May 1st
An antelope was grazing peacefully when he suddenly saw a lion getting very close and ready to pounce.
Thinking quickly he noticed some bones on the ground nearby. Immediately he settled down and began chewing the bones, his back to the lion.
Just as the lion was about to leap, the antelope exclaimed loudly, "That was one delicious lion. I wonder if there are any more lions around here?"
Hearing that, the lion halted in his tracks.. He slunk away into the trees thinking, "That was close - I could have ended up as that antelope's dinner!."
Meanwhile, a monkey watching from a nearby tree reckoned he could trade what he saw for protection from the lion, and off he went. However the antelope saw him heading off after the lion and knew the monkey was up to something.
The monkey caught up with the lion and told him his tale. The lion, furious at being made a fool of, said "Here, monkey sit on my back and watch what I do to that antelope."
The antelope saw the lion coming with the monkey on his back, and again thought quickly of a solution. He sat down with his back to the lion and the monkey pretending he hadn't seen them. When they were close enough to hear, he shouted,
"Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to get me another lion and he's still not back!"
May 2nd
Some wisecracks:
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
May 3rd
More wisecracks:
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
What a nice night for an evening.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, No thanks-I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
May 4th
Actual odd signs:
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
May 5th
Although there are women in the armies of many countries, they usually are not put in the front lines.
Their officers don't know if woman can fight or if they are capable of killing the enemy .And yet it should be obvious that they can do both.
You see, all the general has to do is walk over to the women and say,
"You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms!"
May 6th
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
May 7th
My mother taught me.....
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait till your Dad gets home!"
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the shops with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."
6. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
7. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
8. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
9. My Mother taught me HUMOUR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
May 8th
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women!" she shouted.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
May 9th
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARISE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS (PART 1):
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary lorry coming the other way.
A lorry backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.
The man was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
May 10th
INSURANCE STATEMENTS - PART 2:
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
May 11th
One day the neighbour of a blonde went over to her house and saw the blonde crying and asked her what had happened and the blonde said that her mother had died.
The neighbour made her some tea and chatted to her for a while. When the blonde had settled down, the neighbour left.
The next day the neighbour went back over to the house and found the blonde in tears. She asked her why she was crying again.
.
The blonde replied, "I've just been on the phone to my sister, - her mother died too!!!"
May 12th
We are all very used to machines answering us when we dial in to big companies - here's a good example:
Hello, you've reached the psychiatric hotline. Thank you for calling.
If you are obsessive and compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 2, 3, 4, and 5.
If you are paranoid, just stay on the line - we know who you are, and we're on the way!
May 13th
Some error messages you don't want to see on screen!
An error has occurred - could be anything really.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
Error: An unspecified error has occurred. Please correct the error to continue.
Having been erased, the document you were working on must now be retyped.
Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong .
The website you are looking for cannot be located, but doubtless others exist.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Out of memory - it happens to us all eventually.
Illegal error detected - You are not allowed to make this error.
Your computer has performed an illegal operation. The police have been informed.
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have you a pen handy?
Windows has detected that there is no keyboard present. Hit F1 to continue.
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working Windows is like that.
Windows loaded - System in danger.
Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
Fatal system error: Press F13 to continue...
Windows has just crashed. You are looking at the blue screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
May 14th
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new flat."
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
May 15th
Three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty.
On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.
Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.
"Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?"
And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them.
The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice.
"Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps, "Zat was an 'am bush."
May 16th
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks, "Do you have any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it onthe weighing scales. It weighs six pounds.
The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you haveone that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scales now show eight pounds
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"
May 17th
Actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
3. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
6. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
7. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
8. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
9. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
10. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
HANDS.
11. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
May 18th
Points to ponder:
How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?
If you throw a cat outside a moving vehicle, would it be called kitty litter?
Children really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay then it's you.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on!
May 19th
Alternative Definitions Part 1:
Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney - Where some hemlines fall.
Contents - Where con men sleep while on a camping trip.
Counterfeiters - Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Dieting - The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
Eyedropper - A clumsy eye surgeon.
Flying Saucers - The wife is on a rampage.
Girl Scout - A boy that "scouts" for girls.
Good-bye - A bargain.
Hatchet - What a hen does to an egg.
Heroes - What a man in a boat does.
Holy Smoke - A church on fire.
May 20th
Alternative Definitions Part 2:
Illegal - A sick bird.
Mist - How golfers create divots.
Mohair - What bald headed men need.
Moron - Someone that spent all night studying for a blood test.
Paradox - Two physicians.
Parasites - What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.
Relief - What trees do in the spring.
Showoff - The performance has been cancelled.
Selfish - What the owner of a seafood store does.
Weekend - A book with a disappointing last page.
Workout - An outside job.
Writer - One who corrects a wrong.
May 21st
The metric system has been with us for some time now. Some people think it has made little difference to everyday life but look at how some of the great sayings in the English language have changed..........
* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometres.
* Put your best 0.3 of a metre forward.
* Spare the 5.03 metres and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimetres and he'll take 1.6 kilometres.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 litres of pickled peppers.
Not quite the same ring to it, has it?
May 22nd
A young boy came home from school and told his mother,
"I had a big fight with Peter Jones."
"Oh, why was that?" asked his mother.
"He laughed at me and then he called me a sissy!"
"So what did you do?" his mother asked.
"Well, I screamed and screamed and then I pulled his hair and hit him with my handbag!"
May 23rd
My thanks to Billy Armstrong for this:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a makeup compact on the footpath and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this woman looks familiar."
The second blonde says,"Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You idiot, it's me of course!"
May 24th
And also for this:
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find that burglars had ransacked her house. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
A policeman with a dog were dispatched to investigate. As the officer approached the house with his dog on a lead, the blonde ran out onto the porch, shuddered at the sight of the policeman and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home to find everything I own stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
May 25th
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, - what is it?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah-ha! - YOU must be the person who took our phone book!"
May 26th
Where would we be if our computers didn't have spell checkers? But beware - they are not infallible, as this little poem shows:
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please to no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
May 27th
Who Needs a Man?
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.
If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about "Match of the Day", and watches romantic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!
On the other hand...
If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and comes home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy...
Get a CAT!
May 28th
Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of neighbours who were going away for the weekend. On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast," said the eight-year-old.
So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said.
"But I thought you said your mother always has hot pancakes for breakfast!" said Mary in surprise.
"She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them!"
May 29th
A true story:
Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
May 30th
Points to ponder:
Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
You can be totally impartial but is it possible to be totally partial?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If a policeman arrests a mime artist, is he told he has the right to remain silent?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
May 31st
Pointless inventions:
Solar powered flashlight
Helicopter with an ejector seat
Inflatable dart board
A videotape on how to repair a VCR
The waterproof tea bag
Waterproof towel
A book on how to read
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chair
