March 1st
Life After 50 - Part 1
. . . for those of you NOT THERE YET, just you wait!!!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
March 2nd
Life After 50 - Part 2
11. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with the music in the lift.
15. You eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. You joints are more accurate meteorologists than the Met Office..
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
March 3rd
A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went
down. They tried everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant. He
arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt back to life.
Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for £1,000. Immediately he called the consultant and
exclaimed, "One thousand pounds for fixing that computer?! You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemised!"
The next day the new bill arrived. It read, "Tapping computer with hammer: £1.00; Knowing where to tap: £999.00"
March 4th
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets
up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight
attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then
tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to
sit in the back.
The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal
and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes
back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid
for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal
and I'm staying right here."
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen
to reason.
The pilot says: I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have
learned to speak 'blonde'.
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question
she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The
flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal!"
March 5th
One day a young lady came home from a date,
rather sad. She told her Mother - "Mum, Peter
just proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her Mother asked.
"Well, he also told me that he was an atheist.
Mum, he doesn't even believe that hell exists!"
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway darling.
Between the two of us, we'll show him how
wrong he really is!"
March 6th
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, 'I built a big house for our mother.'
The second said, 'I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.'
The third smiled and said, 'Ha, I got you both beat.Remember how mother loved to read the Bible? And you know that she
can't see very well? Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took fourteen years to teach him. Mum just
has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it!'
Soon after that, the mother sent out her letters of thanks:
'Adam,' she wrote to one son, 'The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole
house.'
'John,' she wrote to the second, 'I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!'
'Dearest Gerald,' she wrote to her third son, 'You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was
absolutely delicious...!'
March 7th
True stories featuring some people who are two tomatoes short of a
salad.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After
firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come
out and give yourself up."
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I
said!"
In Modesto, California, a man was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. The man used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Last summer in California, some people, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't
get their brand new 22 footer to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre,
no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they stopped at a nearby marine, thinking
someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, so one of the marina staff jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so much. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
March 8th
Two lorries loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as
they left a London publishers last Thursday, according to The Times.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...
March 9th
Somewhere in the wilds of the USA, a man was caught, by a forest ranger, sitting
at a make-shift campfire, and to the ranger's horror, eating a highly-protected bald eagle. The man was arrested, and the day of
his trial, the conversation went something like this:
JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offence?"
MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
JUDGE: "Proceed."
MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle
swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the
eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone towards the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly
away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and
killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but reckoned that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would
be a shame to let it rot on the ground."
JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while we analyse your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss
the charges."
The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
MAN: "Well your honour, it's hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a
Spotted Owl!"
March 10th
Actual Newspaper Headlines: Part 1
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
March 11th
Actual Newspaper Headlines: Part 2
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
March 12th
Actual Newspaper Headlines: Part 3
Deer Kill 17,000
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
March 13th
First postman : A dog bit me on the leg this morning.
Second postman : Did you put anything on it?
First postman : No, he liked it plain!
Brunette: I got an anonymous letter this morning.
Blonde: Who was it from?
Bargain hunter to sales assistant: Hello. I'm looking for a good buy.
Blonde assistant: Ok. Goodbye!
If the Wright brothers built the first plane to fly, who built the first one that didn't fly?
The Wrong Brothers!
March 14th
A man is suffering from the severe delusion that he is dead. His relatives are so
worried that they pay for him to see a world famous psychiatrist. After many months of expensive treatment, the psychiatrist
manages to get the man to agree that dead men don't bleed. "Now," says the doctor, producing a long needle and sticking it into
the man's finger, "what do you say about that?" as he points at the drop of blood.
"Isn't that amazing." the man replies,
"Dead men do bleed!
March 15th
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and remarked, "Since you've
treated me so well doctor, I'd like you to know that I've mentioned you in my will."
"That's very kind of you," replied the doctor. "May I see that prescription I just gave you?"
"Certainly, but why?" asked the patient.
The doctor replied, "I'd like to make a small change...!"
March 16th
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said
solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "We have a caterer coming to provide plenty of great food for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, that," came the reply. "Don't worry. I also got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey!"
March 17th
A very happy Saint Patrick's Day to my Irish visitors everywhere - especially the new friends I met in Sligo General Hospital last week. Hope you like this joke:
Seamus was taking Paddy for a motorcycle ride on a brisk winter day. After a while, Paddy began to shout ..."Seamus the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" Seamus stopped the bike and said, "Why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind out." So Paddy took the advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike. Off they went, and after a while, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that he wasn't there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and went back up the road. As he came round a bend, he saw a group of farmers standing around Paddy who was lying on the ground. "Is he alright?" screamed Seamus to the farmers. "Well," said one of them, " he was alright when we found him here, but since we turned his head the right way round he hasn't said a word since!"
March 18th
A news item you may have missed:
A ship travelling from Dublin to London with a cargo of blue paint collided today with a ship bound for Dublin with a cargo of red paint. Both ships suffered major damage and the crews are reported to be "marooned".
March 19th
A rather overbearing husband had a furious row with his wife. After a crisp exchange of views he shouted, "Why did God make you so pretty and yet so stupid?" She replied, "Well, He made me pretty so that you would like me, and He made me stupid so that I would like you!"
March 20th
A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg.
"How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.
"Well," says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.
"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Then a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dived into the ditch and pulled me out before I could drown."
"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.
"Oh no," says the farmer.
"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"
March 21st
Some books you may not have read:
Artificial Clothing By: Polly Ester
Danger! By: Luke Outt
Don't Hurt Me! By: I. Bruce Easley
The Fall of a Watermelon By: S. Platt
Falling Trees By: Tim Burr
French Overpopulation By: Francis Crowded
House Construction By: Bill Jerome Holmes
I Don't Get It By: Anita Clew
Why You Need Insurance By: Justin Case
Old Furniture By: Anne Teak
Nearly late By: Justin Thyme
March 22nd
A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own wife?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
March 23rd
Three people are on a boat on the ocean. They have a packet of cigarettes and want to smoke, but they have no matches or lighter or magnifying glass or even two sticks they could rub together. But they still manage to smoke. How do they do it?
They open the packet of cigarettes, throw one cigarette overboard, and that makes the boat a cigarette lighter!
March 24th
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Q:Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A:The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
March 25th
A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met St. Peter and he asked them "How do you like it so far?"
The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' St. Peter said "Certainly" and he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day St. Peter saw the cat and asked him "How do you like it up here so far?" and the cat replied, "Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!"
March 26th
A holidaymaker e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.
"It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows!"
March 27th
A blonde holding a baby walks into a chemist's shop and asks the sales assistant if she can use the baby scale.
"Sorry, madam," says the assistant. "our baby scale is broken. But we can calculate the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."
"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.
"Why not?" asks the assistant.
"Because I'm not her mother, I'm her aunt!"
March 28th
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.
March 29th
Sam died. So Mary, his wife, went to the local paper to put in a death notice. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Mary what she would like to say about Sam. Mary replied that he should simply put, "Sam died."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Sam died'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Sam. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."
So Mary pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then. Put "Sam died. Boat for sale."
March 30th
Some THOUGHTS to ponder:
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
March 31st
Specially for bagpipophobes:
Q. What do you call a set of bagpipes at the bottom of the sea?
A. A real blessing!
Q. Why do pipers walk when they play?
A. They are trying to get away from the sound!
B. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How can you tell the difference between bagpipe tunes?
A. By their names.
