[sound effects from tools]

Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town
Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until a friend told me the news

He said, "Hey, you know that vacant lot
Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it
And on that spot they're gonna build a shop
Where we can go buy bolts and screws"

Since then I've been walking on air (air)
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair
'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care
I've been waiting since last June

For this day to finally arrive
I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive
'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside
Well, I hope they open soon

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up the door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight
Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out
I pressed my nose right up against the glass
You know, I had to be first in line

Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom
Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon
One of them will be all mine

Guys with nametags walking down the aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles
Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles
All arranged alphabetically

And they're doing a promotional stunt
There's a great big purple sign out front
That says every 27th customer
Will get a ball-peen hammer free

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up the door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

Would you look at all that stuff ...
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up the door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

It's rotten (rotten, rotten, rotten)
So rotten here (here, here, here)
So rotten (rotten, rotten, rotten) (uh)
Oh

It was like, the last day before trash day (uh)
My place was gettin' kinda nas-tay (uh)
Even though the garbage I knew would reek
(You know) Thought that I could leave it for one more week

Then, um, I'm takin'
Birthday cake 'n'
(Oh) Chili and greasy old bacon
Throw it all on top of the mess I been makin'
Wife's so mad, she starts to shakin'

Leaky bag, 'n' now that girl is gaggin'
She's naggin'
"I need you to get that stuff off the kitchen floor" (uh)
"Is that too much to ask you for?" (oh)

But I see no reason why
Can't let a few more weeks go by (uh uh)
And now garbage is piled up high
And buddy, you should see the flies
I said ...

There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose, oh
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) (uh uh uh uh)
Oh, boy there's a lot in here (a lot)
And every day it grows
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) (uh uh uh uh)
Make ya wanna throw up

Look at all this garbage I keep generatin'
(Come on) I sit around all day and watch it biodegradin'
Bet there's a hundred health codes that I'm violatin'
Even my dog passed out and needed resuscitatin'

You won't believe it, take a whiff of that aroma
Sure to put you in a coma
It's so messy, can't find my toenail clippers
It so bad the roaches wearin' slippers

Warm, (uh) sweaty (uh) clothes piled up in this joint
Stand up by themselves at this point
It's so filthy, now baby, I can't lie
I wipe my feet before I go outside

I wonder what crawled in here and died
(You know) Walkin' 'round barefoot, I'd be terrified
But it gives me stuff to talk about with my friends
Like, "Hey, I think them rats gettin' big!"
Oh

There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose, oh
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) (uh uh uh uh)
Oh, look what we got in here (now what?)
Let's watch it decompose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) (uh uh uh uh)

Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit a ***, and a little bit a ***
Make me wanna throw up
It makes ya wanna ***, just makes ya wanna ***
Oh

Some Lysol, some Comet
I got a mop and it's got your name on it
(What?) I'm just kiddin', doggone it
(Oh) Unless you gonna do it

Careful not to (eh?) breathe the fumes
Check it, garbage piles are goin' all the way to the bathroom
Turn into toxic waste sometime this afternoon
Better get a Hazmat suit and a push broom
Oh

There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose, oh
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) (uh uh uh uh)
Oh, it's gone to pot in here (to pot)
Bring out the firehose, oh
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) (uh uh uh uh)

Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit a ***, and a little bit a ***
Make me wanna throw up
Give a little bit a ***, and a tiny bit a ***

Make ya wanna throw up
Mix a little bit a *** with a molecule a ***
Make me wanna throw up
It makes me wanna *** (aw, eww), just makes me wanna *** [hock] [spit]
Oh

Finger food and an ice cold keg
It won't cost you an arm and a leg
Dance all night to a rotten band
Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand

Saturday night, it's the place to be
Everybody cut footloose with me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey

Met a little lady so pretty and young
She was quite a little talker 'till the cat got her tongue
She oozed up beside me, I turned on my charm
Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed

I said, "Girl, now don't fall to pieces on me"
But she cried her eyes out - literally
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey, hey

Hey now, buddy, don't you give me no lip
Sorry I was using your head for dip
There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who
Wait a minute, it looks like Stu

Well, hold the phone now, what do I see?
Another pretty mama got her eye on me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony

There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)

Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Yeah, party at the leper colony
Well, there's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
Hey