1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
December 1st
In a prison, the governor was appalled by the poor standard of English used by the inmates. His solution was to engage the services of a teacher from the local grammar school, who set up remedial English classes. At the first lesson, the teacher explained that she was going to start with the basics. "Does anyone know what always comes after a sentence?" she asked. All the prisoners answered together, "The appeal!"
December 2nd
Some professionals who will never die:
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old bankers never die; they just lose their balance.
Old headmasters never die, they just lose their principles.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old speakers never die, they just go on and on and on and on....
December 3rd
A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness in a trial, a respectable elderly woman. He asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know me?" She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Jackson. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment! You lie, you cheat on your wife, you talk about people behind their backs. Yes, I know you all right!" The barrister was taken aback, but recovered quickly and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know the defence barrister?" "Why, yes I do. I've also known Mr. Murphy since he was a youngster. And he, too, has been a real disappointment. He's lazy, stupid, and he drinks too much. Yes, I know him!" At this point, the judge called both barristers to the bench. Quietly, he said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll put you both in contempt of court!
December 4th
My thanks to Annette Linton for the following truisms:
2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
3. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. He who hesitates is probably right.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake!
December 5th
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Clever boss + clever employee = profit
Clever boss + stupid employee = production
Stupid boss + clever employee = promotion
Stupid boss + stupid employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATHEMATICS
A man will pay £5 for a £2 item he really needs.
A woman will pay £5 for a £2 item that she doesn't need at all!
LIFE EXPECTANCY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die!
December 6th
With Christmas nearly upon us, some of you may find the following guide to burning off calories useful:
Number of Calories and Type of Exercise
45 Passing the buck
789 Throwing your weight around
50 Swallowing your pride
50 Hitting the nail on the head
56 Pulling strings
300 Running around in circles
75 Pulling out the stops
75 Bending over backwards
67 Putting your shoulder to the wheel
100 Dragging your heels
100 Jumping to conclusions
150 Adding fuel to the fire
200 Jumping on the bandwagon
225 Eating humble pie
250 Pushing your luck
300 Wading through paperwork
500 Making mountains out of molehills
750 Climbing the ladder of success
December 7th
A little boy found a dead squirrel in front of his house, and for hours he cried over it. His father seized this moment to teach his son about the mysteries of life and death. That evening, his mother came to talk to him in his room. "Well, what did you learn from your talk with Daddy today?" she asked. The boy answered, "I learned that when you die, you turn into a squirrel."
December 8th
Here are a few gender differences you may be un aware of.......
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!
To be happy with a man, you must understand him lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
December 9th
With thanks to Annette Linton for these ditties:
1. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
2. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
3. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
4. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
5. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
December 10th
And also for these:
1. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
2. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
3. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
4. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
5. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
6. Everybody repeat after me, "We are all individuals."
7. Don't be sexist; birds hate that!
December 11th
A few pet thoughts:
Dog: "I wish they would stop putting the lid down on the big water bowl in the bathroom."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Super! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW it's mine!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! I haven't seen anyone do that before!"
December 12th
A language teacher was explaining to her class that French nouns are either masculine or feminine. One student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't sure, so divided the class into two groups, one of men and one of women and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. The group of women concluded that computers are male because:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the
problem.
3. As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men decided that computers are female because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending too much on accessories for it!
December 13th
Did you hear about the blonde who took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept? The one who got an AM radio and didn't realise it could be used after midday? Well, she got a job in a chemist's shop and had to be told to stop trying to put the bottle into the typewriter. One of her friends asked her why she had TGIF on her shoes. "Toe goes in first," she replied.
December 14th
CHILDREN! You spend the first 2 years of their lives teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut-up. You can child-proof our home and they still get in. They seldom misquote you - in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Mothers of teenagers know why some animals eat their young. Grandchildren, however, are God's reward for not killing your children. Here's some advice: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two tablets"
and "Keep away from children!"
December 15th
Words of Wisdom : Part 1
7. It's not hard to meet expenses. . they're everywhere.
8. When you get on in years you spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... you go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what you're here after!
9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
10. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
11. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame!
December 16th
Words of Wisdom : Part 2
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
3. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the tyre.
4. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
5. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
6. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees!
December 17th
Words of Wisdom : Part 3
12. Birds of a feather flock together and then bomb your car.
13. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
14. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
15. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
16. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open!
December 18th
Thanks to Annette Linton for the following actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
MORE TOMORROW!
December 19th
Further "squawks" continued from yesterday:
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
December 20th
What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?
Jungle bells.
But what about his chimp?
King Kong merrily on high!
What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
I'm going out tonight !
Did you know that Father Christmas once lost his underpants on Christmas Eve?
That's how he got the name Saint Knickerless!
Man: I want some silk handkerchiefs for my wife.
Assistant: Certainly, sir. What size of nose does she have?
What goes 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Thump!'?
Father Christmas laughing his head off!
December 21st
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !
How long does it take to burn a candle down ?
About a wick !
What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !
Why does Santa never take his sleigh for a service?
He can't get it up the church steps!
What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly!
December 22nd
Some years ago when Santa returned from his sleigh driving test, his wife Mary (Mary Christmas!) asked, "Well, did you pass? "See for yourself," replied Santa as he proudly pointed at the sleigh, "Noel plates!"
When Santa's sleigh broke a runner on Christmas Eve, he flagged down a passing motorist and asked, "Can you help me fix my sledge?"
"Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist."
"Well, can you give me a toe then?"
Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys?
Because they soot him!
December 23rd
Woman: "Have you something for my husband? He has flat feet."
Assistant: "How about a foot pump?"
Man: "I'd like a magician's set for my son as a Christmas present."
Assistant: "Is he a beginner?"
Man: "No! He's been practising the sawing-people-in-half trick for years."
Assistant: "Is he an only child?"
Man: "No, he has several half-brothers and sisters!"
Woman: "Excuse me, I'd like a kitten for my little girl."
Assistant: "Sorry, madam, we don't do swaps!"
Woman: "Well, have you got any kittens going cheap?"
Assistant: "Certainly not! They all go miaow!"
December 24th
Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around?
By icicle!
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?
Frost bite!
How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
Don't feed it!
Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
The smallest ones!
Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!
What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!
December 25th
Some Christmas Cracker Corn!
Where does Tarzan get his loin cloths?
From a jungle sale!
She stood on the bridge at midnight
Her lips were all aquiver
She gave a cough, her leg fell off
And floated down the river!
What do vampire doctors say?
Necks please!
Which bear is white and smells of peppermint?
A polo bear!
Waiter, this soup tastes funny!
Then why aren't you laughing then?
Why did the farmer call his horse "Blacksmith"?
Because he kept making a bolt for the door!
Sorry about these, folks, but a very happy Christmas to you all!
December 26th
Some Christmas Pantomime Jokes:
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ?
Because the poor didn't have any!
Who in Treasure Island has a parrot that cries "Pieces of four, Pieces of four?"
Short John Silver !
Why shouldn't anyone let Cinderella play on their hockey team?
She keeps running away from the ball!
What do you call the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny?
Little Red Robbing Hood!
December 27th
In the days of Communist Russia there was a party official whose name was Rudolph. He was in his house on Christmas Eve with his wife when he looked out of the window and said to his wife, "Look dear, it's raining!" She, being the obstinate type, responded, "I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he said to his wife, "Let's step outside and we'll find out." When they went outside they discovered it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turned to his wife and said, "I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
December 28th
Q. What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
A. Neither! Candles always burn shorter!
What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?
Have an ice day!
What does an Angel say when he meets another one?
"Halo there!"
December 29th
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A merry Christmas to ewe!
What happened when the snowwoman fell out with the snowman?
She gave him the cold shoulder!
What's an "ig"?
An Eskimo's home without a loo!
December 30th
Marriage - before and after:-
Whenever a man opens the door of a car for his wife, it is fair to assume that the car is new or the wife is new. As has been said in the past by someone or other, "Before a man gets married, he lies awake in bed all night thinking about what his partner said. After they are married, he falls asleep before she has finished saying it!"
December 31st
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mother. On receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
