Thinking of becoming a blogger, which means creating a personal web log. This may be useful if it turns out that when I'm back in Cardiff I don't have the tools to update this site (I'm using me dad's computer at the moment, and running up his phone bill, of course...Cheers dad!). Xanga is supposed to be the best blogging site, according to Web User magazine, which is a fortnightly magazine and an invaluable guide to the mind-bending depth and complexity of the internet (only 99p from local newsagents!). It's also online at http://www.web-user.co.uk/.

Thanks to Lycos Tripod and the aforementioned publication, I am starting to get the hang of this interweb contraption (I sound like I'm being paid to promote the buggers). I'm happy to say I've even started to master HTML, Meta tags, Microsoft Front Page, and also, as you may have noticed, hypertext links, all of which are quite essential for making a usable and accessible site. Such internet shenanigans has enlivened my desire to become more web literate, so much so that when I go back to work after Christmas, I'll undertake some website design courses to increase my limited knowledge and boost my job skills.

BACK OF THE NET!

12:50 I've  stupidly created a profile on the Face Party website...

Just had a glass of wine too and feeling merry...so here's some classic Tommy Cooper-isms, the most of which were provided by my good friend Lewis Jaquest:

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, and proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ". "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin........

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then" 

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?", and a voice said "You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?' He said "It depends where you're calling from."

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted". And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again". And I swerved again. He rang a third time and said "You're managing director". And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road". 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time" The man replied "I know I've been ill" 

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

28th December 2003 - 00.14

And here's some Billy Connolly Classics again provided by Lewis:

Things I hate about everybody....
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the  **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F *****  right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the  **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f****** floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the  **** ?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f* ****** does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here,  **** head?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank
looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf******** McTosser.
14. When you're involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off. "

00:19

And here's a few facts about Michael Howard, the new Tory leader:

Howard attacked Labour for defending the rights of trade unionists at GCHQ (in 1979 and 1981)

Howard was the Minister in Charge of bringing in the Poll Tax in 1988. Even after Thatcher had gone, and after the poll tax riots, he insisted he still believed in the policy (July 1991)

As Employment Secretary, Howard said that Labour's National Minimum Wage proposals would cost 2 million jobs (June 1991) (The LibDems were against the Minimum wage too, and any increases-Marc)

As Employment Secretary, Howard tried to stop attempts at EU level to introduce a 48 hour working week and to give working women statutory maternity rights (June 1991)

As Employment Secretary, Howard tried to bring in stricter anti-trade unions laws including proposals to require written consent form workers every 12 months and every time subscriptions went up before union members subs would be paid by check-off. Even the Tory trade unionists group warned him these plans shifted the balance of power too far towards employers. (Oct 1991)

As Environment Secretary, led the campaign to pull the rug out from under the coal industry by blocking long term subsidy schemes which would have kept all 31 pits threatened with closure open (Jan 1993)

And remember Michael Howard sat through 14 years of Tory Government (from his election in 1983) loyally voting to privatise the railways, water, electricity and gas, sell off School Playing Fields, cut benefits, install the internal market into the NHS, run down public services and destroy local democracy not to mention presiding over the worst recession for decades, the spectacular failures over economic policy starting with Sterling's ejection from the ERM and the spectre of negative equity. From 1985 he was a senior Minister through the whole of Thatcher and Major's administrations. Unlike Iain Duncan Smith and William Hague, he is the voice and the face of the Conservative Government rejected so emphatically in 1997.

And in opposition he voted against the National Minimum Wage, the New Deal, against devolution to Scotland and Wales, against paid holidays for all workers and full time rights for all workers.

00:19