Jokes
* MOST JOKES WERE TAKEN FROM RD
A man's bloody head was recently found in a nearby area; search for the body is ongoing. His ears
and nose were cut off, his tongue sticking out, and his head, obviously pounded flat, had no more
hair. Don't look at this if you don't like seeing pictures of this kind.
Both of these images are almost alike, but with one big difference: the other one involves
nudity. Take a look at how one can distinguish pictures that include nudity and those that
do not.
 Name that Animal
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
Man with No Ears
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
Engineering In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Balloonist Hide and Seek
Lost balloonist: "Ahoy below! Where am I?"
Startled farmer: "You can't fool me. You're up there in that basket!"
Wanted: Industrial Spy
Applying for a job as an industrial spy, six applicants were each given a sealed envelopen and told to take them to the fourth floor.
As soon as he was alone, one man opened his envelope. Inside was a message that read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor immediately."
Party Liquor
The hostess at a party served a guest a cup of punch, warning him it was liberallylaced with liquor. Next, she offered some to a religious man, who said, "I would rather commit adultery than drink liquor!
Hearing this, the first main pured his punch back into the bowl and said, "Sorry, I didn't know we had a choice."
Shipwreck LT
The young couple on an island where a castaway explained that the only way to attract passing ships was to signal from a high coconut tree on the beach. He climbed the tree and yelled to the couple below, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband asked after the castaway came down. "We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the castaway. "From up there it looked like you were." But each morning after that, the castaway scaled the tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb up to see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top and seated himself there.
Meawhile, his wife and the castaway were embracing passionately. "That's amazing!" the husband mused as he looded down. "It does look like they're making love!"
The Difference Between Anger and Exasperation
One day, Paul was asked by his son: "Dad what's the difference between anger and exasperation?"
Paul gladly answered, "Sure son. First, I'll show you what anger is." So Paul went on to dial a random number on the phone. When someone on the other end answered, Paul asked, "Hello, is Paul there?".
"I'm sorry but no one by that name lives here." was the reply.
So Paul hung up. After that, he dialled the same number and asked again: "Hello, is Paul already there?"
"I told you there's no Paul here. Maybe you dialled the wrong number." remarked the slightly irritated receiver.
Paul hung up once again, and still dialled the same number. One more, time he inquired: "Hello, can I talk with Paul?."
"PAUL DOESN'T EXIST, YOU IDIOT!!!" was the answer, followed by a crashing sound.
"You see, son, that's what you call anger." explained Paul. "Now this is exasperation: ..."
For one last time, Paul dialled the same number, and when the receiver answered the phone, Paul asked: "Hello, this is Paul, did someone call me?"
Two Fools and the Railroad Track
Two fools were walking down the railway tracks. After a a few kilometers, the first one says, "These steps are killing me." The other one replies, "It's not the steps, stupid, it's these low hand rails."
Court Trial
"Young man, where do you work?" the judge asked the defendant.
"Here and there", replied the man.
"What do you do for a living?"
"This and that."
"Take him away!", said the judge.
"Wait a minute!" the defendant cried out. "When will I be released?"
The judge replied, "Sooner or later."
Jesus and God vs. a Burglar
Late one night a burglar broke into a house. He froze when he heard a loud voice say, "God is watching!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward.
"God is watching!" the voice boomed again. The robber stopped dead in his tracks and frantically looked all around. He spotted a parrot in a cage.
"Was that you?" asked the burglar.
"Yes," answered the parrot.
The criminal sighed in relief and asked, "What's your name?"
"Jesus," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Jesus?"
"The same idiot who named the rottweiler God."
Farming and Morning Service
By the time the morning service was to begin, only one man was in the church. The minister said to him, "It looks like everyone has slept in. Do you want to go home or should I preach the sermon?"
The man replied, "When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I still feed it."
The minister took that as a yes, mounted the pulpit and delivered an hour-long sermon. At the end, he asked the man what he thought. His answer: "When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I don't give it the whole bucket."
Farmer Sues Truck Company
Farmer Joe is suing a trucking company over injuries he suffered in a car accident.
The company's lawyer begins his cross-examination. "Is it true that at the accident scene you said, 'I'm fine'?"
"Let me explain," pleads the farmer. "I had loaded my mule Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road when his truck crashed into us. I was hurt bad. When the policeman came on the scene, he heard Bessie moaning. He took one look at her, pulled out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
"Then he walked over to me with his gun and asked,' Your mule was in such a bad shape that I had to shoot her. How are you?'"
Survey on Extra-Marital Flirting
In a survey: Eighteen per cent of married people say they've flirted with someone other than their spouse in the last month. Seventeen per cent offered to give more information to the survey taker... over dinner and a few drinks.
Execution Story
On business in Mexico, three men get drunk and wake up in jail to learn they will be executed. None of them can recall what they did to deserve it.
The first man put in the electric chair is asked for his last words.
"I'm from Yale Divinity School and I believe in the power of God to intervene in behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown, but nothing happens. The jailers figure God wants the man alive, so they let him go.
The second man is strapped in. "I'm from Harvard Law School and believe in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown; again, nothing. The jailers think the law must be on this man's side, so they let him go.
The last man says, "I'm an electrical engineer from MIT, and you're not electrocuting anybody if you don't connect those two loose wires down there."
Execution Story - starring Erap
Three men, Erap as the third one, are to be executed by means of a firing squad. Arriving at a sure way to escape, they all agreed to call out a natural disaster when the time comes for them to be shot. When the first one was already standing in front of the squad, he yelled "Earthquake!", and the crowd panics. The first man runs to take advantage of the ongoing commotion and got away.
When it was the second one's turn, he also attempted to fool everybody by shouting: "Tornado!" The crowd gets stirred up so the second man was able to evade death too.
Erap couldn't think of anything else so he was nervous but just about when the ceremony was to start - drums beating; Marshall counting - he suddenly came up with something and blasted: "FIRE!!!" [moral: Never instruct the firing squad to shoot you!
Magic Mirror - starring Erap
There was this powerful Magic Mirror which makes a person vanish into non-existence whenever that person tells a lie in front of it.
An ugly person stood in front of the mirror and exclaimed: "I think I am beautiful!" and, *POOF!!!* he was gone.
A bald guy faced the mirror and said: "I think my hair has grown back." **POOF!!** he too, he disappears.
Erap tries his luck and goes: "I think... " ***POOF!*** [If you do not think, don't tell the mirror that you do.]
|
|
