JULY 2001





July 1st

Q. How do you communicate with a fish?
A. You drop him a line.

Q. Why was the man who was sacked from the orange juice factory?
A. He couldn't concentrate!

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. Why do cows in Switzerland wear bells?
A. Because their horns don't work.

Q. What goes "ooo, oooo, oooo?"
A. A cow with no lips.

July 2nd
A policeman pulls over a man for driving dangerously. He tells him to blow into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"OK then, just walk along this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk!"

July 3rd
Q. Why do firemen wear red braces?
A. To hold up their trousers of course!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. To get to the other slide.

Q. Why did the chicken only cross the road halfway?
A. It wanted to lay it on the line.

July 4th
And for American Independence Day:- A little boy from a poor family in America badly wanted \\$100 to buy a second-hand bicycle but his parents couldn't afford to give him the money. His dad suggested that he pray for the money but the boy decided it would be better to write to God and ask for the money. He didn't know what address to put on the envelope so he just wrote "God" on it and posted it. In the sorting office no-one knew where to send the letter but someone suggested sending it to second best - President George W. Bush. When George got the letter, he was very touched but felt that $100 was too much to send to a lttle boy and decided that $5 was a more appropriate sum. When the boy received it, he was very disappointed and sent another letter addressed to God. Again, the letter was sent on to President Bush who opened it and read,

Dear God, Thank you for the money which arrived today. Unfortunately it went through the White House and those jerks kept $95 of it!.

July 5th
Q. Where did the sheep go to get sheared?
A. The baa-baa shop.

Q. What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A. The No-bell Prize.

Q. What do butchers fear most?
A. Backing into a meat cutter and getting a little behind in their work.

Q. Why does an Indian wear feathers on his head?
A. To keep his wig-wam.

July 6th
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

July 7th
A man came rushing into the house and exclaimed to his wife, "I've found a wonderful job! The salary is good. It offers paid holidays and free medical insurance! " "That's wonderful, darling," his wife said. "I knew you'd be pleased," the husband said. "You start tomorrow!"

July 8th
Q. Did you hear about the blonde who went outdoors with her purse open?
A. She expected some change in the weather!

Q. What noise did the grape make when the elephant sat on it?
A. Nothing. It just let out a little wine!

Q. How did the investigating detective know that the man eaten by sharks had dandruff?
A. He found his head and shoulders on the beach!

Q. What does an educated owl say?
A. "To wit to whom!"

July 9th
A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of fighting. "How are we faring?" his king asks. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."

July 10th
For the first time in many years, an old man travelled from his farm to the big city to go to the cinema. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the shop to buy some popcorn. Handing the assistant £1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the cinema, popcorn was only 15 pence." "Well, sir," the assistant replied with a smile, "You're really going to have a great time. We have sound now!"

July 11th
Q. How about the man who ran through a screen door?
A. He strained himself.

Q. What flowers are found between your nose and your chin?
A. Two lips!

Q. Why is the hot dog the noblest dog of all?
A. Because it feeds the hand that bites it.

Q. How do you know that ice cream men only work one day a week?
A. Because they are sundae drivers!

July 12th
An elderly woman was playing bridge with her girlfriends one afternoon. She suddenly noticed that it was five o'clock, time that she was home to make her husband's dinner! She rushed home, but didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket. All she had in the cupboard was an egg, a lettuce leaf, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the tin of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband arrived. To her surprise, her husband really enjoyed his dinner. "This is the best dinner you've ever given me! You can make this for me any time!" he said. So from then on, every bridge afternoon, the woman made her husband the same dinner. She told her bridge friends about it, and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, the woman's husband died. The next week the wife was playing bridge when one of her friends said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him harm! How can you just sit there play bridge, knowing that you murdered him?" Angrily the widow replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the wall while he was licking his bottom!"

July 13th
How do you catch a squirrel?
Just act like a nut!

Did you hear about the man who drowned in his breakfast cereal?
He was eating muesli when a strong currant dragged him under!

What does a blonde say when she sees a banana skin on the footpath?
"Oh, no, I'm going to fall again!"

July 14th
A man had an artificial eye made from wood, but because he felt self-conscious about it he didn't mix with women and remained unmarried. One day his friends got him to go to a dance, but he got there he just sat in the corner. When his friends saw a shy fat woman in another corner, they suggested to the man that he ask her to dance. The man with the wooden eye said, "What if she says something about my wooden eye?" His friends said, "Don't worry she won't." So the man walked up to the fat woman and asked her, "Would you like to dance?" Excitedly she gasped, "Would I?" "Fat cow!" he screamed.

July 15th
At a job interview, the psychologist on the panel asked a young blonde applicant, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde thought for a minute, then replied, "The living one!"

July 16th
Doctor! Doctor! My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Let's hope nothing develops.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

Would you like to hear the pencil that needed to be sharpened?
No, I won't tell you, it's pointless!

July 17th
A blonde walks into a boutique. She picks out a scarf and pays for it. When she gets home, she tries it on and then takes it straight back to the shop. The sales assistant asks why she's returning the scarf. "Because it's too tight!" she replies.

July 18th
Nurse: How is the girl who swallowed the 50 pence coin? Doctor: No change yet!

Why can't a pony talk? Because it's a little horse!

July 19th
There were five blondes and one brunette climbing a mountain when they all fell and were left hanging on a rope. The rope started to fray so the group leader screamed that one person would have to volunteer to let go before it broke. The brunette gave a touching story of how she would release her grip and sacrifice her life so that the rest of them would live. The blondes were so impressed by this noble speech that they all broke into a round of applause!

July 20th
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?
Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall?
Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in a hole?
Phil.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pot?
Stu!

July 21st
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a postbox?
Bill.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs buried in the garden?
Pete.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the sea?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a car?
Jack!

My apologies to humour lovers who haven't seen this site upgraded during the past week - as I was on holiday in Wales I didn't have much opportunity to get Internet access, though perhaps it is a case of (as it used to say on my school reports) "could try harder!" Incidentally, Wales is a great place to go on holiday - there is so much to do there, the scenery is spectacular and the people are very friendly - IGNORE ANNE ROBINSON'S OPINION OF THE WELSH!" Even the weather was great most of the fortnight. We were staying in superb self catering accommodation "Castell Howell" - converted farm buildings and an excellent leisure centre nine miles from Cardigan Bay. I really recommend it. The website is at http://www.holiday-in-wales.com - have a look!

July 22nd
A mother is reading an animal book to her daughter: Pointing to the picture, she asks "What does the cow say?" The daughter replies, "Moo!" "That's right!" the proud mum says. "What does the cat say?" "Meow!" she replies. "Oh, you're so clever! And what does the frog say?" The little three-year-old looks up at her mother, screws up her face, and replies "Budweiser!"

July 23rd
Some definitions:

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

EGOTIST: Someone who is always me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of today's greatest labour saving devices.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

July 24th
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the brush. The little boy said, "Mummy, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy asked, "Are you sure He's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and He is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and opened it a little. Peering out, he called, "Jesus? If you're here would you please hand me the brush?"

July 25th
An old man was at home, dying in bed. He noticed the delightful smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. He really fancied one last cookie before he died. He got out of bed, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking. With difficulty he made it to the table but as he grabbed a warm chocolate chip cookie, his wife suddenly smacked his hand with a spatula. "Why did you do that?" he whispered. "They're for the funeral!" she replied angrily.

July 26th
After a night out, a university student was proudly showing off his new flat to friends. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of them asked. "That is the speaking clock", the young man replied. "How does it work?" the friend asked. "Watch", he said, and then gave the gong a pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "Be quiet you idiot! It's after midnight!"

July 27th
In the heart of rural Ireland, Sean's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out. As there was no electricity, the doctor handed him a paraffin lantern and said: "Here, you hold this so that I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a little baby boy was brought into the world. Hold on Sean said the doctor. "Don't be rushing to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a little girl. "Keep holding the lantern, lad there's a third one coming!" cried the doctor. A very worried Sean asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

July 28th
A blonde calls British Airways and asks, "Hello, can you tell me how long it will take to fly from London to Glasgow?" The agent replies, "Just a minute.. " "Oh that's really fast - thank you!" says the blonde and hangs up.

July 29th
A sales representative calls at a small factory in mid Wales. He offers a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thank you boyo," says the manager. "I tried smoking once and I didn't like it." The rep. shows his catalogue and then offers to take the manager out for for a beer. "No, thanks boyo," the manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it." Then the salesman glances out of the window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club." "No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, John," says the manager. "Let me guess," the salesman replies. "You are an only child?"

July 30th
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
tame way, unique up on it!

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: Whack, Dang!
A bad skydiver goes: Dang! Whack.

July 31st
What's the difference between an artist and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

How do you get an artist off your doorstep?
Pay him for the pizza!