Jason Chilton

Nickname - J
Cockney rebel Jason Chilton, known more commonly as ‘J’ rose through the ranks last season to become captain of the mighty Grove United.

His barbaric style of play makes him an unsavoury sight for the opposition, while winning over female fans who describe him as ‘a beast’. 

Jason can often be seen before a game limbering up in the boot of his car applying ‘Ralgex’ to his thighs. Though this is thought to be a cover up as several players have come forward including Paul Barrow who says “I’ve heard he is trying to hide an Indian swan which he smuggled from Carr Mill Dam, I’m sure I seen a beak poking out of the rocker panel.” 

Jason can play anywhere in defence while his favourite position is in the centre of midfield, but with so much competition he has been limited to a handful of appearances there. He has also been known to wear the gloves on occasions and has done as good a job as any outfield pretender. 

Grove manager Matty Pape recently commented, “Without Jason the whole production would fall apart.” though this is thought to be his opinion of ‘Joseph and the Technicoloured Dreamcoat’, Jason will be looking to carry on his good work in a season that has seen him take several Man Of The Match accolades.  

Phil Schonewille

Nickname- Scunny

'scunny' endured a nightmare season after limping off injured in a game against British Lions in September.

The timid keeper has won many admirers since entering the combination leagues 18 months ago. His graceful style elevates him above any keeper in the league, but has been criticised for being too small. Standing at 5ft 10"1/2 Phil protests – “It’s not my fault.”


Phil hangs from his banisters two hours a night trying to stretch his body. Some say if for a few inches Phil could make it as a professional, while his team-mates would point to his retiring presence. “He just doesn’t shout,” says Gaz Anders.


Phil’s agility is key to his talent. He took a special interest in Ally Bongo when thumbing through his mother’s video collection as a child. As a result Phil can be seen flying through the air in slow motion during matches. ‘A beautiful sight’ one child on the touchline gasped, ’He’s like a wasp in a crisp packet’ remarked another.

It hasn’t all been peachy for Phil though.
He was involved in ‘sandbag’ surgery with a doctor we cannot name, though the media have dubbed him ‘Dr Nick’. It was an operation on his knee that caused him to miss six months of the season.

Phil is eligible to play for Holland and has strengthened his ties with the country since taking over information management at ‘Heinz’. The role has seen him fly solo to Amsterdam where he has spent lonely nights in his hotel rooms. This has led to hundreds of internet viewers shouting at their screens in a rush of advice for the lone star.
If you have any queries about Heinz email Phil at phils1982@hotmail.com  

Ste Maziere

Nickname -Maz
Media magnet Ste Maziere has been a rock in the centre of defence since his arrival at Grove United. The tumultuous tackler is known for his aggressive style and booming voice. Rants at his midfielders can be heard at every Saturday Combination League match, but centre half Lee Barrow claims “He’s inaudible.” 

Ste is not afraid to speak his mind off the field either which at times leads to anarchy. In June 2003 he was branded ‘unsuitable’ for caravan use by ‘The British Trailer-park Society Board’. 

‘Maz’ is an enterprising modern day defender who can take on players and frequently cuts through the opposition. With a big engine he is not the fastest over ten metres, but can out-sprint most players over seventy. 

Ste is hugely popular in the Grove dressing room, as well as his explicit anecdotes, he also hands out Jaffa Cakes to his starving team-mates. 

Ste can be seen, or not be seen, behind the cameras of Granada television. He is friends with stars such as So Rahman and Lucy Meacock; he was also the man behind Hazel Barret in the mid 90s. Outside of work, Ste leads a frantic lifestyle and to some on the outside this may be unsettling, but it leads to trust amongst his Grove colleagues. 

Maziere has played a large part in Grove’s season campaigns since it’s formation in 2002, something which he modestly refuses any recognition for today.  

Martin Hudson

Nickname - The silent assassin
After kicking a ball in frustration on Haresfinch Park for eight years, Martin chose to revive his amateur football career in the summer of 2002. He was ordered by doctors to quit competitive football after breaking his right leg for the second time while playing for Pilks U-14s. 

His incompetence mixed with flash in the pan skills makes him an unknown entity to the opposition and usually ends up being hacked to the ground. Unbelievably at 23, he is one of the senior members of the Grove squad, but still has to produce ID to the referee before a game. 

Martin notoriously wore a bandage around his head for spells both this season and last. The reasoning behind this is still unclear, but combined with his wacky hairstyles he’s received bitter abuse everywhere he’s played. Ian McIntyre feels pity saying “Martin is as quiet and innocent a person as your likely to meet and I don’t think he could handle the pressure from opposition players and fans and I think that’s the reason behind his dreadful performances.” 

Hudson’s eccentric behaviour has lead to intrigue amongst the Grove camp, but Martin plays down his reputation claiming that he is just a method actor in a real life situation. “If spectators knew the statistic for the number of goals scored from a corner, they wouldn’t get so excited, he says. Similarly if people knew the real Martin Hudson they wouldn’t give a toss.”  

Paul Barrow

Nickname-P
In many eyes he was Grove’s player of the 2002/03 season. This Elvis impersonator is known for his consistency and ability to play in any position. Playing largely as a right back in his first season, Paul excelled in this position and was pushed forward to add spice to the centre of midfield, partnering brother Lee in the process. 

Despite solid performances Paul never warmed to the role and asked to be put back to his old position; no surprise to see him playing upfront scoring freely this season then. Paul impressed so much as an auxiliary forward in a friendly against Glassmakers, that he was given the chance to play there regularly and has literally never looked back. 

A pleasant lad around Grove, his continental style and appearance have seen him fall foul of some torrid abuse from opposition supporters. A double of Juan Pablo Angel, he is not the archetypal pub footballer. 

Paul has many superstitions, including not putting up the net before a game. The flying postman also demands not to be named, and as is tradition with Paul he has given up Lent. 

Along with girlfriend Gemma, Paul is dedicated to Grove United, but his patience was tested in late 2003. A methodical man, he became increasingly disillusioned with the way Grove was being run. After threatening to quit on several occasions, Paul announced that he was leaving for a better life. However, management at Grove secured a major deal allowing the club to continue and Paul was back on board: perhaps strengthening Andy Kenny’s words that this man is indeed “a heap of confusion”.  

Daniel Oakes

Nickname - Oakesy
Like Martin, Phil & Adam, Dan has been playing on the fields of Haresfinch Park with his friends since the mid 90s, when the Tories were still deceiving a nation and it was ok to listen to bands like Cast while declaring Noel Gallagher a genius. But times changed and in 2002 he felt he had become too big for the park and decided with chums Phil, Martin and Ian Kelly to embark on the Grove adventure, after spotting an advert in the window of a local chippy. 

And it was on the fields of Haresfinch where Dan displayed his sweet right foot that persuaded manager Pape to throw him in at the strikers end against Billinge Wonderstuff. 

Oakes had a good scoring rate in his few appearances as striker, but was played in positions across the midfield, a trend that continues today. “I understand difficulties with accommodation, says Oakes, I’ve been to the Travelodge in Haydock.” 

Oakes can only be seen at a distance of thirty feet due to his slight frame: legend has it, the Parr Stocks pitch was narrowed slightly on each side so fans wouldn’t lose sight of their favourite son. 

Oakes likes to sit near the door in the Grove changing rooms; he says, “I like to sit near the door in the Grove changing rooms.” It’s thought that Oakes gets claustrophobic at the sight of an incoming referee. This is down to the fact that he has never received the much-coveted ‘Man Of The Match’ award, Oakesy explains – “If I come across as bitter, that’s why.” 

Quite simply nobody can tame this lofty fanatic, his appetite for the beautiful game is second to none and he’s the ultimate role model to the scrawny children who lurk around Parr Stocks every Saturday.  

Gary Maziere

Nickname - 'Gaz Maz'
One of the old guard ‘Gaz Maz’ is still Grove United’s top Goalscorer despite Paul Barrow’s rampant form of late. 

Although he can get on the referees tits, Gaz remains a friendly, approachable figure. Gaz is so popular around the Grove changing rooms that he will be thought of every eight minutes.

Gaz is a supreme athlete who keeps on top of his fitness by performing twenty star-jumps a day. “It’s good for morale,” he says. This has led to Gaz sometimes taking over training sessions at Grove HQ. 

Gaz can also be seen pulling skids around Safeway car park in his Vauxhall Corsa, such is his confidence. He also likes to wind the window down and play R&B at full belt, such is his bass. 

But it’s not been so rosy for Gaz in 2004. The star striker has been ruled out for most of the winter/spring period due to a knee injury. After visiting knee specialist and Grove colleague Phil, he was left rueing his luck. Phil told a close friend “Between you and me, I don’t think he’ll ever be the same.” 

It’s hard to believe Gaz is still only eighteen, when he is nineteen, but his best days are ahead of him and unlike the opposition, he can take comfort from that.  

Adam Hayes

Nickname -
Adam Hayes first appeared in the ‘Teaching Soccer Fundamentals’ book at the tender age of 13. Since then Hayes has played for Young Gate and the high-flying Garswood Juniors. 

It was at Garswood where Hayes learnt his trade and was known as ‘that text book defender’. He is generally thought of as the most efficient fullback since Robert Molenaar. Hayes admittedly is not the most adept player on the ball, but off it he is a nightmare for attackers, hassling them like a thorn in a boy's side. 

Off the field Hayes is a cool character, who likes to relax by watching the sun go down from his landscape garden. He is the youngest player in the Grove squad at just 17 and as if the point needed proving, he is currently taking driving lessons. Apart from running over a jackdaw, Hayes is said to be a flawless driver, particularly through forests where he feels most at home. 

Hayes is one of Gate’s summer signings and has prepared well by throwing himself at Billinge twice a day. He has also started listening to Sting to help build some resilience. “I’m taking this very seriously” he says, “I’m going to punish myself to meet up with the standards of the team” Hayes has outlined his plans by writing them with a stone on his front drive. 

Neighbours have complained but there is nothing they can do as Hayes has mentioned the religious faith Kabbalah, in which to object is to bring bad luck. “He’s got us, says resident Janet Jackson”. It all goes to prove that Hayes means business in 2004/05.  

Jeff Voller

Motor-mouth Jeff Voller became a part of Gate’s set up in the second half of 03/04 season.  

Jeff has worked hard on dumbing down his stereotypical witty Scouse humour routine, in a bid to be accepted amongst his Lancastrian team-mates.  “He just needs to act like a dope,” says cockney outcast Jason Chilton.  

However, Voller hasn’t helped matters by causing unrest at The Gate’s headquarters.  Perhaps when Avril Lavigne penned the lyrics “Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?” she was thinking of Jeff Voller, in regards to the recent ticket fiasco involving a spat with manager Matty Pape.  

Often outspoken, Voller has become a controversial figure.  Exhibiting his English patriotism, Voller recently purchased a set of BNP curtains, which he displays in the window of his house in Sutton.  

Sporting the kind of name any footballer would dream of, Jeff has found it hard to live up to his tag, but has become the clubs most improved player.  Voller has been impressive during pre-season, looking sharper than ever, despite some calamitous errors.  So says Jason, who held a lecture discussing Voller’s faults throughout a match versus the Cricketers Arms.  

Voller is going to have to reach colossal proportions though if he is to oust no1 Philip Schonewille.  He will be keeping his fingers crossed that Schonewille’s move to New Street is more than a rumour.

Lee Barrow BSc (Hons)

Real Gate’s star player, it’s hard to put a figure on just how much Lee Barrow is worth in today’s market.  Gate recently turned down a bid of £74 from rivals Rainford North End.  

Ironically Lee is paying the price for his reputation, as the opposition have targeted the diminutive midfielder for some rough treatment.  Men as old as 35 have disgraced themselves in attempting to hack down the young prodigy.  

Wild-child Lee has probably made more headlines off the field though, for his notorious nightlife activities.  Lee defends his actions pleading that everything should be taken in moderation.  “How dare I go out and enjoy myself?  I’m still young, people who oppose me having a good time are just a bitter bunch of bastards”, says an irate Barrow.  

Fancy ankles Lee has been a part-time player until now, having just earned a 2-2 in Biology at Leeds University.  Now Lee plans to play a major role in Gate’s season, having let down his team-mates for so long.  

Lee’s appetite for the game is second to none, as demonstrated every Saturday.  To achieve his outstanding fitness levels, Lee finds different ways of storing breakfast bars in his kit, even replacing his shin pads for waffles, pop tarts and Nutri-Grain bars, such is his demand for peak performance.