AUGUST 2001





August 1st
After a long, boring sermon, the minister announced that he wanted to meet with the church board at the end of the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You didn't understand my announcement, this is a meeting for board members," explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him!"

August 2nd
An elderly couple were out driving in the country when they were pulled over by a police patrol car. The constable said to the woman driver, "Madam did you know you were speeding?" The rather deaf woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man shouted, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your licence?" The woman turned to her husband and asked again, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your licence!" The woman gave the policeman her licence. The patrolman said, "I see you are from Nottingham. When I lived there I went on a blind date with the dumbest woman I've ever seen!" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man replied, "He says he knows you!"

August 3rd
A little boy was used to being the centre of attention, so he was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. When she was nearly a year old, the parents told the boy that now that his sister was getting older, the house was too small and they would have to move. "What's the point?" the boy said, "She's crawling well now and she'd probably just follow us!"

August 4th
A little boy was sitting in the churchyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The priest walked up and asked him what he was doing. The boy replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world." The priest said, "But Patrick, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's stomach, she will pass a boy!" Little Patrick said, "So what! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's tail and light it up, it'll pass a Porsche!"

With apologies to cat lovers!

August 5th
Three old men went to the doctor for a mental function test. The doctor said to the first man, "What is three times three?" "576" he replied. The doctor said to the second man, "What is three times three?" "Thursday" replied the second man. The doctor said to the third man, "Right, let's see how you do, what's three times three"? "Ten" said the third man. "That's great!" exclaimed the doctor. "How did you know that?" "Easy," said the third man. "I just subtracted 576 from Thursday!"

August 6th
PARENTHOOD TEST (part one). Are you thinking about having children? Take these tests first to see if you are up to it!

MESSINESS TEST:

Rub peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Write on the kitchen wall with crayons. Place a sausage under the sofa and leave it there for six weeks. Happy with the results? Excellent!

SUPERMARKET TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals - dogs are perfect - and take them shopping. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a box of Lego. Spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk barefoot to the bathroom. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain a living octopus. Stuff it into a pair of tights making sure that all arms stay inside. Dressing a child will be of similar difficulty!

August 7th
PARENTHOOD TEST (part two). Are you still thinking about having children? Take these final tests.

FEEDING TEST:

Half fill a large plastic jug with water. Suspend from a ceiling light with string. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of cornflakes into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an aeroplane. Now pour the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Fill a cloth bag with ten pounds of sand. At 10pm dance and hum with the bag until 2am. Put down the bag and get into bed. When you are warm and comfortable get out of bed, lift the bag and sing every song you can think of. At 6am go back to bed taking the bag with you. Get up an hour later and make breakfast. How do you feel?

STRENGTH TEST (Women):

Attach the above mentioned bag to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove about two pounds of sand. Do you look much smaller? No? Oh dear!

MENTAL STABILITY TEST (Men):

Go to the nearest chemist's shop. Place your wallet on the counter. Ask the assistant to help herself. Now go to the supermarket. Go to Customer Service and arrange for your salary to be deposited there regularly. Feeling short of money? Yes? Rather depressed? Yes? Oh dear!

FINAL TEST:

In the closing stages of pregnancy, visit a couple who already have a small child. Advise them on discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and table manners. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

August 8th
A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees one with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg. He asks the assistant the meaning of the strings. "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," is the reply. "And what happens if I pull both the strings?" the shopper inquires. "I fall off my perch you idiot!" screeches the parrot.

August 9th
A blonde is very overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "You must eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the cycle for two weeks. Next time I see you, you'll have lost at least ten pounds." When the blonde comes back, she's lost nearly a stone. "Incredible!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" "Yes, but I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping!"

August 10th
Three men are talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third says nothing. After a while one of them asks the quiet man, "Well, how about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" He replies "I'll tell you. The other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees!" The first two men are astounded. "What happened then?" they ask. "She said, "Get out from under that bed you little coward!"

August 11th
Two carpet layers are putting down a new carpet in the lounge of a very classy rich woman. When it is all laid and the men are about to leave, one of them realises he can't find his lunch box. He looks everywhere and then his friend spots a lump under the carpet. "Darn it," he says, "we'll have to lift the carpet again so that I can get it back." He goes to pull the carpet away from the wall when his friend says, "Wait, I have a better idea." He takes his hammer and pounds the lump flat. Just then, the woman, looking very worried, comes into the room and asks, "Has anyone seen my toy poodle?"

August 12th
My thanks to my daughter Leah for this ingenuity test. Four correct answers means you are suitable to be a professional.

How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?

Open the door and push him in. Simple when you think about it.

How do you get an elephant into a fridge?

Open the door and push him in! Did you answer correctly? Excellent!

The Lion King is having a meeting of all the animals. Which animal is missing?

The elephant of course - he's in the fridge remember!

You want to swim across a river which is notorious for its fearsome crocodiles. There is no bridge or boat. Swimming is the only option. How do you cross safely?

Just swim - the crocodiles are all at the meeting!

August 13th
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign beside it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

August 14th
It was a Monday night and John was at home watching television when his wife came into the room and asked, "If I died would you get married again?" John thought for a second then said "Yes I suppose I would." Then she asked "Would you have her as your golfing partner?" John replied "Yes I probably would do that too." "But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?" she cried. John stared at her for a moment, then said, "No, she's left handed!

August 15th
For those of you who really hate solicitors!

A man phones a firm of solicitors, Jones and Smith and says, "I want to speak to Mr Smith." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but Mr Smith died last week." The next day the same man phones again and says, "I want to speak to Mr Smith." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but Mr Smith died last week." The next day he calls again saying, "I want to speak to Mr Smith." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've told you that Mr Smith died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The man replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

August 16th
A woman was trying to make her husband go to church with her, but every time he refused. One day he asked her if she really believed the story in the Bible about the whale swallowing Jonah, and she said, "I believe it because the Bible says it's true." She told him that when she got to Heaven she would ask Jonah about it. Her husband said, "What if he isn't in Heaven?" His wife replied, "In that case, you ask him!"

August 17th
A tourist climbed out of his car in London. He said to a man standing on the footpath, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this shop?" "What?" retorted the man loftily. "Do you realize that I am a Member of Parliament?" "No," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

August 18th
During a bad flood everyone had reached safety except for one man. He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet. A boat came to him but the deeply religious man shouted, "No! Go away! The Lord will save me!" And so the boat went away. A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb but the man said, "It's okay! The Lord will save me!" So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and another boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go away! The Lord will save me!" And so the boat sped off. The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned. At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. He said, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did the Lord not rescue me?" St. Peter replied, "For crying out loud! He sent you two boats and a helicopter - what more did you expect?!!"

August 19th
A husband and wife entered the dentist's surgery. The husband said, "I want a tooth taken out. I don't want gas or local anaesthetic because I'm in a hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The husband turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

August 20th
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

August 21st
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again." "Your Worship," the criminal replied, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen!"

August 22nd
A blonde crashed her car so she called the police. A policeman turned up and said, "What happened?" The blonde replied, "I was driving down the road when a tree popped up so I swerved to the right, then another popped up so I swerved to the left, then another so I swerved to the right then......" The policeman stopped her, took another look in the car and said, "That wasn't a tree, that was your air freshener!"

August 23rd
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the man replied. "Excellent," said the boss. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandfather's funeral, he telephoned to speak to you!"

August 24th
A young man from the city went to the country to visit his uncle who ran a small farm. At first he was fascinated by the animals on the farm but after three days, however, he started to get bored. Then the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you borrow my shotgun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This cheered the nephew up, and off he set with the three excited dogs. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "Well, how did the shooting go?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Have you any more dogs?"

August 25th

Some "WHYs" to ponder!

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?
Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is what doctors do called "practice?"
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

August 26th
Boy: Mummy, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mummy: Your Daddy gave you good advice, you should always be thoughtful and kind to ladies.

Boy: But Mummy, I was sitting on Daddy's knee!

August 27th
My thanks to Dr. Trevor Anderson for this very unbiblical but amusing piece:-

On the sixth day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years." The cow objected, "What? With this kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.

Next, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years." The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.

Finally, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. For this kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span." The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live for only 20 years? No way! Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, the dog gave you back 10 years, the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That would make my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.

AND THAT'S WHY....

In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

August 28th
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of another doctor on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth person for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

August 29th
Following on from 25th August, here are some more points to ponder!

1. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

2. Would it be reasonable to say that Atheism is a non-prophet organisation?

3. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole aeroplane made out of that stuff?

4. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

5. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

August 30th
A church minister was opening his letters one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word - "IDIOT". The next Sunday he announced, "Many people write letters and forget to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write the letter!"

August 31st
A man went into a toy shop to buy a birthday present for his daughter. He asked the shop assistant, "How much are those Barbie dolls in the window?" She replied, "Well, we have Wash and Wear Barbie for £14.95, Bedtime Barbie for £14.95, Flying Butterfly Barbie for £14.95, Nutcracker Princess Barbie for £14.95, Pilot Barbie for £14.95, and Divorced Barbie for £125.99." The man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie £125.99 when all the others are only £14.95?" "That's obvious," the sales assistant said. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture!"