Why do marriages and families break? Because one or more parties to them are unfaithful to the covenant in some form, because they break their promises so persistently and so unrepentantly that reconciliation becomes impossible and so the bond is broken. The trust between parties is lost. Sadly there are families which are torn apart by such tragedy and sin. In these cases there is but little option but for divorce to take place. Nowhere in the Bible is divorce encouraged, in many cases it is prohibited as covenants are designed to be kept not broken, but where such a total breakdown in the covenant and trust occurs to the extent that reconciliation is not possible, divorce is acknowledged as a lesser of two evils. It is a concession to human fallibility and failure as expressed both in the OT and in the NT with Jesus and the apostle Paul acknowledged divorce in certain circumstances.
Yet many divorces and separations today don't meet this scale of breakdown. All too easily people give up on partner and family and move on to something momentarily more appealing. All too often people are unwilling to make sacrifices in a way that works out their promised commitment to their partner.
I was deeply saddened to learn recently that two friends of mine had separated and one party was seeking a divorce. The wife had left her husband because she felt that she had changed and now she felt that she would marry a different type of man if she were to make that decision today. So she left. He had not broken his marriage vows to her, he still loved her and wanted her to be his wife. She had until that point not broken her covenant with him. She simply wanted a different model now.
It is an example of the self-centred consumerist way that we make life choices today. It is unbiblical and ultimately it destroys the fabric and the stability of society. Thankfully in this case no children are involved but in very many cases they are, and they are innocent causalities.
What can we do? There is a pressing need for a ministry of reconciliation. Blessed are the peace makers Jesus said and here is a practical place where we can work that. We must seek to help and guide people towards overcoming their differences and encourage them to choose to work at their commitment to their partner. This, in part, is why marriage preparation classes are so important, I will not marry anyone unless I have seen them at least 4 times and they have worked through a marriage preparation course.
But where marriages do break down, how are we to deal with people involved? We are not to shun them! We are not to treat them like social lepers, we are to care for them pastorally. That does not mean that we gloss over what has happened and in some cases it may mean that this person needs to be brought to a place of repentance. Certainly where a person is seeking to remarry and that is appropriate, we may need to provide a place for repentance and forgiveness to be manifest before that marriage. We would need to ensure that that person, like any other, is fully committed to now keeping their vow of lifelong commitment to their new marriage partner and where appropriate the children of the family.
And for people cohabiting, we don't shun them either, but we invite them to be married, I the words of the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr George Carey: Cohabitation is not marriage in all but name. Marriage is public and formal, whereas cohabiting remains private and provisional in status. Marriage, not cohabitation is the institution which is at the heart of the good society, and let us not be reluctant to say so. I do not say this in condemnation, I say it an invitation to a better way...
And how do we promote most effectively commitment and permanent relationships between husband and wife and their families, we live them, we model them ourselves and to do so we may well need to invest more time in maintaining our covenant commitments to them and to God whose help will always bring meaning to our human covenants.
