SecretCD's

If there are any copywrited stuff on this pages please let me know so that I can remove it

Last updated 16 March 2001 14:00

Please note

You will find no nudity or pornography on this web page

I will add your name, email address, home page and any other info, if you just send me the details.

Please send me any other information relevant for cross dressers that can be added to this page to secrets159@hotmail.com

You might want to have an anonymous email address. Go to www.hotmail.com and get one, it is free.
 

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Introduction

I decided to set up a web page with very little info. Hoping you will contribute to this pages and going to be the writers of this web site. After all you and me are the people who understand the woman within.

For many of us, the need to cross dress has been around since puberty. For many even before that. There are professionals who believe it is programmed into us from birth, some dispute that. Years ago psychologist tried to cure cross dressers, today most have recognized that cross dressing is lifelong and better results can be obtained by helping the cross dresser to accept their feminine side. There is no cure and cross dressing is lifelong. I can tell you that it has caused me allot of headaches.  For me, it is not a conscious choice it is part of me...

This page has been set up in the hope of helping other Cross dressers finding contacts in South Africa and in the rest of the world, hopefully in their own language. Cross dressers that are still in the closet and will be there for life can stay anonymous and still be able to talk to people with the same interest. I have found that some of the stress of dealing with cross dressing alone, can be relieved by just talking about it. The question is who to talk to if you want to keep your secret? To all the out of the closet crossdressers.........please help with your contribution.

Please note that this page is also for none cross dressers to understand cross dressing, Specifically in support of cross dressers.

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What is cross dressing?

Cross dressers are not any obscure sexual perverts they come from all walks of life, races, creeds, and economic backgrounds. From doctors and lawyers, to truck drivers and general laborers. The majority of cross dressing men are firmly heterosexual, married with kids and very faithful to his wife. Studies have shown that the rate of homosexuality and bisexuality among cross dressers are the same than that of the rest of society.

Cross dressing is not just about wearing women's clothes. The way they dress is an expression of how they feel at times. It is estimated that cross dressing men comprise between 5 and 10% of the adult male population. Most are ordinary men who have discovered a feminine aspect to their personalities, and decided to explore it. The way they dress is sometimes the only way that helps them expressing the feminine which is so much part of their personality and which can be a bitch if not given time to be herself. Sometimes by just wearing female underwear underneath their male clothing can keep the lady within happy.

A caring and moral society should be much more concerned about men who need violence and machismo to feel complete, than about men who try on frilly clothes. In their quest to obtain the positive qualities of the female, cross dressing men are generally more caring and sensitive,have more feeling and a desire to share feelings. It is unfortunate that so many stigmas accompany cross dressing. Prejudging people based upon what they do, what they wear or what their sexual orientation is prevents one from finding out what truly fine people they are.

A few women are crossdressers,but they are much less numerous than their male counterparts. Perhaps this is due to the latitude society grants to women in matters of dress and self-expression.

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My story

I have been sitting here staring at the blank page for a long, long time.......how do I begin to tell my story? English is not my home language and because of that it is a problem to express myself fully. Let me try:

I am 46 years old and from the age of 13 cross dressed. When I was 13 years old, South Africans (especially Afrikaans speaking South Africans) where very religious and narrow minded ( some still are ). Please don't get me wrong, I am proud to be Afrikaans and a South African but sometimes you have to admit that the society around you still are far behind times...... "Perverted men wear woman's clothing".

With no information on the subject I felt that I was the only person with the desire to cross dress. It caused allot of inner turmoil within me and as a result lived in constant fear and depression. There were times that I hate this body, wishing that it was that of a woman instead of a man. Later I would find out that there are thousands other like me. I was ashamed of what I was and did but the older I get the more I learn to except it as a part I had to live with and make the best of it.

I am 1.6 m tall, weigh 60 kg and wear a size small. I suppose I am one of the lucky ones not to have to hunt for big sizes and therefore got no problem with buying feminine clothes but I am not so blind not to realize that I will never be able to pass as a woman. Some of us are just not feminine enough. This however don't stop me from enjoying being a woman psychological. I am still in the closet and think will be there for life. Coming out has crossed my mind but in a small town in the Karoo( region in South Africa )where I live it will be stupid even to think of doing so. I realy don't care what people say or think about me but I have to think about my family. Sometimes cross dressing and the secret I have to keep hurts so much.

I tried alcohol to kill the female inside but when I got sober she was still there and more demanding than ever. After driving my car down a embankment in a drunken state, realize there was only one cure. Admit that she exists or drink myself to death. ......It makes me so sad to think what I could have given to my society and family was I only allowed to live as I wished. When I am in my male self I am lazy and don't care a damn about anything.

I am a part time artist and working on my third exhibition at the moment ( sorry cant show anything in fear that it may be recognize by someone I know). I get very depressed when I am unable to dress and it is only then that I am able to create. In the past all my work was about people being bound ....don't get me wrong I am not a sadist.Much later I realize that unconsciously I express through my art the bondage that she feels to be locked up when she wanted to come out and be herself. It took me years before I realized, I, the man, was never the artist. Now that I made peace with cross dressing my art got more colorful and happy.

The day I decided to except my cross dressing and not be so deep in the closet my life changed. I don't have to pretend so much to be a macho man anymore. Don't have to worry to stay a member of a well known men's organization to be in with the men. Do not have to hide my femininity as much as in the past although I still keep it a secret. I openly stand up in support of transgendered people and not like in the past speak mockingly about them just to draw attention away from me, afraid that by not doing so will give my game away.

I got married at the age of 23 and believed that I will be rid of my cross dressing, what a fool I have been. I tried to get rid of my other self many times before. I have been cross dressing whenever I got the time over the years. Even made time if there was none by sending my wife and kid on holiday with some or other lame excuse why I cant join them. Always had a excuse when there was a function on at school so that I can stay home alone. It makes me so sad to think how many hours I could have spend with them. Now that my daughter is almost grown up there are no ways to make up for the lost years. No matter how many time I try to spend with them now will ever make up for the time that is lost. This is the only regret I have because of cross dressing. A regret I have to live with for the rest of my life because society laid down the rules what is and what is not normal.

There are always the question if I want to live full-time as a woman? The answer at the moment is no. I like being a husband and father just as much as being in secret a woman.

My unprofessional advice is to acknowledge the person inside, give her due and let her come out to play sometimes. Don't fight it even if you are in the closet there are so many ways to satisfy her needs without giving away your deepest secret. Believe me your life will change from depressed to a much happier you. If you have the chance to live your life as a cross dresser openly don't ever hesitate. Live the way you was created to do.Let us all just hope that in the future transgenderism will be acknowledge as normal.

How many places have I once traveled,

where pure streams rushed

between white rocks?

As I grow old, I can no longer roam,

so I pick up the brush

to depict those hills and mountains

Lai Bai

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