MAY 2001





May 1st
A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman. She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!" The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I'm on the wrong bus!"

May 2nd
A farmer and his wife, not long married, were visited by her mother, who immediately did an inspection of the place. The old woman kept nagging them, offering advice and making life generally unbearable. In the barn, the horse suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral a few days later, the farmer stood near the coffin and greeted friends and relatives as they walked by. The vicar noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer he would shake his head and mumble a reply. Very curious, the vicar later asked the farmer what that was all about. He replied,"The women would say it was a terrible tragedy, and I would nod my head and say that it was. The men would ask if they might borrow the horse and I would shake my head and say that I was sorry, he was booked solid for the next year!"

May 3rd
Did you know that cannibal restaurants are expensive? They are, - dinner costs an arm and a leg!

An aeroplane flies over two cannibals. The boy asks his father, "Daddy, what is that thing that flew over our heads?" "Well Son" replies the father, "It's just like a banana. You only eat the inside!"

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder!

May 4th
Woman: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.
Woman: I'm the examiner!

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Thanks to Ivan Wall in Stockport:

Did you know today is Jedi Day? No. Then May the Fourth be with you!

May 5th
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine!"
First man (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second man: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
You know, women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer belly, and still think they are beautiful!

May 6th
Paddy O'Neill lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet cat for company. One day the cat died, and Paddy went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my cat is dead. Could you say a mass for the poor creature?" The priest replied, "I'm afraid not; we can't have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the road, and who knows what they believe. Maybe they will do something fer the animal." Paddy said, "I'll go right away Father. Do you think £100 is enough to donate for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Blessed Virgin! Why didn't you tell me the cat was a Catholic?

May 7th
Most people have heard of "déjà vu," a French expression meaning the feeling that what is happening to you now has happened before. Here are some related expressions:
Feel like I've milked this cow before: déjà moo
Seen this strange animal before: déjà gnu
Smelled this bad smell before: déjà phew
Visited this menagerie before: déjà zoo
Scared this person away before: déjà boo
Read this detective novel before: déjà clue
Been in this courtroom before: déjà sue
Felt this bad before: déjà rue
Felt this sad before: déjà blue
Expanded this way before: déjà grew
Seen this slime before: déjà goo
Learned this stuff before: déjà knew
Waited in line before: déjà queue
Eaten this dinner before: déjà stew
Pursued this person before: déjà woo
Forgotten this name before: déjà who
Had this feeling of déjà vu before: déjà too
Seen these twins before: déjà two
Drunk this beer before: déjà brew
Been on this aeroplane before: déjà flew
Fed these pigeons before: déjà coo
Sketched this portrait before: déjà drew
Ended this relationship before: déjà through
Felt this ill before: déjà flu
Sheared this sheep before: déjà ewe
Munched on this type of sweet before: déjà chew
Sat through this sermon before: déjà pew
Played in this wet grass before: déjà dew
Admired this scenery before: déjà ooo

Have you heard all this before?!!!

May 8th
The following joke was told by the minister of my church, Brookeborough Elim Pentecostal Church on Sunday 6th May 2001 - it is so good that I'm wasting no time putting it on the website!

A Baptist Pastor in Texas was baptising people in a river. On a hill above, was a crowd of interested spectators, among them was a drunk man. As each believer came up out of the water, the Pastor would ask, "Can you see Jesus?" Each person would reply "Hallelujah brother, I can!". After he had finished baptising, the Pastor looked up at the crowd on the hill and asked if anyone wanted to be baptised. At that, the crowd started to drift away, but in so doing, the drunk man was accidently pushed, and rolled down the hill, coming to rest at the Pastor's feet. "Hallelujah!" exclaimed the Pastor, "we've got another one!" He grabbed the man, pushed him under the water for a second, lifted him up and asked "Can you see Jesus?" "No!" said the drunk man. The Pastor reacted by pushing him under the water again, this time for five seconds. On pulling the man up again he again asked, "Can you see Jesus?" "No!" said the drunk man again. Exasperated, the Pastor thrust him under the water for thirty seconds. As the drunk emerged, coughing and spluttering, the Pastor asked again, "Can you see Jesus?" The drunk man replied, "Are you sure He is down there?"

May 9th
Doctor, Doctor, I think I've broken my neck!
Don't worry - keep your chin up!

Doctor, doctor. You have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me - I can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

(On a note handed to the doctor) Doctor, my problem is that I can't say the letters "F" or "T"
Well, you can't say fairer than that!

May 10th
A man was still not home well after midnight, and his wife got more and more angry as the time got later and later. Finally, about 3am she heard a noise, it was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to climb the stairs. "Do you know what time it is?" she shouted. He answered, "Don't get cross, I'm late because I bought something for the house!" Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, darling?" "A round of drinks!" he replied.

May 11th
Q. How do you recognize a dogwood tree?
A. By its bark.

Q. What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the railway line?
A. It won't be long now!

Q. What has four wheels and flies?
A. A bin lorry.

Q. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A. Great food, no atmosphere!

May 12th

Advice on buying presents for men - part 1

Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why.
Rule 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. A 50 pence ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" nylon rope. No one knows why.
Rule 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing widescreen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks.
Rule 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why.

May 13th

Advice on buying presents for men - part 2

Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. he will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over.
Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners." Everyone knows why.
Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule 11: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why!


May 14th
A company director opens a new branch and wants international staff. So he hires Fritz, a German, Paddy, an Irishman, and Wu, a Chinese. "Fritz," says the director, "I'm putting you in charge of production, Paddy, you will be in charge of personnel, and Wu, I am putting you in charge of supplies." A couple of weeks later, the director is touring the business and finds Fritz and Paddy together. "Is everything going smoothly?" he asks. "Ja!" says Klaus. "Production has doubled." "Everything is great," says Paddy. "People are getting on really well together." "How is Wu doing in supplies?" asks the director. Neither of them has seen Wu since the first day. The director starts to get worried and looks all through the factory. As he is walking between some large stacks of boxes, suddenly out leaps Wu shouting, "SUPLIZE! SUPLIZE!"

May 15th

For men who are unused to the ways of women, here is a short dictionary of "Womanspeak" - indispensible!

Womanspeak - part 1

We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious to you!
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last £5, and go and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you idiot!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
This kitchen is so small = I want a new house.
The car is empty = Go and fill it up
The car is dirty = Go and wash it
The bin is full = Take it out!

May 16th

Womanspeak - part 2

The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Does my bottom look fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're in trouble!
It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this!

May 17th

Womanspeak - part 3

Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to make, so you'd better get use to it.
Was that the baby ? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling ! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your cheque book?

In response to "What's Wrong?":

Nothing. = Everything.
I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up steam.
What makes you think there is something wrong? = I'm going to kill you!

May 18th
A very drunk man turns up at his house at 6 o'clock in the morning with his hair and clothes dishevelled. His long suffering wife, who has been waiting up all night, shouts at him furiously, "I hope you have a good reason for getting home blind drunk at this time of the morning!" "Yes," replied the man, "I'd like some breakfast!"

May 19th
Some ten-year-olds were asked to write about something unusual that happened in the previous week. One little boy got up and began reading, "Daddy fell down the well last week...". "My goodness," said the teacher. "Is he all right.?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped calling for help yesterday!"

May 20th
A ventriloquist is touring England doing shows in town and village halls. In a small town in Devon, with his dummy on his knee, he is going through his favourite dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the third row stands up on her chair and screams: "Enough of your stupid blond jokes! How dare you stereotype women like that! What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her intelligence? It's people like you who keep women like me from being respected.....and all in the name of humour!" Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize but the blonde shouts again, "You keep out of this, it's nothing to do with you - I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"

May 21st
Man: This food isn't fit for a pig!
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, I'll bring you some that is.

Man: I can't eat this food! Get the manager!
Waitress:It's no use, sir. He can't eat it either.

Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it doesn't shrink.

Customer: I'll have some lamb chops and make them lean!
Waiter: Forwards or backwards, sir?

Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just moved the potato and there it was!

May 22nd
My thanks to Dr. Trevor Anderson for this Scottish pun:

The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies rather solemnly:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies with similar solemnity:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit"

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks "What sort of ward is this - a mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Serious Burns unit!"

May 23rd
A bus halted at a bus stop and a big hulk of a man got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

The driver who was five feet three, thin, and basically meek, didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that.

This really bugged the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass!"

May 24th
A drunk man gets on a bus and stands next to a woman who is sitting with her baby on her knee. The drunk man looks down at the baby and says to the woman, "You know, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The poor woman is so upset that she starts to cry. She cries and cries until finally the bus driver decides he has to do something. He stops the bus and goes over to the woman. "Calm down, please stop crying," says the bus driver, "I'll get you a cup of tea, but please stop crying." He gets off the bus to buy a cup of tea for the crying woman. When he gets back, he says to the woman, "Here you are! Now, please stop crying. Drink this tea, - and I also brought you a banana for your monkey!"

May 25th
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

May 26th
A little boy lost his father in a big shopping centre. After wandering around for a long time looking for him, the increasingly distraught little lad sat down on the ground and started to cry miserably. A security man, seeing his distress, stopped and asked the boy what was wrong. "I've lost my daddy!" wailed the poor little lad. "Oh don't worry", said the security man kindly, "we'll soon find him - what's he like?" "Beer, cigarettes and women!" replied the boy.

May 27th
A Sunday school teacher was talking to her young pupils about how they should behave in church. "Now," she said, "who can tell me why you should be quiet when you are sitting with your parents in church?" One little girl put up her hand. "Yes Jane, tell everyone why!" said the teacher. Replied Jane, "Because people are trying to sleep!"

May 28th
A Russian man living in Moscow decided he would like to buy a car. He phones the factory and asks, "How long do I have to wait for a car if I place my order immediately?" The salesman replies, "Your car will be delivered in five years. Let's see now...that will be the 5th of September." "Will that be in the morning or the afternoon?" inquires the man. "When you've waited five years, what does it matter whether the car arrives in the morning or the afternoon?" questioned the salesman. "Because the plumber is coming in the morning!"

May 29th
A man goes parachuting for the first time. Excited, he jumps out of the aeroplane and pulls the ripcord but nothing happens. He starts to panic, but remembers his reserve parachute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. Overcome with panic now, he looks down and he can't believe what he sees. Another man is in the air with him, but this one is going up! Just as the other man passes him, the parachutist shouts, "Hey, do you know anything about parachuting?" The other man yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

May 30th
A pregnant woman has a car accident and ends up in hospital comatose. When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Well, you've had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks him, "Well, what did he call the girl?" "Denise." "Oh, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew", says the doctor!

May 31st
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were working together on the building of a skyscraper. One day the Englishman opened his lunch box and said, "Salad sandwiches! I'm fed up with these every day! If I get these again I'll kill myself! The Scotsman opened his lunch box and said, "Cheese sandwiches! I'm fed up with these too! If I get them again I'll certainly kill myself! The Irishman then opened his lunch box and shouted, "Chicken sandwiches! I'm sick to the teeth of these every day! If I get them again I'll kill myself too!

Next day, the Englishman opened his lunch box and said, "Salad sandwiches again! Right, that's it!" He stood up and jumped off the building and was killed. Then the Scotsman opened his lunch box and said, "Cheese sandwiches again! Right, watch this!" He too jumped off the building and was killed. Finally the Irishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Not chicken sandwiches again! Right, I've had enough!" He stood up and jumped off the building and was also killed.

The three wives of these men were overcome for grief and went for counselling. The English woman said "If I had known he hated salad sandwiches so much, I would have stopped sending them with him to work." The Scottish woman said "If I had known he hated cheese sandwiches so much, I would certainly have stopped sending them with him." Both women then turned and stared at the Irish woman. "Don't look at me," she shouted, "he always made up his own lunch!"