JUNE 2002





June 1st
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.

All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.'

Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?

Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?'

'No,' replied the policeman, 'but these days nothing would surprise me!

June 2nd
A young blonde lady had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment.

The blonde replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"

June 3rd
Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm really glad I don't have that problem, touch wood." She didn't just touch it - she rapped her knuckles enthusiastically on the table and then said, "There's someone at the door, I'll get it!"

June 4th
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, he said I was hostile.

If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.

If I was on time, I was a compulsive neurotic!"

June 5th
A blonde was watching TV, when the door bell rang. She opened the door to find a young man on the doorstep with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What can I do for you?" she asked. "Are you selling something?"

"No, I'm not. I'm a Census Enumerator."

"A what?"

"A Census Enumerator. We're trying to find out how many people live in the country."

"You're wasting your time here. I've got no idea!"

June 6th
What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pit bull terrier?



"A dog that rips your arm off and then runs for help!"

June 7th
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the living room the family discusses funeral arrangements.

Son John says, "Let's make a really big thing out of it. We'll order ten Rolls Royces to carry our closest relatives."

Daughter Mary says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have one Rolls for the family only."

Son Darren says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies."

Daughter Anne says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, coming weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my trousers? I'll walk to the cemetery!"

June 8th
How to ANNOY a POLICEMAN (if you DARE!)

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol!"

2. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to 70.

3. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the bonnet.

4. Trip and fall into him.

5. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

6. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

7. Try to sell him your car.

8. Ask if you can buy his car.

9. Tell him you like men in uniform.

10. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

June 9th
Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power cut."
"A power... A power cut? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"

June 10th
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture is taken from the side."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture taken from the side!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect probably wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"

June 11th
Some points to ponder - part 1:

Buy a microwave fireplace... spend an entire evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Does reading whilst sunbathing make you well-red?

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

June 12th
Some points to ponder - part 2:

Is manufacturing contact lenses harder than meets the eye?

Can you be fired from an orange juice factory for lack of concentration?

For a REAL sponge cake, you must BORROW all the ingredients.

At auctions you get something for nodding.

And of course you will have to stay to the bidder end.

The doctor who treats anorexics says, "My patient is wearing thin."

If cats could read would they paws after each claws?

June 13th
The following is taken from a newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that petrol had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the petrol, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day.....

June 14th
Another (supposedly) true story:

A man buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and had a little over $400 in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride.

They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two bright boys go to the lake with their guns, the dog, beer and, of course, the new Jeep. They drive out on to the ice. They want to create a natural landing area to attract ducks- something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks and a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...

So, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40- second fuse. Now, to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with something less than a great idea of THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the beer, the guns, AND THE DOG????? Yes, the dog. The driver's black Labrador Retriever (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice- all to the woe of the two idiots who are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the heck to do now...The dog is happy and now heads back towards the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust as the loyal Lab approaches. Finally, one of the guys decides to think- something that neither had done before this moment. He grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duckshot and hardly effective enough to stop a Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot and this time the dog - still standing- became REALLY confused and of course scared.

The dog takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth thirty thousand dollars, the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice. BOOM!

Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Universe" are left standing there with the well known "Uh-oh" look on their faces. When the owner of the vehicle called his insurance company he was informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy... the best part is that he had yet to make his first car payment.

June 15th
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new man.

"John," the new man replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new man sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

(long pause)

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

June 16th
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook!"

June 17th
TRAINING COURSES ARE NOW AVAILABLE FOR WOMEN IN THE FOLLOWING:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier : Where no Woman has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
5. Introduction to Parking.
6. Advanced Parking: Backing into Space.
7. Cooking: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
8. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.

June 18th
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

June 19th
Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

June 20th
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your office, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack. When he/she arrives, you can turn around, reach for the correct stack, go in at the right depth and extract the document. It will appear that you have an amazing memory and have things really organised.

June 21st
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

June 22nd
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at £2000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is!

I joined a health club last year, spent about £400 Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up! I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain works out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercise is that you die healthier.

June 22nd
UNCLE JOHN & HIS HEN HOUSE

Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time. So, my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. He could then sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells.

My uncle's favourite was Brewster Rooster. A very fine specimen he was,but his bell had not rung all morning, so Uncle John went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, with bells ringing. Well, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair, and he was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the "No Bell Prize", but also the "Pullet Surprise!"

June 23rd
From Annette Linton

Did you hear the one about a petite clairvoyant escaping police custody?

The police are looking for a small medium at large!

From Eamonn McFarland

Why did Sherlock Holmes have his front door painted yellow?

It's a lemon entry my dear Watson!

June 24th
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman in the street and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "Oh my, I wish I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

June 25th
A blonde got a job in an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yes, It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two white, two black, and two decaffeinated."

June 26th
A married couple were asleep when a burglar entered into their house. The burglar put a knife to the woman's neck and said, "I like to know people's names before I kill them, what's your name?" "It's Sue," the woman replied. The burglar said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Sue, so I'm going to let you off." The burglar then turned to the husband and asked, "And what's your name?" "My name's Pete, but my friends call me Sue!"

June 27th
A minister was delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation.

Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood.

Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?"

One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet.

"So, Mr Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?"

"No, sir", the man replied, "I'm just standing for my wife's first husband!"

June 28th
A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

"Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving Mummy."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed the man. "You can take her with you!"

June 29th
A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need but he knew that her friend (also a blonde) next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Mary," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Mary.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

"Mary," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"

"Yes," said Mary. "So did I!"

June 30th
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED.

When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

With this joke, the daily update function of this website ends. However, the site isn't going away, it will continue to exist and gradually develop with time. Please come back!