February 1st
Unhappy with her eyesight, a young lady went to the optician. Shocked at how bad her eyes were, the optician asked, "Tell me, have your eyes ever been checked?"
After a few moments, the confused woman shook her head and said, "No,.... they've always been brown!"
February 2nd
Two women are travelling to work in the same car. Unfortunately the rear view mirror is missing. The brunette is in the driver's seat and the blonde in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for the police." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any police cars?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
The blonde again replies "Yes."
"Are they close?" asks the brunette.
Again the blonde replies "Yes."
The worried brunette asks, "Are they going to stop us?"
The blondes only response is a confused "I don't know."
The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."
February 3rd
A man tried to sell his neighbour a dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five pounds."
The neighbour said, "Talking-dog? I don't believe you!"
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in the country. I performed before famous people. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He CAN talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five pounds?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies!"
February 4th
Little Johnny's dog was hit by a car, and unfortunately, died. His mum and dad tried their best to console their young son.
They were getting nowhere, but finally his dad said, "He's probably up in Heaven right now with God. He'll be happy there, so you don't have to feel bad anymore."
Little Johnny asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
February 5th
A teacher was asking her pupils about their families. To one 5-year-old girl she asked, "And what does your Dad do Kylie?"
"Whatever my Mummy tells him to."
Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."
February 6th
Some intriguing thoughts:
If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes'?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why isn't 11 pronounced 'onety one'?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in our galaxy you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you have to touch it to be sure?
If Western mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If olive oil comes from olives, and corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
February 7th
My thanks to Billy Armstrong for this:
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way. Who said blondes can't fly! After she climbed to 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry because she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
February 8th
Things To Ponder
1. Why do they call it a television set, when you only get one?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4.Where did the man who wrote the first dictionary find the words?
5. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
6. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
February 9th
And these:
7. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
8. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
9. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
10. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
11. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
12. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
February 10th
And finally these:
13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
14. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the
batteries are dead?
15. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
16. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
17. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
February 11th
Some Truisms from Annette Linton:
1. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
2. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
3. The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness
of the bread.
4. The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.
5. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
6. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
7. A fool and his money are soon partying!
February 12th
And some more:
8. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
9. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
11. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
12. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
13. Half the people you know are below average.
14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good!
February 13th
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, you can go to the canteen for something to eat. Just don't trouble the other employees."
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals deny all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you gentlemen ate the cleaner?" One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You IDIOT! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!"
February 14th
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack them all, you're leaving!"
February 15th
A lady's washing machine stopped working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the machine, leave the bill on the kitchen table, and I'll post you a cheque. 'By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!'
When the repairman arrived at her house the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the parrot drove him crazy the whole time with his incessant shouting, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and screamed, 'Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
February 16th
One for the feminists?
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware shop or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get and unreliable.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them!
February 17th
Johnston goes to see his factory supervisor. "Mr Smith," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving stuff and taking rubbish to the dump.Could I ask for a day's holiday?"
"We're short-handed, Tom," the supervisor replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, Mr Smith," says Johnston "I knew I could count on you!"
February 18th
During a health education class the teacher was lecturing on the dangers that cola drinks presented to teeth. He suggested a simple experiment to show how corrosive these drinks were. "I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail," he said. The blonde sitting in the front row raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, "Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?"
February 19th
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a Bible, signed by the priest, at the door to his shop.
Later that day, policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts with a "thank-you" card from the policeman at the door to his shop.
That afternoon, a lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.
February 20th
Cowisms
Socialism -- If you have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbour.
Communism -- If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government; and the government gives you some milk.
Fascism -- If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.
Nazism -- If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.
Capitalism -- If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.
Anarchism -- If you have 2 cows, your neighbour on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your neighbour at the back takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.
Bureaucratic Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Dictatorship -- You have two cows. The government takes both and puts you in the army.
Bureaucracy (European Union style) -- You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Surrealism -- You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
February 21st
WACKY DEFINITIONS - Part 1:
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who loves to be me-deep in conversation.
February 22nd
WACKY DEFINITIONS - Part 2:
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
February 23rd
Witticisms:
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!
Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
A good pun is its own reword.
Put on your seatbelt...I want to try something!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
February 24th
Points to ponder:
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
There is no need to procrastinate, put it off!
February 25th
Some Newspaper Clippings:
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Spot remover poured on dog. Now he's gone.
Man who smoked pot chokes on handle.
Dyslexics of the world untie.
Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
Jones Car Repairs: If we can't repair your brakes, we'll make your horn louder!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
February 26th
What the car ad. really means:
- Rough condition... too bad to lie about
- Parts car... beyond repair
- Immaculate... recently washed
- Needs minor overhaul... needs engine
- Needs major overhaul... only fit for the scrapyard
- Stored 20 years... (in a farmer's field)
- Burns no oil... (it all leaks out)
- Rebuilt engine... cleaned the spark plugs
- Drive it away... I live on a hill
- Drive it anywhere... (within 10 miles)
- Desirable classic... no one wants it
- Rare classic... no one wanted it even when it was new.
February 27th
A farmer's horse died, so he contacted a horse breedere who was advertising one at the knockdown price of £100, so it was agreed that the farmer would send in his money, and the breeder would have the horse sent to the farmer.
Sadly, when the lorry arrived a week later, the horse had died. The farmer called the breeder and told him the news.
The breeder said, "That's terrible. What'll we do?"
The farmer said, "Well, you can send me another horse."
The breeder said, "Well, I don't have any more now."
The farmer said, "Well, you can send me my money back."
The breeder said," That'll be hard, cause I have already spent it."
So the farmer said, "That's OK, I'll just raffle off the horse."
The breeder says, "You can't raffle off a dead horse."
Farmer says, "Don't worry, I'll handle it."
A couple of weeks passed, and the breeder was wondering what happened. He called the farmer to ask him how the raffle went, and the farmer said, "Well, it went OK. I sold 500 tickets at £2.00 each."
Stunned, the breeder says, "My goodness, I'll bet people were mad when they discovered the horse was dead!"
Said the farmer, "Well, only the bloke who won, so I gave him his £2.00 back!"
February 28th
Kitchen Slogans:
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the rubbish and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. A balanced diet is a bun in each hand.
5. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
6. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
