January 2002





January 1st
By an anonymous lady:

'Tis the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing will fit me, not even a blouse.
The biscuits I nibbled, the port that I'd taste
At the holiday parties have gone to my waist.
I remember the marvellous meals I prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the chocolates, the crackers and cheese
And the way I would say, "I'll have some more, please."
As I dress myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepare once again to do battle with dirt
I say to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every sweetie and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a biscuit, not even a lick.
All I will chew on is a long celery stick.
I won't have ice cream, or plum pud, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonely, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

January 2nd
A true story:

In a courtroom, a purse snatcher was on trial and the victim was describing what happened. She said, "Yes, that is him. I saw him as clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant burst out, "You couldn't have seen my face, - I was wearing a mask!"

January 3rd
How to Wash a Cat:

Always choose a hot sunny day.
Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the water in the toilet.
Catch the cat and stroke him while you carry him towards the toilet.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he can't escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws may be reaching out with claws extended!
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse". Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket screeching out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself in the sunshine.

January 4th
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, placed his hands on his two revolvers, and said, "I do... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is almost dead!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was lying on the ground ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water, and soon he was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to cool him down." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe!" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy strutted into the bar and asked, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood again, and says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy said, "Nothing, but you left your Injun running!"

January 5th
A cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever had an accident?"

"Nope, never did."

"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"

"Well, a rattlesnake bit me one time."

"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Nope! The varmint bit me on purpose!"

January 6th
A choir was approached by the widow of a man in their church who had just died. The widow asked them to sing three of her husband's favourite songs at the funeral: "The Old Rugged Cross", "Amazing Grace", and "Jingle Bells." The choir leader had misgivings about singing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, but when the widow insisted that her husband loved the song, he agreed to sing it, but told her that they would be singing it "slowly and with respect."

At the funeral service, the choir sang all three songs, including "Jingle Bells," slowly and mournfully. Afterwards, the widow thanked the choir for singing, and added: "Oh, I remember the name of the song my husband liked so much. It wasn't "Jingle Bells" at all; it was "When They Ring Those Golden Bells."

January 7th
An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a guest house, broke her leg. After the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Three months later, the doctor took off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the old lady.
"Yes that should be OK," he replied.
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of climbing up and down the drainpipe!"

January 8th
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were returning home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the graveyard. "Look here," said Paddy, "it's Pat O'Hare's grave, God rest his soul. He lived to be 92."
"That's nothing," said Sean, "here's Mary McNeill, it says here that she was 97 when she died."
Suddenly, Seamus yelled out, "Forget her, here's a bloke that got to be 138 years old!"
"What was his name?" asked Sean. "Miles To Dublin," answered Seamus!

January 9th
A young man wanted to go into a nightclub, but the evil-looking bouncer says, "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here without a tie." The man goes back to his car and looks everywhere but can't find a tie. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jump leads, wraps them around his neck, ties a knot, and goes back to the nightclub. The bouncer takes a long look at him and then says, "Well, I suppose you can come in, just don't start anything - OK?"

January 10th
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into an Irish hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

January 11th
A father had just given his irresposable teenage son a lecture on his wild behaviour. "Do you know what happens," he concluded, "when you break one of the Ten Commandments?" "Yes Dad," the young chap replied calmly, "You have nine left!"

January 12th
Two elderly ladies were discussing their husbands over tea. Said one of them,
"I do wish that my Johnny would stop biting his nails. It's a disgusting habit."
"My Jack used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I soon stopped that."
"How did you manage that?"
"I hid his teeth!"

January 13th
A little boy crawled into his Grandfather's lap. "Granda," he said, "were you on Noah's Ark?"
"No, of course not," the old man replied.
"Then how come you weren't drowned?"

January 14th
Michael got off the lift on the 15th floor of a block of flats and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was more beautiful and charming than he had hoped for.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Rover while you're waiting?" He does great tricks. He shakes hands, sits up, rolls over, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through it."
The dog followed Michael onto the balcony and the two started to play. Michel made a hoop with his arms and Rover jumped through -- over the balcony railing and fell to his death down into the street. Just then the young lady reappeared.
"Isn't Rover the cleverest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To be honest, " he replied, "I think he was very depressed!"

January 15th
Cats do what they want, when they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they're not happy.
When you want to play they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They can drive you mad.

When you think about it, they're like small women in cheap fur coats!

January 16th
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would cause her to lose twelve pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost twelve pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for his wonderful advice. The doctor said he would like to see her again that very morning. The blonde replied "No that won't be possible, - I'm now 300 miles away!"

January 17th
On a transatlantic flight the passengers hear a loud explosion coming from the area of one of the wings. The captain's voice comes on the intercom and says calmly, "We have lost one of our engines, but we can fly just fine without it. Please remain calm, there's nothing to worry about." A few minutes later, another loud explosion is heard coming from the other side of the plane, followed by another. At that moment, it becomes quite obvious that the plane is losing altitude. Once again, the pilot's voice comes over the intercom. Calmly he announces, "Well, we're certainly having a bad day today, but once again, please remain calm. The situation is completely under control." This seems to reassure the passengers a bit. However, a moment later three men emerge from the cockpit and begin putting parachutes on their backs and handing them out to the air hostesses. One of the passengers shouts, "You said everything was under control! Why are you putting on parachutes?!?' The pilot replies, "Everything is alright. We're just going for help!"

January 18th
Points to ponder:

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Half the people you know are below average.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

January 19th
And some more!

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

January 20th
Some culinary definitions:

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal invented in Scotland. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat!

January 21st
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

A young man met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes. He liked her so much that he phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

January 22nd
WWW's advice to married men:

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

January 23rd
Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a blender.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Exactly where you left him!

January 24th
An Agriculture student's guide to common computing terms - Part 1:

EXPANSION SLOT : An extra hole in your belt for when you eat too much.
BACKUP DISC : A spare frisbee.
HARD DRIVE : Getting home on a wet day with a flat tyre.
MAINFRAME : What holds up the barn roof.
MICROSOFT WORD : A whisper.
ZIP DRIVE : Going really fast in a sports car.
MEMORY CARD : Used to cheat in exams.
FLOPPY DISK : A soggy pizza.
DOWNTIME : period of depression after the exams.
ROM : Good to mix with Coca Cola.
RAM : Lamb's daddy/what you do to a car that's going too slow.
BROWSER : A man reading PLAYBOY in the newsagent's.
SERVER : A girl in a restaurant who brings your food.
CACHE What you really need when your credit cards max out.

January 25th
An Agriculture student's guide to common computing terms - Part 2:

NEWSGROUP : Women gossiping.
HOMEPAGE : Place in the newspaper with houses for sale.
VERSION : What you dislike as in "I have a version to broccoli."
ICON : Boasting as in "icon lift you with one arm".
VECTOR : Winner of the fight or race.
OVERWRITE : What makes your cheques bounce.
UNZIP : Open your trousers.
PROGRAMMER : Person with the TV remote.
DOS : Opposite of don'ts.
MOUSE : Furry thing you can stuff in your beer bottle to get a free case.
SPAM : Meat for special occasions.
PORT : fancy wine.
INSTALL : Where you keep a horse.
CURSOR : Someone who's done badly in the exams.


January 26th
An Agriculture student's guide to common computing terms - Part 3:

RELOAD : fill the fridge with 6 packs and crisps.
FREEZE : Releases from captivity.
DISKETTE : Female disco dancer.
BYTE : What those midges do in the summer.
MAC : The student's favourite food.
KEYBOARD : Where you hang your keys at night.
LOG ON : Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF : Takin the wood off the pile.
DOWNLOAD : Gettin the firewood off the trailer.
CODE : When you have a runny nose and cough.
VIRUS : Same as a code but worse.
LAN : The grass in front of a house. (Note: LAN means "Local Area Network")
CRASH : When your car hits a tree.
SUPPORT : Drink fancy wine slowly.

January 27th
Two tourists were driving through Northern Ireland. As they were approaching Newtownards, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They were still arguing when they they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrr Kiiiiiing." (Editor's note: The town is pronounced Newt-in-ARDS)

January 28th
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

January 29th
On the subject of languages:

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...
A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...
A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
British.

January 30th
Two German tourists went to Honolulu on holiday. On the plane they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." The husband insisted that it was "Hawaii", with a "w" sound. The wife said it was pronounced "Havaii," with a "v" sound. On arrival, they approached an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it was "Havaii." The wife said "See - I told you!" and thanked the old man who replied "you're velcome!"

January 31st
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said,"Did God throw him back down then?"

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