APRIL 2001

We'll start with this site's very first joke!

April 1st
Two cows are chatting in a field. One says to the other, "Are you worried by this mad cow disease?" The second cow says, "It doesn't affect me - I'm a rabbit!"

April 2nd
A man rings the doctor and says, "My wife is in labour, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.

"No, you idiot!" shouts the man, "I'm her husband!"

April 3rd
Two blondes are walking through the park. One says, "Oh, look at the poor little dead birdie!" The other one looks up in the air and says, "Where?"

April 4th
The next day the two blondes are again in the park and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Yes, what about it?"

April 5th
A Sunday School teacher was watching her class as they drew. She asked one little girl what she was drawing. The little girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without looking up, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."

April 6th
Young Jock McTavish from Glasgow went to study at a university in England and was living in the hall of residence. After a week his mother rang him. "How do you get along with the other students, Jock?" she asked.

"Well," he replied, "they are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night."

"Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?"

"I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"

April 7th
A nervous postman on his first round walked up to a garden fence. There was a large Doberman lying on the grass. An old man was sitting on the patio.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the postman asked.

The old man replied, "No, he never has done."

So the opened the gate and went into the garden. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the old man dragged the dog off, the postman yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man replied, "He's not my dog!"

April 8th: (and a very happy birthday to my son, Sammy!)
Some "Mummy!" jokes:

Mummy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Ssh! You'll wake your dad!

Mummy! My head hurts! Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mummy! I keep running in circles. Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

But Mummy, I don't want to go to Australia! Just shut up and keep on swimming!

April 9th: Some "Mother-in-law" jokes:

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. Is she OK? Yes, but the poor dog died!

One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "Well, just eat the vegetables then!"

A man and his mother-in-law were driving down a country road, arguing bitterly. As they passed a farmyard full of pigs, the mother-in-law asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yes," the man replied, "in-laws."

April 10th:
A hairdresser was trying to cut a blonde's hair, but because she refused to take off the headset of her Walkman he found his task very difficult. Finally, exasperated, he pulled off the handset and she collapsed on the floor. An ambulance rushed her to hospital but too late, she was dead. The hairdresser felt very bad about this but wondered what she was listening to. He put on the headset and heard the words, "Breathe in....breathe out....breathe in....!" (Contributed by Dr. Cathy Armstrong)

April 11th:
A man walked into a health centre and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she told him to have a seat. An hour later he got in to see the doctor who asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "outside in the lorry. Where do you want them?"

April 12th : (and a very happy birthday to my daughter Leah!)

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

There's always one less drunk!

Paddy Fitzgerald had worked in a timber yard for five years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. He told the priest. "Father, it's five years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the timber yard all that time." "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" Fitzgerald said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the timber!"

April 13th :
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.

What do you get if you meet a vampire on the coldest night of the year?
Frostbite.


April 14th :
A man was driving down a country road when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and lifted the bonnet to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered over to the car and stuck her head under the bonnet beside the man.
After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!" Then she just turned and walked away.
Amazed, the man walked over to the farmhouse where he met a farmer.
"I say, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yes, that's old Mary."
The man said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Mary, she doesn't know anything about cars!"

April 15th - Easter Sunday :
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a scout?
A rabbit who helps little old ladies hop across the street!

Why can't the Easter Bunny's nose be twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!

A man was coming out of church on Easter Sunday, and the minister was standing at the door shaking hands. He grasped the man's hand and said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Said the man, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Reverend!"

"So why do I only see you at Christmas and Easter?"

Back came the whisper, "Sshh - I'm in the secret service!"


A very Happy Easter to all my readers!

April 16th :
A man is speeding down the motorway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realise you were doing 90 m.p.h. in a 70 limit, sir?" asks the policeman. "That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver. The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down." The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car." That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver. Says the wife, "No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seat belt on." At that, the driver goes mad. "Shut up woman, can't you, just for once, keep your big, fat trap shut?" The policeman is a bit taken aback by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?" "Oh, no, constable," she says, "only when he's drunk."

April 17th :

There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.


April 18th :
A primary school teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Now imagine this," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and calling for help. His wife hears the noise, and knowing he can't swim, runs down to the bank. Why do you think she runs to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Was it to draw out all his savings?"

April 19th :
A man had a terrible accident, so that he lost both ears. As a result, he was very self-conscious. However, he got a lot of money from his insurance company, and bought a small computer firm with his windfall. Knowing nothing about computers, he decided to hire someone to run the company. He picked three candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything strange about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears!" Exit the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything strange about me?" he asked candidate number two.
"Yes. You have no ears." That one quickly followed the first candidate out the door!
"Do you notice anything strange about me?" the third candidate was asked.
"Yes. You're wearing contact lenses."
"That's right. How did you know that?" Back came the answer, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have ears!"

April 20th :
A Sunday School teacher was having problems explaining the message behind the parable of the Good Samaritan to her little pupils. Finally, she said to one 8 year-old, "Tanya, if you were walking through an empty car park and you saw a man lying on the ground, badly beaten up by muggers, with his clothes all torn and covered with blood, what would you do?" Said Tanya, "I think I'd throw up!"

April 21st :
John and his wife Mary went to the seaside every year, and every time John would say "Mary, I'd love to have a ride in that aeroplane." Mary always replied "I know John, but it costs £10, and £10 is £10." One year John said "Mary, I'm 76 years old. If I don't go in that aeroplane I might never get another chance." Mary replied "John, that aeroplane ride costs £10, and £10 is £10." The pilot overheard them and said "Look, I tell you what. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you anything; but if you speak at all it'll cost you £10." John and Mary agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of frightening acrobatics, but he didn't hear a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to John and said "You know, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." John replied "Well, I was going to say something when Mary fell out, but £10 is £10!"

April 22nd :
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the child's grandfather. The girl went rambling among the graves looking at the head stones and eventually rejoined her mum. "Mummy, do they bury two people in one grave?" she asked. "I don't think so, dear," said her mother, "why do you ask?" "Well it says on one of the stones over there, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."!"

April 23rd : (with apologies to all my female friends!)

WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog doesn't complain when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get jealous if you pay attention to another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on St. Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog doesn't go shopping!

April 24th :
A student was flying home to London from Edinburgh. At the check-in, he said to the operator, "Now I want you to send my black case to London and my blue case to Amsterdam." The check-in operator replied, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that!" "Oh really," said the student, "that's what you did the last time I flew with you!"

April 25th : (because the entry for April 23rd wasn't appreciated - this is for all you ladies out there!!)

10 REASONS WHY A CAT IS BETTER THAN A MAN:
1. A cat loves you till it dies.
2. A cat never wants to borrow money from you.
3. A cat doesn't have to be encouraged to put on fresh socks and underwear every day.
4. A cat doesn't expect you to treat its mother with respect.
5. A cat doesn't boast about the number of previous partners it has had.
6. A cat doesn't ask you if the delicious soup you spent ages making came out of a tin.
7. A cat doesn't snore all night and keep you awake.
8. A cat doesn't think that it is God's greatest gift to you.
9. A cat doesn't sulk if you go out for the evening and leave it on its own.
10. If a cat has a minor illness, it doesn't get on as if its days are numbered!

April 26th :
A man was reading the small ads column in his local newspaper when one of them caught his eye. It said, "Brand new Rolls Royce - only £500!" The man was amazed and thought it might be a joke, but he decided that he would go and have a look. So he went to the house of the woman who was selling the Rolls and she took him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Rolls Royce. "Fantastic!" the man said, "May I take it for a test drive?" "Of course," answered the woman. To the man's surprise, the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the woman's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling this great car for only £500?" Said the woman with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Rolls and send me the money!"

April 27th :
What happens when students graduate:
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with a Medical degree asks, "How do I treat this?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Aeronautics degree asks, "Will it fly safely?"
The graduate with a Humanities degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

April 28th :
A young man joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. Every day he worked hard in the fields and never said a word. After ten years, the Abbot summoned him. "Brother, it is ten years since your vow of silence. On this special day, you may speak. Do you have anything to say?" He said, "The food is terrible!" Ten years later, he was again summoned to the Abbot's office. "Brother, it is now twenty years since you joined us. Again, on this special day you may speak." The monk said, "The bed is too hard", and walked out. Ten years later he was again called to see the Abbot. "It has been thirty years since you took your vow of silence, brother. Is there anything you would like to say?" Said the monk, "I'm resigning." The Abbot replied, "Yes, I'm not surprised. You haven't done anything but complain since you got here!"

April 29th :
Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar looking very happy indeed. The barman comes over and says, "You two look as if you are celebrating something!" "Well", one of the women says, "we are celebrating - we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle, and it said "3-5 years" on the box, but we finished it in only 9 days!"

What do you call a blonde in a wardrobe?
Yesterday's hide-and-seek winner!

April 30th :
The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair was walking along a beach in Northern Ireland when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. He picked it up, took off the lid and was amazed to see a genie coming out of it. "Thank you for releasing me", said the genie - "I will grant you one wish!" Tony replied, "That's kind - I tell you what, I have always wanted a road from Northern Ireland to Scotland." The genie said, "I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the bridge and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the sea. That's too much to ask." "Well," Tony said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm the Prime Minister, - I'm fed up with all the hatred in Northern Ireland. Can you make all the people get on with one another here?" The genie thought for a minute, and then asked, "Did you want two lanes or four?"