Pumpkin: Look at this, Sunny. Isn’t this lovely?
Sunnybunny: Ooohh, another fic by Laughing Wolf! The brilliant author with such literary gems as “Arwen’s Tale” under her belt!
P: Yup. And this one? Is even better!
S: *skims* Well, if by better, you mean worse.
P: Of course that’s what I mean.
S: Right.
P: Anyway, I figured that since she liked our first review so much, we should do another one!
S: Pumpkin, she HATED our first review.
P: *loudly* Since she LOVED what we did the first time, I say, why not do it again?
S: But Pumpkin, she DIDN’T like it the first ti—Ohhh.
P: *rolls eyes*
I just had this idea and I haven’t done any planning or anything, but I’m gonna wing it. If its sucks it’ll disappear!
P: And yet…
S: … it’s still here.
^_~ I ask you this question, if the role of Gandalf was changed to a young girl named Arianna, what would happen?
P: Frogs would rain from the sky and Wheaties would taste like Fruity Pebbles?
S: My head would explode?
P: We’d make fun of you for coming up with an idea this stupid?
S: Oooh, I like the last one.
P: Besides, why does she want to be Viggo’s niece? I don’t want to be his niece.
S: Well, it would make your intentions morally dubious at best.
P: And illegal, at worst.
How’s this,
S: It sucks.
P: Shhh! At least LISTEN to her idea!
S: * sighs wearily * Fine.
Viggo Mortensen’s niece would get the part.
P: It sucks.
S: *smugly* I told you.
A little iffy?
P: Yeah, if by “a little iffy,” you mean, “I clearly came up with this idea on my last acid trip.”
S: Don’t give her THAT much credit. This story was clearly inspired by the Devil.
P: There you go, giving the Devil a bad name.
Here’s a list of the main actors who will be introduced to you in this chapter.
Lyric Thomson- Arianna the Gray
P: LYRIC Thomson?
S: What kind of name is Lyric?
P: My friend has a horse called Lyric. She’s kind of grey.
S: Cool, horse story.
Viggo Mortensen- Aragorn/Strider/Elessar
S: I don’t know if I can keep reading this, Pumpkin… I feel kinda nauseous…
P: You do look sort of green.
S: Sunnybunny no like bad medicine.
Chapter 1- Niece of a Star
S: Well at least she spelled “Niece” correctly this time.
P: Poor Mr. Spell Checker.
S: I think he and Mr. Grammar Checker are off in the corner chugging Scotch straight from the bottle.
P: Lucky bastards.
S: I still can’t believe you forgot the Bacardi.
P: I know, I know…
S: I mean, do you really expect me to do this sober?
P: I might have some Jim Beam somewhere.
S: *turns green again*
*Lyric’s Point of View*
P: Does she really need a point of view? I mean, she’s a horse.
S: I changed my mind.
P: About the JB?
S: Yeah. Can you get it? And do you have a funnel?
“Hurry Hon!” called my mom. “You have to be at the Opera House in ten minutes, and you know how much Polly hates it if you are late!”
P: They’re taking a horse to the Opera House?
S: I don’t think she’s a horse, Pumpkin.
P: What? Nooo!
S: I think she’s Viggo’s niece.
P: Viggo has a niece who’s a horse?
“Is Uncle Viggo coming?” I called back.
P: *snickers* Not anywhere near you, you underage innocent.
S: *hits Pumpkin* Ew!
My mom was quiet for a minute. “No, he can’t make it,” she finally answered. “You know how busy he is. He has to leave for New Zealand in five weeks!”
P: (as Lyric’s mom) Actually, the real reason he can’t make it is that he hates you.
S: (as Lyric’s mom) In fact, so do I.
P: (as Lyric) *bursts into tears*
Both: (as themselves) HA!
I sighed, deeply disappointed. My favorite relative was my mom’s older brother, Viggo Mortensen. Yes, that Viggo Mortensen.
P: Which Viggo Mortensen?
S: There are so many actors by that name… I get confused.
The actor who has starred in many movies, such as A Walk on the Moon.
Both: Oohhhh, THAT Viggo Mortensen.
P: As opposed to Viggo Mortensen the butcher, Viggo Mortensen the baker and Viggo Mortensen the candlestick-maker.
He had always been there for me, even though he lived in New York and I lived in Seattle. But now, things were different.
P: Things changed after Vig’s lawyers sent those papers to her telling her to Cease and Desist.
S: I find that does tend to strain relationships.
P: Especially relationships that were strained to begin with.
S: “Strained” in the sense of “non-existent.”
Two weeks ago, Uncle Viggo had gotten a phone call from the director, Peter Jackson. They wanted him to play Aragorn in the upcoming film ‘Lord of the Rings.’
P: So now your imaginary uncle can’t be there for you any more? Aw.
I was so happy for him.
P: (As Lyric) Yayyyy, Unkie Viggo gets to be Aragorn! Will you sign my copy of LOTR, Unkie Viggo?
S: (As Viggo) Get the hell away from me, fuckstick.
Until he told me that for eighteen months at the least, he would be out of contact from his family.
P: They don’t have phones or the internet in New Zealand, did you know that? No electricity. It’s very primitive.
S: I think you’re making that up.
P: They use the Pony Express to deliver their mail.
S: Okay, okay, I get it.
This had never happened before. Usually it was for about five or six months, not a year and half. Even as I thought about losing the only person I could really trust for eighteen months, I felt hot salty tears form in my sea green eyes.
P: Sea green eyes?
S: Oh my god… is it possible…
P: Could it be?…
Both: A MARY SUE?
P: *keels over in shock*
S: Okay, nurse, we’re going to need a funnel of whiskey here, stat!
P: *drinks out of funnel*
S: Better?
P: Much. This story is slightly creepy.
S: Slightly?
P: The only person this fourteen year old can trust is her uncle in New York? Hmmm?
S: You think she wants to shag him?
P: Duh.
S: *clutches stomach* Uuuhhhhhh.
Not only was my uncle my confidant,
S: Poor guy.
P: (as Lyric) So today in school, Unkie Viggo, the mean boy who sits behind me tripped me in homeroom!
S: (as Viggo) *wearily* Uh-huh.
P: (as Lyric) And then this other girl, she got to be hall monitor instead of me and I was SO UPSET!
S: (as Viggo) *snore*
he was also my inspiration. I, too, had taken up acting.
S: Oh, she’s *that* Lyric Thomson. Lyric Thomson the Actor.
P: You know, this would be a better story if she was Lyric Thomson the Horse.
I only did local theatre though.
P: Wow. That’s surprising.
S: I find it hard to believe that she isn’t being offered major roles in Hollywood blockbusters.
P: She won’t be acting in local theatre for long, I bet.
S: Why is that? Don’t tell me you really think Hollywood’s got their eye on her.
P: NO! But she’s a Mary Sue, a real person Mary Sue. She should be taken outside and sh…
S: We’re not supposed to be threatening people.
P: *sulks* Only Lyric! Please, just give me five minutes alone with her!
In fact, if I didn’t hurry up, I was going to be late for the closing night of the show, ‘Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz.’ I had been very fortunate to gain the lead role of Dorothy, but I felt no joy.
S: We’re off to see the very sad wizard.
P: My heart aches for her. No joy.
S: * makes sad face *
P: * bursts into tears *
I knew very well that half the time I got lead roles, it was actually my uncle getting the role, and I was just filling in for him.
Both: BWAHAHAHA! *rolling around on the floor laughing*
S: What?
P: The fuck?
S: VIGGO gets the roles?
P: I think Viggo would be a deeelightful Dorothy.
S: I would pay good money to see that.
P: *sings* Soooomewheeeeere over the rainbow…
S: He would look so cute in pigtails.
P: Can’t imagine why he doesn’t wear them more often.
S: I don’t get this, though. Lyric FILLS IN for him?
P: I think she’s trying to say that she only gets roles because her uncle is famous, maybe?
S: You know, I’m sure you’re right.
P: Yeah.
S: But I think I need the funnel anyway.
P: *wordlessly hands funnel to Sunnybunny*
* * * “Hey, Lyric!” cried my friend Mory. I turned. That’s me, Lyric Thomson.
P: Well, thank goodness you cleared that up!
S: *pouts*
P: What?
S: I was really hoping for a horse story.
P: There, there.
“What?” I asked, twirling one of my long brown braids. Normally my hair was loose or up in a ponytail, but Dorothy wore braids.
P: She’ll be sucking a lollipop next.
S: She thinks she’s Lolita.
P: Fourteen year olds in braids are hot.
S: Except, not.
“I thought you said your uncle couldn’t make it,” he said.
“He couldn’t,” I sighed. “I don’t know who is more disappointed, me or Polly!” Polly was the director.
P: Oh, poor Polly. Saddled with a horse…
S: *snerk* In pigtails.
P: …playing Dorothy. And now Viggo Mortensen the Actor can’t make it.
S: (as Polly) Oh, woe is me! For I had counted upon Viggo Mortensen the Actor to replace the horse as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz!
“Oh, then he must have mailed these,” Mory realized. He handed me a bouquet of white roses.
S: He MAILED them?
P: That would explain why they’re so squashed.
S: I wonder what size envelope he used?
I checked the tag. ‘To my dearest niece,’ it read. ‘I deeply regret not being able to attend your performance, but Tolkien calls. Uncle Viggo!’
P: Do you think he always signs his name like that? “Uncle Viggo!”
S: “Who is the man? Uncle Viggo!”
P: I’m signing my name that way from now on. Pumpkin, exclamation mark.
S: Pumpkin!
P: Exactly.
S: No, I mean, Pumpkin, you’re spilling the Jim Beam!
P: *looks down* Oops, sorry.
I felt fury bubble up inside of me.
S: That sounds kinda painful.
P: And disgusting.
S: Well, yeah.
“I don’t believe it!” I cried. “He ditched the play to read those stupid books!”
S: Omigod! How DARE he miss watching me play Dorothy in Hicktown in favor of acting in one of the greatest film trilogies of all time?!
P: Dude, I would miss watching a horse in the Wizard of Oz for Tolkien any day.
S: Actually, I would pay to see the horse.
“But, you love Lord of the Rings,” Mory reminded me.
P: Why do they all say that? ‘I loooove LOTR.’
S: They don’t love it. You don’t wipe your ass on something you love.
“Not anymore!” I cried, feeling the same hot tears threaten to brim out of my eyes.
S: Where are these the same hot tears from?
P: They’re the same ones she cried when she found out he was going away.
S: Oh. So she recycles?
“That’s all he talks about! Lord of the Rings this, Lord of the Rings that!”
S: Oh, the bastard! How dare he prepare!
P: I told you she wanted to do him.
S: Yeah. You know, I kinda feel sorry for her.
P: No, you don’t.
S: You’re right.
“You know it’s not his fault,” Mory reprimanded gently. “I’m sure he’d love to be here!” Mp>
S: I’m sure he’d rather be sitting in a bathtub full of battery acid listening to Barry Manilow being piped in through the speakers and having all of his fingernails slowly pulled out one by one than see your play, actually.
P: Funny, I was thinking the same thing, but in my mind it was the Barney theme song.
S: *screams in horror*
I smiled at Mory.
P: This chick’s bipolar. She’s crying, she’s smiling…
At least I could rely on him to bring me back to my senses.
S: Mory must be a real miracle-worker.
Then I realized his eyes were twinkling the way they did when he was concealing laughter,
“What are you laughing at?” I demanded.
S: YOU, you daft wench!
P: Sunnybunny, calm down.
S: *shaking* Cannot! Calm down! Must! Kill! Lyric!
P: *pours Jim Beam directly down Sunnybunny’s throat*
S: *glugglug* Ahhhh.
P: *eyes Sunnybunny critically* You aren’t getting drunk, are you Sunnybunny?
S: I better be.
“Yes,” said a deep male voice, in agreement. “I see nothing funny about a horrid uncle who ‘ditches’ his niece’s show for some, ‘stupid books’ did you call them Lyric?”
P: Horrid? Who says horrid, apart from preteen girls who think it’s cute?
S: He’s right, though. It’s not funny.
P: Was it supposed to be?
S: I think so, sadly.
P: Poor Viggo. He’s not himself.
S: Not when he’s being written as a horse’s uncle.
P: Is that like a monkey’s uncle?
S: In this case, it’s not too far off.
I turned, laughing. My uncle stood before me. He was wearing his brown hair long for the show and his gray eyes twinkled. He was a tall man, his head brushing the low ceiling.
S: What, no pigtails?
P: Isn’t he really a blonde?
S: And hasn’t he got blue eyes?
P: And what kind of ceiling is only six feet high?
“Uncle Viggo!” I cried, running towards him.
S: I feel sick again. Do I look green?
P: Sunny! You’re turning Sunny, Sunny!
S: *stares* What?
P: Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I loved Roald Dahl.
S: Focus, please?
Laughing, he took me up in his arms and spun me around. This should have been difficult, for him to spin around a girl of seventeen, but it was not.
P: SHE WANTS TO SHAG HIM.
S: She’s seventeen?
P: *as Viggo* I think I’ve sprained my back.
He spun me as easily as if I was only five years old.
P: This is getting creepier and creepier. Now she’s FIVE?
Finally, he placed me gently on the ground.
Both: *snicker*
P: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
S: (as Lyric) Finally, he dropped me on my head.
P: (as Lyric’s head) Thunk!
S: (as Lyric) Owwww!
Both: (as themselves) MUAHAHA!
“Did you really think I would miss your show?” he asked.
“Well, the movie is really important!” I reasoned. “I would have understood!”
P: Tell that to Mory!
S: He was about to break out the straightjacket thirty seconds ago!
P: I’m telling you… bipolar…
“Oh, really?” he inquired. “That’s not what you thought a few minutes ago!”
S: Ha!
P: Tell her, Viggo!
I blushed. Uncle Viggo was the same as ever. Even such an important role in such an important movie couldn’t turn his head.
S: Turn his head from WHAT?
P: She wants to do him. Seriously. This is twisted.
“When does the show start?” he asked.
“Um, eight,” I answered.
“Well, we have only fifteen minutes to catch up!” he laughed.
S: Call me crazy, but at 15 minutes to curtain? Shouldn’t she be actually getting ready to go on?
P: Stop trying to make sense of this.
S: * meekly * Okay.
“Are you excited?”
S: (as Lyric) Yeah, tonight’s my big break!
P: (as Lyric) * falls over and breaks leg *
S: * laughs maniacally *
“Yeah,” I admitted. “It’s a full house!
S: I just read that ‘full horse’.
P: Bwah!
S: She shouldn’t eat right before she performs.
I love the stage, acting in front of all those people!”
P: The stage is brave and talented.
S: Pumpkin, do you have those rotten tomatoes handy?
P: *holds up crate* Right here. You do realize that this is fiction, right?
S: *looks at Pumpkin*
P: So we can’t, y’know, really throw them at her.
S: *looks at Pumpkin*
P: Sunny? Say something. You’re making me nervous.
S: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.
P: What, about this being fiction?
S: *picks up tomato and looks at Pumpkin threateningly*
P: Erm, right.
Uncle Viggo paused a moment. “Lyric, have you ever considered acting as a career?”
P: *groans* Oh, God, here we go.
S: VIGGO! DON’T ENCOURAGE HER!
P: Then again, If it stops her writing…
“You don’t get enough money to live on in one of these plays, Uncle,” I informed him.
S: In fact, from my own days in local theatre, you don’t get any.
P: Yes. She did say this was an amateur production.
S: Right. Which means you DON’T GET PAID.
P: Well, I suppose technically she’s right. You *don’t* get enough money to live on.
S: Actually, that’s ideal. She would make no money and thus die.
P: Well, I bet they’d pay her not to throw temper tantrums.
S: Money well spent.
“Though, it is a shame!”
P: She’s discouraged!
S: She’s realized there’s no money in acting!
P: She’s not going to pursue it as a career!
Both: Yayyyy!
“No, I mean as a professional actor, like me?” he corrected.
“Well, sure,” I admitted.
P: Damn.
S: *sobs*
“But, it’s just daydreaming!”
“Maybe,” Viggo agreed. “But maybe not! I have-"
P: Viggo, don’t encourage the horse!
S: There are lots of horses in LOTR. She’ll blend right in.
“No!” I interrupted. “If I do this, I’m going to do it on my own! Not as Viggo Mortensen’s niece!”
Both: BWAH!
S: Yes, I’m sure she’s quite capable of giving her own blow jobs, thank you very much.
P: Heh heh heh.
“You never once tried to use my connections, did you?” he smiled.
P: (as Lyric) I am perfectly capable of convincing unattractive middle aged men that I want to blow them without connections.
S: (as Lyric) I am an independent young woman and I don’t need your help!
P: (as Lyric) Although if you should happen to offer me a big part in the next couple of paragraphs, I will no doubt accept it.
“No,” I agreed, whole heartily.
S: Whole HEARTEDLY. Got that?
P: You don’t like her much, do you?
S: *glares at Pumpkin*
“I do things on my own.
P: (as Lyric) I tie my shoes on my own, I go to the potty on my own…
S: (as Lyric) I can even make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich all by myself!
P: (as Lyric) But mommy had to take the butter knife away from me.
S: (as Lyric) She kept saying I was going to poke my eye out.
P: (as Lyric) She’s so mean.
I don’t ask for anyone’s help!”
“All right,” grinned Viggo. “Oh, you’d better go! It’s almost eight. I need to get my seat! Break a leg, little one!”
Both: PLEASE!
S: Break two legs!
P: And at least one or two arms!
This was his secret name for me.
P: *looks at Sunnybunny*
S: *looks at Pumpkin*
P: That is the worst secret name I have ever heard.
S: And besides, it’s not really secret if he uses it in public.
P: (as Mory) *wheels turning* Wait… Viggo used the name “little one…” In a conversation with Lyric… that must be his SECRET NAME for her!
S: (as Lyric) *sobs* How did you find out?? It was supposed to be a secret!
“I will!” I assured him. “I hope you like it!”
“I will,” he promised. He turned to go.
“Uncle!” I called after him.
P: Who, after the nineteenth century, addresses their male relatives as ‘Uncle’ without a name?
S: That must be her secret name for him.
He turned, a puzzled look on his face. “What is it?”
“I’m going to miss you when you go to New Zealand!” I cried,
P: She’s crying again. *shouts* LYRIC! GET MEDICATED!
a single tear trickling down my face.
Both: FORLORN FRODO TEAR!
He smiled gently, and wiped the tear away.
S: You know, I think you’re right. She wants to shag him.
P: Duh.
S: He’s wiping her tears away.
P: She wants him to want to shag her too.
S: This is sick.
P: This is Flowers in the Fucking Attic.
“Maybe you won’t have to!”
S: OUCH!
P: What?
S: *rubs forehead* Something just hit me.
P: Oh, it was just the foreshadowing.
S: *sniff* That hurt.
P: Well, it wasn’t very subtle.
With that and a friendly wave, he left the backstage area.
S: Is it just me, or does “the backstage area” sound, I dunno, kinda perverted?
P: It’s just you.
S: Right then.
I quickly ran up to the stage, ready to show my uncle I could act without his help.
S: Why would she need his help to act?
P: Besides, I thought she could do everything on her own!
S: Like tie her shoes!
P: And go to the potty!
S: And… um… give blowjobs!
P: *raises eyebrow* Um, yeah.
S: * sulkily * You’re the one who made that joke.
But, all evening I tried to puzzle out his comment.
P: Is that smoke coming out of her ears?
S: Dude. The wheel’s turning, but the hamster’s dead.
* * *
Viggo’s Point of View
P: Hmm. This might be better.
S: Why?
P: Well, we don’t have to listen to the thoughts from Lyric’s peanut-sized brain anymore.
S: Pumpkin? It’s still her brain. She’s just pretending to be Viggo now.
P: *bangs head against wall repeatedly*
S: Oh God, why?
P: I have to kill Lyric now. I have to protect him.
S: *covers her face* I can’t look.
P: You have to. Take my hand. It’s not much further now.
I jogged quickly to my seat and slid in between my sister, Lori, and the person I had invited to the show. “Are you sure she can handle this?” Lori asked me, worried.
I patted her hand. “I’ve never been so sure of anything else in my life!” I assured her. This was the absolute truth.
S: Viggo! If only it were really you and not some pod person! We know it’s a lie, we really do!
P: Please, Viggo, say it ain’t so!
S: *whimpers*
“Are you sure there is someone here who could play a role as in depth as Arianna’s?” inquired my friend.
S: Who?
P: Gandalf.
S: Huh?
P: They’re changing Gandalf into a girl named Arianna, remember?
S: Oh. Hey, where’s that wall again?
P: *points*
S: *walks over to wall and bangs head against it, repeatedly*
“Yes,” I answered him.
“You know we are taking a risk changing Gandalf from an old man to a young girl named Arianna, don’t you?” he asked.
S: (as PJ) Yeah, and while we’re at it, let’s turn Arwen into a teenage boy, Legolas into a talking life-size model of Gumby, and Gimli into a hamster.
“Yes,” I sighed. “I also know whoever it is will be confronted by indignant fans and hoards of the press!
The press: This just in. Today, upon the release of Fellowship of the Ring, indignant fans captured Lyric Thomson, the actress in the role of Arianna, and ripped her to shreds.
Indignant fans: *ripping Lyric to shreds*
P: Do you think we count as indignant fans?
S: I think we’re outraged fans.
P: Psychotic fans, even.
I think this girl can handle it! Just watch the show!”
However his mind was not to be eased so easily. “What part is she playing?” inquired my friend, flipping through his program.
“Dorothy,” I answered. “The lead role!”
P: Dorothy’s the lead role in the Wizard of Oz? You’re kidding.
S: I always thought it was Third Munchkin From the Left.
The lights dimmed. “Well, we’ll see, won’t we!” laughed my friend.
“Yes,” I answered. “You’re going to love her as much as I do!
Both: HA!
S: She wants to shag him!
P: Was I right, or was I right?
Its impossible not to!”
S: Oh, no it’s not.
P: Trust us. We speak the truth.
Both: WE HATE HER!
“Well, I didn’t cast you as Aragorn for nothing,” sighed my friend. “I trust your judgement!”
S: It’s not really usual for actors apart from, say, the $20 mill crowd to get casting approval, is it?
P: *shakes her head* This chick needs medication.
“Trust me Peter,” I smiled, watching as Lyric’s mouth opened and her golden voice began to sing ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow.’
S: *screaming* NOOOOOOOO!
P: She’s singing!
S: *covers ears* I’m not listening, I’m not listening!
P: *bangs head against wall*
I noticed Peter lean forwards and stare at her.
“Is that her?” he asked, eagerly.
S: Ew!
P: NO! NONONONONO!
S: She’s making PJ sound like a big perv!
S: Well, EVERYONE wants Lyric. Even happily married men. Even her uncle.
P: That? Is disgusting.
S: *nodnodnod*
“Peter, allow me to introduce you to your Arianna!”
S: *sigh* He CAN’T be introducing PJ to Arianna. She’s on stage.
P: *weeps openly* Waaahhh.
S: There, there. It’ll be over soon.
So, what do you think?
S: I laughed, I cried, I banged my head against the wall.
P: I think you should NEVER WRITE AGAIN. EVER.
Is it worth continuing?
Both: NO!
I’m starting to get some really good ideas!
S: Oh, God, more good ideas? Like the whole “Let’s change Gandalf into a teenage girl” idea?
P: I don’t know if I can handle any more of her “good ideas.”
Keep reading and reviewing!!
S: Pumpkin?
P: Yes, Sunnybunny?
S: This counts as a review, doesn’t it?
P: Here we go again.
