talking tree and the falling and she was just sleeping in someone’s garden. It didn’t smell like a garden - and Mary Sue had enough experience in these matters to be fairly sure about what a garden smelt like when you awoke in it after a night on the town - but obviously someone was just experimenting.
She opened one eye. It wasn’t a garden. It was a forest. And it didn’t look like it was a small one either.
‘Bugger me silly,’ said Mary Sue. She sat bolt upright, then clutched at her head. ‘Ohhh.’
It looked like it was morning, although she supposed it could have been afternoon. Daytime, anyway. She closed her eyes and moaned. That was a lesson in not mixing drinks, she thought. She yanked her backpack off her back and scrabbled inside it for aspirin. Mary Sue always carried aspirin, among other things. She took several more than the recommended dose, then moved to sit with her back against a tree so that she could ponder events. Obviously, she had wandered into a forest. The problem was that she had no idea which forest it might be, nor how to get out, nor where in the forest she might actually be. It was possible that if she went one way she would be out of there in minutes and if she went another she would spend the rest of her life there. Admittedly, the rest of her life probably wouldn’t be very long in that case.
She scrabbled in her bag again and discovered her hip flask and an apple. She regarded the hip flask carefully for a moment, then replaced it in the pack. Then she started to eat the apple, still considering her options.
By the time she had finished the apple, she had come to only one conclusion: that she didn’t know what the fuck she was going to do. She decided that she might as well start to walk.
She got her walkman out of her bag and put it on. Then she started walking in what was, she hoped, the direction of the sun. After a few minutes, she started singing along.
The Fellowship of the Ring, sans Gandalf, was heading gloomily toward Lothlorien when they heard it. Legolas, of course, heard it first.
‘Did you hear that?’ he asked, stopping suddenly.
‘No,’ said Gimli.
‘What?’ said Aragorn.
‘It sounds like... some kind of animal in pain.’
The rest of the Fellowship looked at him wearily. Legolas ‘heard’ things a little too often.
‘Seriously!’ he said, ‘I can... Actually, it’s not an animal. I can hear words!’
Frodo frowned. ‘So can I,’ he said, puzzled, ‘They don’t make any sense, but they’re words. It sounded like "I’m the root of all that’s evil, yeah, but you can call me cookie".'
‘Sauron?’ Aragorn suggested.
Boromir rolled his eyes. ‘Do you think Sauron would suggest that he should be called cookie?’
The voice had grown louder and now all of them could hear it.
‘The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!’ it bellowed, unmelodiously, ‘We don’t need no water, let the motherfucker burn! Burn, motherfucker, burn!’
And with that final note, the maker of the noise appeared in view. It was a girl, although not like any girl any of them had ever seen before. For one thing, she had pink hair. Very bright pink hair. She was wearing black leather trousers and a small tight garment on her upper body and carrying what looked like a coat over her arm. On her back was a pack of some kind. Her ears had long thin cords coming from them and her eyes were covered by an oddly shaped black band. She stopped when she saw them. Despite the covering on her eyes, she seemed to be able to see perfectly well, because she looked them over coolly, taking in the array of weapons.
‘Ohhh-k,’ she said, and turned to walk back in the direction she had come from.
‘Wait!’ Legolas called.
She looked over her shoulder. ‘I have very few principles, dude, but one of them is to avoid medieval re-enacters like the plague.’
‘What’s a medieval re-enacter?’ Boromir asked.
The girl put a hand to her head and mumbled something to herself.
‘What’s a purple jesus?’ Legolas asked curiously.
The girl looked at him sharply. ‘Something that was obviously in my drink last night. Or whenever it was.’
‘I am Aragorn,’ Aragorn said, ‘These are...’
‘Who gives a shit?’ the girl snapped, ‘Leaving. Now. Yo, later, dude.’
‘You will easily become lost in these woods.’
‘Then it won’t be too easy for you sword carrying freaks to find me!’
‘Lady,’ Aragorn said, ‘Please. Let us help you.’
‘Ha!’ she said, backing away. To Aragorn’s astonishment, she actually looked frightened. He tried again.
‘Lady, we mean you no harm.’
‘Oh, for pity’s sake, let the girl go!’ Gimli exploded, ‘What help can we possibly give her anyway?’
The girl looked at Gimli. ‘You’re a...’
‘I’m a dwarf. Gimli, son of Gloin.’
‘That some interesting facial hair you’ve got going there.’
Gimli, much to everyone’s astonishment, blushed. The girl removed the covering from her eyes. She still didn’t look like any other girl they had ever seen, because her eyes were rimmed heavily in smudgy black. But at least they were visible. And at least they were actually eyes. She squinted as though the light hurt her eyes.
‘And what are those?’ she gestured to the hobbits.
‘Hobbits,’ Gimli said, ‘And that?’ He jerked his thumb at Legolas. ‘Is an elf.’
‘Where are you from, Lady, that you don’t know these things?’ Aragorn asked.
‘First of all, it’s not Lady, it’s Mary Sue. Second of all, if you try anything, I’ll break your fucking nose. And third of all, where I am from is none of your motherfucking business.’
There was a brief silence.
‘Fair enough then,’ said Aragorn.
‘Just one thing,’ Mary Sue said, ‘Where the hell am I?’
‘You do not know?’ Boromir looked curious, ‘How can you have wandered into the woods of Lothlorien and not know it?’
There was a long and, to Mary Sue, annoying pause as they all stared at her.
‘I didn’t wander,’ she retorted, ‘I fell.’
The eyes of all the party, including the so-far-silent hobbits, looked sceptical.
‘I did!’ she said crossly, replacing her sunglasses with dignity and taking her headphones from her ears, ‘There was a whole thing with a tree and a chosen one. Look, don’t ask me, I was really hammered last night and when I woke up - if I am, in fact, awake, which I’m beginning to doubt - I was here. And since here doesn’t seem to be anywhere near where I was, I deduce that I fell here. Elementary, dear Watson.’
There was another long pause. The company exchanged glances. Mary Sue rolled her eyes.
‘Fine,’ she said, turning to go again, ‘So long, farewell, auf weidersehen, adieu.’
‘Wait!’ said a small voice. She turned back, huffily. It was one of the hobbits.
‘We don’t mean to be rude,’ he said, ‘Many unlikely things happen.’
‘Who’s Watson?’ said another hobbit.
Mary Sue gaped. ‘Watson?’
‘You said, elementary, dear Watson. So who’s Watson? We have no Watsons. I’m Pippin Took.’
‘Frodo,’ said the first hobbit, ‘Frodo Baggins.’
‘Merry Brandybuck.’
‘Samwise Gamgee,’ said the final hobbit, still looking at her suspiciously.
‘Legolas Greenleaf,’ said the elf.
‘Boromir of Gondor,’ said the man who wasn’t Aragorn.
‘Aragorn son of Arathorn,’ said Aragorn.
(Authors note: And there you have it. The traditional naming scene. Don’t argue with me. It was necessary to have Mary Sue actually aware of who the hell these people are. I know we know who they are, but she doesn’t. Ok? Good. At least I didn’t have a chorus, Bill and Ted style: ‘I’m Aragorn son of Arathorn!’ ‘And I’m Frodo Baggins!’ ‘And together we are THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING!)
‘I hope you don’t expect me to remember all those off the top of my head,’ Mary Sue said, ‘Because I have the mother of all hangovers this morning. Or this afternoon.’
‘Come on,’ said Aragorn, ‘We must waste no more time.’
With that, the company started walking again. Mary Sue looked at them for a moment, then followed somewhat unwillingly. She wasn’t sure that this was really a better option than getting lost and starving to death in a forest - she was, for one thing, not sure that she wanted to know why two grown men were parading through a forest with an elf, a dwarf and four hobbits (who looked like children) - but she thought she might as well follow for awhile. There might at least be food in the offing. One of the hobbits (she thought it was Samwise Gamgee) turned back and looked suspiciously at her. On an impulse, she stuck out her tongue at him. He looked startled and hurriedly turned around again.
The thought struck her briefly that, in point of fact, there were no such things as elves, dwarves or hobbits. But since she was becoming ever more convinced that this was merely a very vivid dream, it didn’t seem to matter too much.
They tramped through the forest for a long time, at least from Mary Sue’s point of view.
‘Dude,’ she whined, ‘I’m tired. I’m hung over. I’m fucking starving. Do we get a pit stop at some point?’
Aragorn looked at her. ‘I’m sorry?’
‘Food. Drink. Call of nature.’
‘The lady has a point,’ Pippin agreed, ‘I could certainly do with something to eat.’
‘Fine,’ Aragorn growled. He gestured to Boromir, Gimli and Legolas and the four of them moved off into the forest, leaving Mary Sue alone with the hobbits.
Pippin grinned at Mary Sue. ‘This was a good idea.’
‘I know,’ she said, heaving her backpack off her back. It wasn’t really very heavy, but she’d been carrying it for some time and it had started to feel like it. She started scrabbling through it, finding chocolate, a can of Coke, another apple, a t-shirt and a small leather tobacco pouch.
‘Score!’ she said, regarding the pouch affectionately, ‘I forgot this was in here.’
The hobbits, who had started cooking, looked at her in surprise.
Mary Sue, regarding their pipes, smiled evilly.
‘I have a bad feeling about this,’ Aragorn had said as he, Boromir, Gimli and Legolas had moved away from the others. They were close enough to see the others through the trees and to hear the sounds of their voices, but far enough that their own words would not be understood.
‘Why?’ demanded Gimli, ‘She seems harmless enough. Strange, yes, but harmless.’
‘She’s not very polite,’ Aragorn pointed out.
‘Oh for heaven’s sake, Aragorn,’ Boromir snapped, ‘She came across a party of men... well, males, in the middle of a wood. She was nervous.’
‘She said she fell here.’
‘Perhaps she did,’ Legolas suggested, ‘Stranger things have happened.’
‘Not many,’ Aragorn said, ‘And not on this mission. We can’t afford to be sidetracked. How do we know she’s not a spy of Sauron’s?’
‘Would Sauron choose such an odd spy?’ Legolas asked, ‘And one who seemed so eager to be rid of us?’
‘She’s not a spy,’ Gimli said, a little hotly, ‘She’s just a girl.’
‘We don’t know that,’ Aragorn said.
Boromir sighed. ‘Well, it doesn’t seem likely that we will know until she does something spy-like. If she’s a spy, she’s a very good actor.’
‘Well, they are, aren’t they?’ Aragorn said crossly, ‘That’s the whole point! She could be here to get the ring! To seduce us and steal it away!’
The other three gaped at him.
‘Well,’ said Legolas, ‘If that’s her tactic, she’s not trying very hard, is she?’
‘But there’s something about her...’ Boromir admitted, ‘She is not very good looking, as far as I can see, and her manner is extremely odd. But all the same...’
‘You’re drawn to her,’ Aragorn said, ‘As am I. But I don’t know why and it worries me. Being randomly drawn to strange looking women in the middle of the woods is rarely a good idea.’
Legolas snickered. ‘I’m going to tell Arwen you said that.’
‘Shut up!’ Aragorn punched his arm. ‘This is serious.’
‘More serious than what Arwen’s going to do when she hears that?’
‘Yes!’
‘Oooh!’ Legolas covered his face in mock fear.
‘She’s just a girl,’ Gimli repeated, ‘She’s not a spy.’
‘Do you feel it, Gimli?’
‘What? Drawn to her?’ the dwarf considered, ‘Perhaps. But I don’t see what difference it makes.’
‘Legolas?’
‘What?’
‘Are you drawn to her?’
‘Ye-es,’ said the elf, ‘Although I don’t know why.’
‘We should get back,’ Aragorn said, ‘But keep an eye on her. Everyone.’
At first glance, everything looked fine. The hobbits were eating and smoking their pipes. Mary Sue was eating and smoking what looked like a roll of paper.
‘Dude, this stuff always gives me the munchies so bad,’ she remarked, ‘Is there another sausage?’
This, for some reason that Aragorn and the others could not understand, had the most remarkable effect on the hobbits. They started laughing helplessly. Mary Sue took the proffered sausage from the giggling Sam.
‘What is going on?’ Aragorn demanded.
Mary Sue looked at him for a moment, then started to giggle herself. All five of them, in fact, were completely hysterical.
‘I told you she was up to something!’ Aragorn glared at Mary Sue.
‘Me?’ she said, trying to keep a straight face, ‘Nope, not me.’
She took another suck at her roll of paper and blew smoke at Aragorn.
‘Nope,’ she repeated, ‘Not up to anything. Up to. Haha. I’m up, you might say. Up, geddit? Up?’
‘They seem drunk,’ said Boromir, looking from one to another in puzzlement.
‘Nope,’ Mary Sue shook her head, ‘Not drunk. Close, but no banana.’
‘What have you done to them?’ Aragorn grabbed her arm furiously. Mary Sue, without hesitation, kicked him in the shin. He let go and hopped for a moment, tears of pain in his eyes.
‘Don’t you be getting all touchy feely with me, mister,’ she ordered, ‘These boots are steelcapped.’
This made the hobbits laugh even harder.
‘Mary Sue,’ said Legolas urgently, ‘Please. Tell us what happened.’
‘Nothing, dude, we’re just having a smoke.’
Gimli spied the pouch sitting on top of her backpack. Mary Sue, in the slyness of intoxication, saw him spy it and seized it before he could.
‘Private property,’ she said, stuffing it into her backpack.
‘Is that some kind of mind altering tobacco?’
‘It’s not permanent,’ she said, hugging her pack to her defensively, ‘It’s just to relax a little bit. Everyone’s so tense.’
‘You have intoxicated the Ring Bearer!’ Aragorn thundered. For one brief moment, Mary Sue gaped at him, then she collapsed once more into helpless giggles.
