FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Usually these sections of websites are fabricated to what the author percieves questions that people want to ask. I have purposely read through many emails to enable this section to be a true honest faq!

Q: Can you say Macadamia?

A: Yes, it is harder to spell.

Q: Do you eat popcorn, nuts etc? What kind of sweets do you like?

A: I do eat popcorn rarely, nuts quite a lot. My favourite sweets are Wham bars ever since I discovered them at the tender age of 9 and me and my best friend at the time (Ross) made up a song about Wham bars. “Wham bars, wham bars, spend your money on wham bars, the juicy fruity flavours from the forest” I forget the rest, perhaps that was it.

Q: Do you have a washing machine at the place you are staying?

A: No, but there is a very good laudry around the corner and it only costs $1.

Q: What’s up bird boy?

A: The sky, the stars, the moon and perhaps Swindon Town this year. Why do you call me bird boy?

Q: Where’s my bloody postcard?

A: Kristy, your postcard does not exist and will not exist whilst I stay in Canada, I sent various people postcards during my stay, many of these are life long friends who I have not seen for years. I would love to send everyone a postcard but this will not happen because there are too many people and I do not have many postal addresses and tto send to everyone would take a long time. I would like to make an exception and send you a postcard as your language (bloody) indicates you feel unhappy that I have not sent you a postcard, but I have no stamps left and in order to send you a postacard I would have to buy a book 6 * $1.40 and $0.50 for the postcard = $8.90. In my present financial situation this will buy me three days worth of food.

Q: How the fuck was Cuba?

A: It was fucking great, you can read all about it on the Cuba section.

Q: Don`t fit in your pants anymore? Xanax – to treat social anxiety, viagra – for erectile dysfuntion, valium – relieve nervousness and tension, ambien – for a great night’s sleep.

A: My pants are actually a bit loose, but I solve this by wearing a belt. I have no need for the products you offer at the moment, but with 80% off, I will certainly consider you if I ever need xanax, viagra, valium or ambien. How did you get my email address?

Q: Where would I find a Tesco’s? Are there any in Scotland?

A: Sara, You can find a Tesco’s next to the south exit for Abingdon on the A34. I went to Scotland once, and I don’t remember seeing a Tesco’s but I was not looking for them. Consult the Tesco’s website, or look in your Yellow Pages.

Q: Did you know that the normal cost for Super Vkiagra is $20, per dose?

A: Actually no.

I have also decided to answer some general life questions that I am asked or have been asked during my travels:

Q: Matt, can you name 3 things that are black?

A: Yes: The night sky, deep holes and often my cooking.

Q: What is your favourite cheese?

A: Cheese is an expensive extravagance, and although I love cheese and often indulge in a slab of fromage from time to time, I have not been in a position to sample enough fine cheeses to give an fair answer – This said, I do like Camenbert melted in a french loaf.

Q: Matt, do you have sugar in your tea?

A: I’ll take a strong milky tea with one sugar please.

Q: You should learn French (not really a question)

A: I know, I will learn tommorow.

Q: Matt, why don’t you know French?

A: I did French at school for five years, my teacher identified me as a ‘disruptive pupil’, she was for once right, and I usually found myself learning French solitary in the corridor. It is accurate to say that she was my 2^nd least favourite teacher at school and it did not do much to help my motivation to learn French solitary. The scars are still deep and for this reason I have not spoken any French between the ages of 16 and 22. I am now 23.

Q: Who was your 1^st least favourite teacher at school?

A: Easy, Mrs Maybe (English), I recently found out that she is actually a witch.

Q: Ca va?

A: Ca va bien merci, et toi?

Q: Have you just farted?

A: Either (no, who’s the smelly git) or (Yea, is the scent mature)?

Q: Have you petted any otters recently?

A: No, petting otters is a fabricated activity I claim to do for humour purposes. I did however wear a sea otter fur on my recent trip to Alaska, there is photographic evidence in the Alaska & Yukon section.

Q: What is your favourite music?

A: The Wannadies, The Cardigans, President’s of the USA, Stevie Wonder, Frank Sinatra, Jamiroquai, Royksopp, Jack Johnson, Reel Big Fish and more.