My second year begins!
April 1st
Things NOT To Do While Taking Your Driving Test:
Fill your car with beer bottles.
Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, hand him a newspaper and tell him to sit on it so that he doesn't dirty the seat.
Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the accelerator?"
When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the accelerator. Tell him that you thought it was the brake.
In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it off, slap his hand.
Swear at everybody on the road.
When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the car next to you and the light.
Toot your horn at everything.
Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up!
April 2nd
Some plays on words - part 1 :
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
April 3rd
Some plays on words - part 2 :
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
April 4th
Some lines from Army Officer proficiency reports:
A room temperature IQ.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
April 5th
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
April 6th
The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs,
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
April 7th
The advantages of being a man:
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
Hair dressers don't commit daylight robbery on you.
You can go to the toilet without a support group.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.99 for a three-pack.
If you are 36 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car journey from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Wedding dress - £1500. Dress suit rental - £35
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can choose to grow a moustache
You can get two days out of a pair of socks and three days out of a pair of underpants!
April 8th
Prince Charles went to visit a nursing home. He walked up to a lady in a wheel chair and chatted to her for a while. He gradually realised that she was blissfully unaware of his identity. He said, "Ma'm, do you know who I am?"
She answered, pointing, "No sir I don't know who you are, but if you go up to that desk the nice lady in the white dress can tell you!"
April 9th
During the Second World War, two coast watchers were on station on the Atlantic coast one dark night, using their large search light to watch the ocean for subs or invaders. One of them looked out at the path of the beam, and said. "Man, that is one powerful beam of light."
The other one agreed and said, "I'll bet you £20.00 you could walk out on that beam."
"Do you think I'm a fool?" The first one said, "I'll get half way out and you will turn the light off!"
April 10th
A few "alternative" proverbs:
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to
blow your nose.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
April 11th
Guide To Personal Ads:
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish - 49
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Smokes cannabis
Emotionally Secure - On tranquillisers
Fun - Annoying
Good Listener - Bad stammerer
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Embarrassing loud-mouth
Redhead - Hair dyed
Reubenesque - Grossly Fat
Romantic - Looks better by candle light
Social - Heavy drinker
Voluptuous - Very fat
Widow - Poisoned first husband
Young at heart - Old bat.
April 12th
MEN'S ADS
40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-year-old
Athletic - Watches football a lot
Average looking - Fat and bald
Educated - Will bore you silly
Free Spirit - Ladies man
Good looking - Conceited
Very good looking - Thick as two planks
Honest - Pathological Liar
Huggable - Grossly overweight
Likes to cuddle - Mummy's boy
Mature - Ancient
Open-minded - Interested in anything in a skirt
Physically fit - Expert with the TV handset
Sensitive - Cries at sad films
Spiritual - Puts the odd coin in a Salvation Army collecting box.
April 13th
Some answering machine messages for you to try:-
Hello! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Greetings, you have reached the British Intelligence. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
The number you have reached, 2260477, has been changed. The new number is 2260477. Please make a note of it.
Hello, this is Mike. I've got a puppy in one hand and a pistol in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
Hi. I'm probably at home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
April 14th
Some notices you may not have seen:
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
At the Optician's: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."
In a vet's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On the door of a Computer shop: "Out for a quick byte."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
April 15th
A farmer in the United States decided his injuries from a road accident were serious enough to take the bus company responsible for the accident to court. In court the bus company's lawyer was questioning Farmer Pat.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked the lawyer.
Pat responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just put my dog Spot into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Pat said, "Well, I had just got Spot into the passenger seat and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now, several months after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe his claim is fraudulent. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Pat's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what the man has to say."
Pat thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Spot into the passenger seat and was driving her down the highway when this bus jumped the traffic lights and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Spot was thrown into the other. I was hurting really badly and didn't want to move. However, I could hear Spot moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Spot moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your dog was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?
Your Honour, what would YOU have said?"
April 16th
A man was being sold a very cheap suit.
"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.
"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales assistant explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."
"But the right leg is far too short," argued the customer.
"No problem," the sales assistant answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty pounds."
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.
Two doctors happened along and noticed him.
"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."
"Yes," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit really well?"
April 17th
My thanks to Fiona O'Hagan for the following:
Things that change after University - Part 1:
1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
2.You have food in the fridge.
3. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital
4. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
5. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.
6.You carry an umbrella.
7.The heating works in your house.
8.You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
9.Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10.You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
April 18th
Things that change after University - Part 2:
11.You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.
12.Washing up is not an annual ritual.
13.You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.
14.You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.
15.You don't put half-finished pizza in the fridge to eat later.
16.You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17.A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
18.You don't have mice living in your kitchen.
19.Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
April 19th
A bus was so full that there were passengers standing jam-packed in the aisle. A very large lady seated at the front on one side stared angrily at a man sitting on the other side.
"Young man," she said eventually, "if you were a true gentleman, you would stand up and offer one of these ladies a seat."
The man stared at her for a few seconds and then said coldly, "And if you were a true lady, you would stand up and let four of them sit down!"
April 20th
Actual Newspaper Headlines: Part 1
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
April 21st
Actual Newspaper Headlines: Part 2
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
April 22nd
Actual Newspaper Headlines: Part 3
Deer Kill 17,000
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
April 23rd
Three patients in a psychiatric hospital prepare for an examination given by the psychiatrist. If the patients
pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will hold on to them for
five more years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks
the first patient to jump - so he jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
The second patient jumps feet-first and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
'Congratulations! You're free to leave.But tell me why didn't you jump?' asked the doctor.
'Well Doctor', said the patient, 'I don't know how to swim!'
April 24th
The Laws of Physics Relating to Cats - Part 1
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any work surface that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
April 25th
The Laws of Physics Relating to Cats - Part 2
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed instantly.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
April 26th
If Cars were like PCs
At a recent computer exhibition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the car industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the Sun, was reliable, 5 times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine!
April 27th
A man was stopped by a water bailiff as he was walking away from a lake. He had with him two buckets of fish. The bailiff asked the man:
'Do you have a licence to catch those fish?'
The man replied, 'No, sir. These are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?' the bailiff replied.
'Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around. After a while, I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them back home again.'
'That's a load of rubbish! Fish can't do that!' was the outburst from the bailiff.
The man looked at the game bailiff for a moment, and then said: 'Here, I'll show you. It really works.'
'O.K. I've GOT to see this!' The bailiff was curious now.
The man poured the two buckets of fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the bailiff turned to theman and said, 'Well?'
'Well, what?' the man responded.
'When are you going to call them back?' The bailiff prompted, sneering.
'Call who back?' The man asked.
'The FISH.' the bailiff said.
'What fish?' The man asked.
April 28th
A woman went into a car accessory shop.
"I'd like a 710 cap please", she said to the assistant.
"A what cap?" he replied.
"A 710 cap - you know, it's on top of the engine."
"I'm sorry, I don't know what you are talking about."
The woman started to get annoyed. "Look, I went out to fill my windscreen washer bottle this morning and I noticed that the cap labelled "710" was missing. I don't know what it does but I need one!"
I don't know what it does either, or what it looks like - could you draw it for me? said the assistant.
"Certainly!" said the woman lifting a pen. She drew a circle and wrote 710 in the middle. "There!" she said.
The assistant looked at it, turned it upside down and said,
"Oh, you MEAN an OIL cap!
April 29th
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, Mummy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"Why are you doing that?" asked Little Johnny. "Are you giving up?"
April 30th
Two men were out walking their dogs. One had a Pekinese and the other had a Rottweiler. The man with the Rottweiler said,
"Let's go into that hotel and have a drink."
"We can't," said the other, "there's a sign saying 'No dogs' - they won't let us in."
"Yes they will - put on these dark glasses and I'll show you."
The Rotteiler owner also put on dark glasses and led the other man into the hotel. A porter said to him,
"Sorry sir - no dogs allowed."
The man said, "But it's my guide dog"
"Guide dog - a Rottweiler?" said the porter.
"Yes, they are terrific!" replied the man.
"OK - come on in sir." said the porter who then confronted the second man.
"Sorry sir - no dogs allowed."
The man said, "But it's my guide dog"
"Guide dog - a Pekinese?" asked the porter incredulously.
"Pekinese - you mean they gave me a Pekinese?"
