In some rocks we find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity.
Mare Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.
Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
Water is melted steam.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body. Those who catch soars get leprosy.
A cuckoo does not lay its own eggs.
To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out and put the cork in, quick.
The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity and the abominable cavity.
Most books say the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into the sun in the daytime.
The cause of dew is through the earth revolving on its own axis and perspiring freely.
Hot lather comes from volcanoes, when it cools it turns into rocks.
The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.
Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.
A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
UPDATE 4th MAY 2001:
The following are excerpts from papers written by children in a Catholic primary school (incorrect spelling has been left in):-
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony
I am most grateful to
Dr. John D. Smith of the Faculty of Oriental Studies, Cambridge who has kindly allowed me to publish some howlers collected by his father, Eric Smith, who was an English master at High Pavement Grammar School in Nottingham. For many years he also served as an examiner with the University of Cambridge Local Examinations Syndicate, which is responsible for the exams sat by tens of thousands of 16- and 18-year-olds, not just in the U.K. but worldwide. Though he marked both British and Overseas scripts, he came to focus most on the latter, and his expertise took him out to West Africa as Chief Examiner on several occasions as part of the process of establishing proper examining procedures and standards there. After his death in 1987 a small grey-green notebook came into the possession of his son, John. In it, his father had been in the habit of noting down "howlers" or amusing turns of phrase from scripts he marked. Many of these come from overseas candidates, hence the interesting turns of phrase used! John Smith transcribed these and the edited version appears below.
Caribbean - 1964:
Shirley is a pink-coloured skin girl, a strong-going church member, & my closet friend.
Pandemonium not only reigned, it poured.
Big flies were hoovering all round the room.
He had a special cabaret built in his room to house all his 200 models.
They were God's phropets & epistles.
"The primary aim of education should be to equip a man to earn his own living. This is so important that it should be repeated. The primary aim of education should be to equip a man to earn his own living. Indeed, it cannot be said too often that the primary aim of education should be to equip a man to earn his own living."
(From a character study of a friend): He was noble, kind, sympathetic, calm, thoughtful, modest, spiritual, honest, brave, loving, straightforward, energetic, sensible, humorous, lively, dexterous, handsome, dignified, punctual, determined, reliable.
Caribbean - 1965:
The tweety birds relax on twigs to chirp.
From West Africa; School Certificate - 1965:
All walks and no play makes Jack a doll boy.
I was unexpectedly delivered of a Vono bed I had won in a riffle.
The government should try to be lending out eggs from agricultural hens.
Some of the patients were plastered, & some were hanging from the ceiling.
Pails & bowels were flung all over the plaice.
Lateron the doctor gave him piles to relief him his pain.
Swollen dead bodies were taken to the doctor for cross-examination.
Both his legs were cut off, & both his hands, & most of his brains were hanging through the side of his head; & he was lying on his bed -- crying.
In table-tennising a white ball, inform of an egg, is kicked between the two players.
Table-tennising is controlled by an Empirer. The two parsons toss the tennis ball to each other, & stroke it when they are chanced.
All dances have no use of force, no sweat every steps in the dance systematic.
It was time for us to dismiss, as we have resumed soon.
A health mind is that which has an exercise body.
She had vital stastics -- I did like them.
A footballing team has eleven players on each of the two sides; there is gall-kipper, 2 backmen, 3 half back-men, a left out & a left in, a centre forward-man, a right in & right out. These five centre forwardmen pass the balls to themselves.
A Nigerian examiner's comment: "A good essay, full of minor gross errors."
From the Award, 1966:
These peace-loving animals start their life as small, furry balls, & they grow up and with any luck will find a mate, & have small, furry balls themselves.
I think that men & boys prefer science fiction to women & girls, as they have strong desires to explore & delve into the unknown.
My aunt has been unduly disturbed of late, having two small children through the utter carelessness of the local dustman.
Death is one thing that does not affect people till several days later.
The dream in every newly-wed couple's head is to marry.
The octopus wrapped his testicles round the diver & strangled him.
Sharks were infesting the area, & one of them was a non-swimmer.
Walking along the country lane, with my feet in the stirrups.
The airoplain took a deep breath, caughed twice, & hearled itself along the runway.
He was a man of about 35 years of age, looked twenty and was forty.
I was exported for thieving.
About this time of my life I hope to be about 25 years old, & I expect my parents to have grown old at the same rate.
People were carrying on in the quiet way to which they had been accustomed since time immoral.
As he walked through the room he heard the sound of heavy breeding.
"O" level - 1967:
I was given a blanket and some coffee, but I could not drink them.
We were trapped in a blazing car, but luckily enough a river was passing by.
Some of these boys dress to look very feminate, but underneath it they are as masculine as the next man.
"O" level - 1968:
Many protesters have tried Gandhi's method of non-active activity.
I glanced at the grandfather clock in my waistcoat pocket.
They lent him money so that he could do drinking & thus relieve himself.
I was nervous, but at last I gathered up my guts & spoke to him.
Upstairs, on the front of the house, is the bathroom. This comprises of one bath, sink unit & toilet with enough room to tuck one's toes in.
Clowns tie their trousers with string which, when it is pulled, shows a hair-raising scene.
I took out a book & settled down to read, but soon put it down because I couldn't read.
Television gives me something to do without my having to do anything.
When the amplifiers are turned up full-blast, everybody in the village almost evacuates.
People were running all over the place, the boys in shorts & the girls in hysterics.
She worked herself up into an inarticulate comma.
My nose was stagnant, & my ears weren't in the best of health.
If he is not checked at the right age he will gradually develop into a vandal, & it will not be long before he is a magistrate.
It was about dusky when I aroused from my slumble.
As she went through her wardrobe she found a scorpion in her drawers. She rose quickly.
He didn't walk through the door -- he crawled in; this was a precaution he always took.
The headmaster caned me only on rear occasions.
I am not prepared to sit down & be made a convenience of.
Old people look back on the past, young people look back on the future.
I summed up my ailments to be double pneumonea & a weak heart. I hauled myself to my feet & began to walk again to try & keep warm & to take my mind off my stomach.
A cigarette hung out of the corner of her eye.
One of the advantages of living in Austria is that one can hear the Matterhorn being blown.
"I can't live without you" she burst out in his arms. Clear drops -- the jewels of her starry eyes -- flowed down & soaked his shirt. He felt them, & they pierced his heart -- to leave a deep cut.
Was I to be abandoned sine die in such ternicious envirolment? With this intimating thought I doozed off.
My wife has the baby, & you will never see it again; there was no name or signature written on the bottom.
Macbeth actually killed the King; but remember, behind every good man lies a woman.
One of the wonders of modern science is bringing a dead body back to life by artificial insemination.
