JUNE 2001





June 1st
A butcher notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." In the dog's mouth there is a five pound note. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. The dog stands and waits at a bus stop. Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher follows him onto the bus. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself against the door again. There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big man opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the man. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius! Says the man, "Genius nothing! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

June 2nd
A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him... "BUMP... BUMP... BUMP..." The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him ....... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him, however, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything ... all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin... and the coffin stops!

June 3rd
Mother and son cannibal were sitting by a fire. "Mum, look, Dad has a wart" says the son "So eat around it" the mother replies.

My thanks to Ivan Wall in Stockport for:-

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Hey! This tastes funny!"

When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.

June 4th
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were very large mammals, their throats were very small. The little girl said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher said again that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I'll ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven?" The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him!"

June 5th
Two Irish blokes, Pat and Mick were on the roof, laying tiles, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Pat. "You jump down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there!"

June 6th
A dumb blonde calls the fire station and says, "Help me - my house is on fire!!" The fireman says, "Where do you live?" The dumb blonde replies, "I don't know" The fireman asks, "How do you expect us to get there?" The dumb blonde replies, "In your big red lorry of course, you idiot!"

June 7th
A blind man was describing his favourite sport - parachuting. When asked how he managed it, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the doorway and am told when to jump. My hand is placed on my ripcord, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" was the next question. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's lead goes slack!"

June 8th
A woman came up behind her husband while he was having his breakfast and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your trousers pocket with the name 'Janice' written on it," she said, furiously. "You'd better be able to explain it!" "Calm down, love," the man replied. "Do you remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on." The next morning, his wife crept up behind him and hit him with the rolling pin. "What was that for?" he shouted. "Your dog phoned last night!"

June 9th
Two men were sitting in a pub chatting.in a pub. One man said, ''Did you know that beer contains female hormones?'' The other man said, ''Nonsense! I don't believe it! Prove it!" ''No problem.'' said the first man. ''If you drink too much, you start talking rubbish and your driving is awful!''

How do you fix a broken tuba?

Tuba glue!

June 10th
A little boy was in church with him mother when he suddenly felt sick. "Mummy, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "Run outside as fast as you can and go behind the bushes. You can throw up there and nobody will see you." Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mother. He looked very relieved indeed.. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, son?" "I didn't have to go that far, mummy - just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.''

June 11th
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were very mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behaviour. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town was good at disciplining children, so they went to see him. The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The eight-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy didn't answer, so the clergyman repeated the question even more sternly, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that, the boy jumped up and ran out of the room. His older brother was waiting outside. "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

June 12th
A blonde was short of money, so she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a boy, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.'' She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your son. Tomorrow morning, put £100 in a paper bag and put it under the oak tree next to the slide in the playground. Signed, A blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the boy's shirt and sent him home to show it to his mother. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the oak tree. She opened the bag and found the £100 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''

June 13th
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two slices of bread.

Mary had a little lamb,
It walked into a pylon,
10,000 volts went through its body,
And turned its wool to nylon.

June 14th

The Warning Signs of Insanity: Part 1

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

You have meaningful conversations with the microwave.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

You like cats - especially with mayonnaise.

You look for hairs growing on your palms.

June 15th

The Warning Signs of Insanity: Part 2

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the autumn and only your attachment to the microwave keeps you from joining them.

Your best friend is invisible to everyone but you.

You like to read lists like this.

You try to make a list of the warning signs of insanity!

June 16th
A man rushed into the doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" Said the doctor, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient!"

Thought for the day:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!

June 17th
Thought for the day:

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you!

My thanks to Dr. Cathy Armstrong for the following:-

What do you call a deer with no eyes? - No eyed 'eer!

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eyed 'eer!

June 18th
A robber went to the bank and pointed a gun at the cashier. "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" he shouted. The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY, don't you?" The robber snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"

June 19th
The following strange answers allegedly came from the type of quiz show where contestants have to guess hidden answers to simple questions:

Q: Name a dangerous race
A: The Arabs

Q: Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers
A: A horse

Q: Name something that floats in the bath
A: Water

Q: Something you wear on the beach
A: A deck chair

Q: Name something red
A: My cardigan

Q: Name a famous cowboy
A: Buck Rogers

Q: A number you have to memorize
A: 7

Q: Something you do before going to bed
A: Sleep

June 20th
A young blonde lady, in obvious pain, went to the doctor. She told him she had fallen down the stairs. "Missed the step, did you?" asked the doctor sympathetically. "Oh no, doctor", she replied, "I hit lots of them!"

The doctor's next patient said, "Doctor, I swallowed a thermometer when I was taking my temperature - what's going to happen?" "I'm terribly sorry", said the doctor, "you'll die by degrees!"

June 21st
A man went to the vet with his magnificent St. Bernard dog. "I want you to cut off the dog's tail!", he said to the vet. "But why would I do something so terrible, his tail is lovely!" replied the vet. "It's simple", he said, "my mother-in-law is coming to stay at the weekend and I don't want the dog to give the impression that she's welcome!

June 22nd
A young graduate is stuck for a job so he gets a temporary job a supermarket. On his first day at work, the manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a brush and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the floor." "But I'm a university graduate!" the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "here, give me the brush, I'll show you how!"

June 23rd
While swimming in the sea an atheist encounters a shark swimming straight towards him. When he sees the jaws of the shark open, revealing its enormous teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you don't believe in me?" "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "Of course." and the light retracts back into Heaven and the man can feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him. All of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked and relieved, the man looks at the shark as the huge fish closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "For what I am about to receive......"

June 24th
NASA planned a mission that involved three astronauts spending two years in space. Because of the extended duration, each was allowed to take 200 pounds of baggage, with no restrictions. The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books and tapes to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause. Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd and asked, "Anyone got a light?"

June 25th
Two blondes were on opposite sides of a very fast flowing river. One cups her hands and shouts over to the other blonde, "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde shouts back, "You are on the other side!"

June 26th
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Well, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we got stuck in the snow and you had to knock on that man's door to get us a push? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the man was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yes please." As he can't see the other man he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on swing!"

June 27th
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read "Disneyland Left". Disappointed, they turned and went home.

How did the blonde die raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree!

June 28th
Thought for the day:

Children get colds.

Men get flu.

Women get on with it!

(Contributed by Dr. Noeleen Moran - but having had a cold for the past 5 days I don't agree with her!)

June 29th
Q. What do they call French fries in France?
A. Home fries.

Q. Why can't you play cards in the jungle?
A. Because there's too many cheetas!

Q. How do you keep a dog quiet?
A. Feed him hushpuppies.

Q. What is so special about picnics on the beach?
A. You can have sandwichs with real sand!

June 30th
Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other man says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first man responds, "Well, it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years!"