(Author's Note: Previously on Mary Sue and the Beanstalk, Galinda burst into tears...)
Mary Sue regarded her with some distaste. 'Oh, for fuck's sake...'
Galinda wept on, ignoring her. Mary Sue fumbled in her pocket, found a crumpled tissue and proffered it to Galinda. Galinda looked at it suspiciously through her tears.
'It's clean,' Mary Sue rolled her eyes, 'Just squashed.'
'What's going on?' Aragorn had stopped the party and stalked back to the pair of them. He looked, Galinda thought, composing her face but allowing the tears to continue rolling down her cheeks, very rugged and handsome. Mary Sue shrugged.
'Get up,' Aragorn said tersely to Galinda, 'We don't have time for this.'
Galinda was, yet again, horrified. No, being beautiful and tear-tracked wasn't supposed to result in brutality - even if the brute in question was someone like Aragorn. It was supposed to result in... Actually, she wasn't sure what it was supposed to result in. She was fairly sure it wasn't supposed to happen under situations like this. She wasn't supposed to be crouching on the floor of a forest under the sardonic eyes of a pink-haired (bitch, a tiny voice whispered to her, go on, you know you want to say it) girl with no manners and the unsympathetic eyes of a man who was obviously the hero. She glanced towards the rest of the group. They didn't look any more sympathetic than Aragorn. The elf, Legolas, was gazing moonily at Mary Sue. This irritated Galinda so acutely that she sniffed violently and got to her feet.
'I am fine,' she said with as much dignity as she could muster.
'Good,' Aragorn said and turned his back on her. The rest of the fellowship started to move off again, Mary Sue and Galinda and the rear.
Galinda looked at Mary Sue, who shrugged.
'Don't ask me,' she said, 'I don't know what any of us are doing here.'
'I suppose,' Galinda said coldly, 'That it's too much to expect that you know where we're going?'
Mary Sue smiled sarcastically. 'Yes. Yes, it is.'
'...shot him in the dark.'
Galinda nearly tripped over one of the hobbits and took a step back only to nearly trip over an elf who hadn't been there a moment before. And who was holding a bow and arrow and aiming them directly at her. She let out a scream.
'What's going on?' she hissed at Mary Sue, who shrugged and regarded the elves who now surrounded them dispassionately.
'God,' she said, 'I must be so fucking wasted.'
'You are not wasted!' Galinda shrieked, 'We're going to be killed!'
At that moment, the elves, apparently on word from their leader, lowered their bows. Legolas made his way to Mary Sue.
'These are some of the elves of Lothlorien. We are to stay with them tonight, but we must be blindfolded...'
'Hold it!' Bean shouted.
The elves looked around, confused.
'It's just my ring,' Galinda said wearily.
'You have a talking ring?' said one of the elves.
'I am not yours, missy,' Bean snapped, 'And we have a problem.'
'Oh, you mean aside from the fact that we're surrounded by elves with arrows?' Galinda hissed furiously. She was angry with Bean. It was, she thought, supposed to be on her side. But it was causing nothing but trouble.
'Yes, aside from that,' Bean said reasonably.
'What's going on?' Aragorn, followed by the elf-in-charge, made his way over to Mary Sue.
'Talk to the ring,' she said, holding her hand out.
'Is this book or movie canon?' Bean asked.
There was silence. Even Mary Sue looked confused.
'I understood every word in that sentence but not the sentence itself,' Boromir said.
'Are we in the BOOK or in the MOVIE?' Bean said, 'Because this is confusing. Book canon would suggest blindfoldling and treehouses. Movie canon skips that bit, but we've already had movie dialogue, so you'll have to excuse me if I'm a little bit confused!'
Another silence, even more heavy than the last.
'Blindfolds,' said the elf-in-charge, 'You must be blindfolded.'
'Kink-ay,' Mary Sue said, poking the elf in the ribs. The elf looked momentarily disconcerted, then gazed at Mary Sue as moonily as Legolas. Galinda rolled her eyes.
'Oh for heaven's sake!' she snapped.
'Hello?' Bean said, 'Is anyone listening to me?'
'No,' Galinda told it, 'No one, because we don't know what you're talking about.'
Bean sighed inaudibly. This was all too much, it reflected. It didn't know what it was doing there at all any more and, frankly, this confusion of canons was TOO DAMN MUCH. It watched (however it was that it watched, just trust me that it did) as everyone was blindfolded. And it watched as they were led some distance to the elves' treehouses. And it watched as Mary Sue and Galinda bickered, as the group was sent to their various trees, as they headed moodily to bed.
And it decided to file a very serious complaint the next time it was in the office.
It was late and even if anyone had been awake they probably wouldn't have heard the intruder as he moved swiftly and quietly through the darkness. He took a deep breath and began to climb the tree. His heart was pounding. Here it was, he thought, the thing he had desired ever since he had laid eyes upon it...
Mary Sue's eyes snapped open to see Legolas lying less than a foot away. She shrieked and sat bolt upright. He propped himself up on his elbow and gazed lovingly at her.
'Holy motherfucking shit!'
His expression faltered. 'My lady?'
'Mary Sue, you arse,' she snapped, 'And what the hell is up with the uninvited snuggling?'
'I'm sorry,' he said, 'I'm not sure what you just said.'
Mary Sue rolled her eyes. 'You. Here. Why?'
'Oh, I just...'
'Just fuck off. I'm trying to sleep.'
There was a faint rustle from behind her. She jerked her head around, wincing at the audible crack it made, and found herself gazing at Aragorn. He looked slightly embarrassed.
'What the fucking fuck?' she demanded.
'I was just... er... Boromir?'
'You aren't Boromir,' Mary Sue pointed out.
'No, I mean...' Aragorn gestured. Boromir was standing several feet away, looking almost as embarrassed as Aragorn. Mary Sue looked from him, to Legolas (who was still gazing moonily at her), to Aragorn, who was playing with the handle of his sword.
'I sincerely hope that you people are just all on drugs or something,' she said, getting to her feet, 'Because if you're not? You're sick.'
'My lady,' Boromir began.
'It's Mary fucking Sue,' Mary Sue bellowed, 'The next person who calls me lady is going to get the steel-capped boots in the nads.'
'I apologise,' Boromir looked confused, but continued, 'Mary Sue. I don't know why I am here.'
'Let me guess,' she said, 'Because you're a crazy stalking pervert?'
There was a pause.
'My... Mary Sue, I don't know what any of those words mean.'
'No shit.'
'Nor that one, in fact.'
'What, no?'
'No, shit.'
Mary Sue narrowed her eyes and glared at him. 'Are you making fun of me?'
'No! I would never...'
'Peace, Boromir,' Legolas stood beside Mary Sue, 'I think the l... Mary Sue wants to be alone.'
'Yes,' said Mary Sue, 'She does. So bugger off.'
Nobody moved. Then another voice piped up, 'Does that include me?'
They turned to see Frodo, who was hovering awkwardly at the edge of the scene. Aragorn rolled his eyes. Legolas looked slightly amused. Boromir just looked cranky.
Mary Sue gritted her teeth. 'It includes everyone,' she said, 'What the undulating hell are you people doing here anyway?'
'Well, I...'
'You see, I...'
'I don't really...'
'I was just...'
All four spoke at once, then stopped short.
'Never mind,' Mary Sue said, 'I don't want to know. Don't tell me any more.' She picked up her blanket and backpack and started to climb down.
'Wait!' Aragorn said, 'La... Mary Sue, you can't...'
'I'm just finding a nice private tree,' Mary Sue said crossly, 'Don't tell me what I can't do.'
She stomped off. Aragorn looked at the other three.
'There is something very strange going on here,' he said.
'Surely you jest,' said Boromir sarcastically.
'Well, what are you doing here?' Aragorn demanded.
Boromir shrugged. 'I was just... I don't know.'
'Ha! Legolas?'
The elf shook his head. 'Neither do I.'
'Frodo?'
'I was hoping to get lucky,' he said, with an odd little giggle.
'Have you been smoking that strange weed again?'
Frodo just kept giggling.
'We have been bewitched!' Aragorn exclaimed, 'It's the only possible explanation.'
'What?' Boromir shook his head, 'Don't be stupid. Don't you think someone would notice?'
'Strange,' Aragorn mused, shooting an irritated glance at Frodo, who was now shaking with laughter, 'That we should all come straight for the young woman with... earthly intentions.'
Legolas and Boromir looked at each other and cracked up.
'Earthly intentions?'
'Is that what you call it?'
'Shut up!' Aragorn looked sulky, 'I'm just saying... it's odd.'
'Very odd,' Boromir agreed, although he looked as though he was trying not to laugh.
'Oh, shut up!' Aragorn repeated and followed Mary Sue down the tree.
'He's right, though,' Legolas said, thoughtfully, 'This is very odd. It's all very odd. I was... compelled is not too strong a word. And she is neither beautiful nor charming. Odd.'
(Author's note: Yes, I am aware of the fact that the whole tree thing is probably entirely wrong. I don't have a copy of Fellowship of the Ring here and I'm too lazy and broke to go and buy one just so Mary Sue can live in a canonically consistent universe. I just thought the trees would be funny, ok?)
