(Author's Note: Some of you may have been wondering what happened to the real Mary Sue, the one who fell off the beanstalk, who should have been in this story instead of Mary Sue. Some of you may not have been. But here she is anyway.)
Her name was Galinda Starfeather (her parents had been on drugs throughout... well, their whole lives) and she was nineteen, blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful. And throughout her life she had known that she was special. The only reason she had missed the beanstalk was because she was feeding the homeless and saving lost puppies. Galinda was that kind of girl. That is, Galinda was the kind of girl everyone secretly hates, because she seems completely perfect in every way and is annoyingly self-confident in her perfection. Galinda was the kind of girl who people would love to see fall off a beanstalk.
Oh, wait. They just did. Heh heh.
If Galinda had been a normal girl, she would have said, bugger, I missed the beanstalk. Such a pity. No alternate reality for me. No lions, witches nor wardrobes. No threats of imminent death. No weeks without a shower. No meals cooked over a fire. No uncomfortable shags in the woods. Damn. I must go back to my comfortable twenty first century life, eat my home-delivered Thai food, have a bath and watch the telly. Unfortunately, Galinda was not a normal girl.
While she wasn't sure what the point of the whole beanstalk-climbing thing was, she was fairly certain that it had a point. And that she was needed, somewhere, over the rainbow... wherever the beanstalk went.
'I'm going to get there,' she said out loud, shaking her fist at the sky, 'No matter what it takes! As God is my witness!'
And with that, she stalked off into the night.
The problem with Galinda (well, one of the problems with Galinda, apart from a tendency to think in cliches and to talk aloud to herself) was that she always had a higher purpose. 'No, world, I don't refuse to eat tuna because I don't like it (even though I don't) - it's because we have to Protect Mother Earth.'
The universe abhors people like Galinda. They piss it off. So it tends to play games with them. They get themselves murdered, for example, trying to do something noble. Or they get sucked into other worlds in which the likelihood of their dying in pain and fear is substantially greater. The universe had a plan for Galinda and it wasn't going to let it be screwed up now.
If you asked the universe, it would tell you that it was just letting Galinda follow her instincts and that her instincts were just the kind that got her into trouble. The universe is occasionally less than one hundred percent honest about its intentions.
'Shit,' said the universe when the beanstalk landed on its metaphorical office floor. (Author's Note: The universe doesn't have an office, as such. It has a metaphorical office. In fact, the universe itself is fairly metaphorical, at least in terms of the intentional universe. The physical universe doesn't intend much at all. This particular universe is the metaphorical universe that runs around intending shit. Is it really so much to ask that you just go with me on this?)
The beanstalk looked pained and slightly guilty.
'Sorry,' it said.
The universe sighed. 'You did your best,' it said, 'Can't be helped. Except that now I have to find another fucking way to get that bitch Galinda into Middle Earth.'
'I was right then!' the beanstalk was triumphant, 'You didn't want the chick with the pink hair!'
'Yes, yes, you were right,' the universe was slightly distracted, 'You were right, but that doesn't mean you didn't screw up. Because, remember, the pink haired chick is in Middle Earth right now. And Galinda isn't.'
'Who's Galinda?'
'The late blonde.'
The beanstalk was horrified. 'She's dead?'
'No,' the universe scowled, 'She was not on time. Late.'
'Oh.' The beanstalk thought for awhile. 'You could try sending me back.'
'Neh,' said the universe, 'She's moved on. She's gone home to try and figure out an alternate route.'
'Well,' said the beanstalk hopefully, 'Maybe she'll come up with one.'
'Bean,' said the universe, its metaphorical voice heavy, 'There isn't an alternate route. You were the route. She can't come up with one until I put one there. Don't be dense.'
'Sorry,' said the beanstalk.
'Don't be sorry, Bean. Just don't be dense.' The universe drummed its metaphorical fingers and thought.
'Aha!' it said and pointed a finger at the beanstalk, which looked down to find itself shrinking.
'Hey!' it protested.
'Don't stress,' said the universe, 'You're not vanishing, you're just changing.'
The beanstalk couldn't help stressing a little, though. It was shrinking quite dramatically, after all. It had been a big green beanstalk, large enough for humans to climb on, tall enough that no one could see the top, all its life. And now it was becoming little, and yellow, and round...
'It's a bit cliched, obviously,' said the universe, regarding the ring that now lay on the floor, 'But she strikes me as the type who goes for the cliché.'
The former beanstalk, now the ring, sat in the middle of the metaphorical floor and considered its situation.
'Can I still talk?' it asked.
The universe shrugged. 'I suppose so.'
'I don't want to not be able to talk.'
'You can talk. Calm down.'
'It's all very well for you,' said the ring, 'You're the universe.'
'Bean,' said the universe, 'Get a grip.'
The ring would have bitten its lip if it had had lips. There was no point in pissing off the boss.
'What now?' it asked.
'Now you get to hang out with the Mary Sue,' said the universe calmly.
'I thought that was the pink haired chick?'
'No, I mean the Mary Sue. Galinda.'
'She's called Mary Sue too?'
'No, you idiot, she's called Galinda. A Mary Sue is an invader into an existing textual universe. The fact that the other one is called Mary Sue is just a coincidence.'
'Some coincidence,' said the ring.
The universe rolled its metaphorical eyes and pointed at the ring again. The ring winced.
'Relax, I'm just sending you to her,' was the last thing it heard from the universe before it felt itself falling...
Like Mary Sue, it fell for a long time. Long enough that it had time to ponder the universe's obsessing with falling. That seemed a little sadistic to it. Mind you, it had to admit that the universe was a little bit scary sometimes. And it didn't understand what the universe had against Galinda. Perhaps she was a little overenthusiastic, and not very punctual, but at least she wasn't a foul-mouthed boozer like Mary Sue.
Finally, it hit the ground with a clink, and bounced. Being a ring, it reflected, wasn't quite as much fun as being a beanstalk. It lay there for a moment. No, not as much fun at all.
In fact, it was alone and unhappy about it. It was all very well for the universe to tell it not to stress - the universe wasn't stuck being a ring. The universe, the ring considered, had its priorities all out of whack. The fact was, the ring didn't understand what was going on. In its previous incarnation as a beanstalk, it had understood that its duty was to assist Galinda (aka the Mary Sue, as opposed to Mary Sue the girl - no wonder the ring was confused), not to work against her, which was what it seemed to be doing. It was worrying.
'What's this?' said a light sweet voice, 'A ring?'
'Yes,' snapped the ring, 'I'm a damn ring. What do you care?'
It was perhaps fortunate for the ring that its finder was, in fact, Galinda Starfeather or there would have been a heap of paperwork explaining why the ring had been turned into a tourist attraction.
Galinda didn't even look surprised when the ring spoke. She was that kind of girl. Lesser mortals would quake and have themselves committed to the nearest psychiatric facility until the voices went away. Not Galinda.
'I think you're looking for me,' she said, bending to pick it up.
'Why yes,' said the ring, 'Yes I am.'
As her fingers closed around it, there was a strange rushing noise and then the ring, and Galinda, found themselves falling. (Author's note: yes, yes, I know there's a lot of falling in this story. It's a theme, ok? Look, I've had about enough of your bickering? What? Oh. Right. Note to self: stop engaging in dialogue with internal voices. It ends badly.)
'So,' said Galinda, slipping the ring onto her finger, 'You talk?'
'Yes,' said the ring.
'Do you have a name?'
'Um,' said the ring, 'The universe calls me Bean, sometimes.'
'Bean,' Galinda repeated slowly, as though the word had some greater significance.
'Yeah.'
'Well, Bean, do you know where we're going?'
'You don't?'
'No,' Galinda shrugged, 'I'm needed, I know that.'
Bean, as we will now call the ring because it's less confusing, especially given that we're about to go You-Know-Where to see the Fellowship of the You-Know-What, was a nonplussed. This seemed to it to be putting too fine a point on the situation. It was about to say so when the pair of them landed with a thump on the forest floor. Galinda looked around.
'Hm,' she said, 'I wonder which way...' She held up the hand with Bean on it and waited.
'What are you doing?' Bean asked.
'Where am I supposed to go?'
'How do I know?'
'Aren't you my guide?'
Bean was confused. It was a ring, not a map or a compass.
'No,' it said, slowly, 'I'm more of a gateway. You have to find your own way.'
This didn't seem even to disconcert Galinda. She merely shrugged. 'Then I will have to trust the universe to guide me,' she said.
'Fine,' said Bean, 'I'm sure it will.'
On this point, it had no doubts whatsoever.
(Author's Note: Yes, yes, yes, I'm aware of the fact that Mary Sue wasn't even in this chapter. She'll be back soon, I promise. Worlds will collide, that kind of thing.)
