NOVEMBER 2001





November 1st
A man had been driving all night. He arrived in a small town and decided to stop at the side of the road and have a short sleep in the car. Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. A jogger said, "Excuse me, can you give me the time?" "Yes, it's 6:40." The man then closed his eyes and was almost asleep when there was another knock on the window. Another jogger said, "Sorry to disturb you. Do you have the time?" "Yes. It's 6:55." The man realized this could go on all morning so he made a sign which read: "I DON'T KNOW THE TIME". He stuck the sign on the window and again started to dose off. Then there was another tap on the window. It was a third jogger! Angrily he wound down the window and snapped, "Yes, what is it?" The jogger replied, "It's 7.15!"

November 2nd
A patient went to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Can you help me please, my teeth have become very yellow, - what can you suggest?

Dentist: Well you could wear a brown tie!

November 3rd
The young lady's guide to men:

Men are like Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara. They run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bicycle helmets. They are useful in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like lava lamps. They are nice to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like stiletto heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it!

November 4th
A woman was chatting to her next-door neighbour. "I feel really good today. I did something very generous. I gave a twenty-pound note to a miserable creep." "Twenty pounds? That's an awful lot of money to give away. What did your husband think about that?" "Oh, he thought it was very kind. He said, "Thank you" and put it in his wallet!"

November 5th
A woman took a picture of her late husband to a photographer who specialised in touching up and restoring old photographs. She asked the photographer if he could remove her husband's hat from the picture. He told her that he could do that, but said that he needed to know on which side of his head he parted his hair. "I forget," she said, it's been a long time, but you can see that for yourself when you take the hat off!"

November 6th
Two women were chatting together. "I've finally found a way to get money out of my husband!" Mary told her friend Jean. "Really?" said Jean with great surprise. "Yes," said Mary, "we had a heck of a row last night and I got so mad that I told him that I was going home to live with my mother. And do you know what he did? He gave me money for the bus fare!"

November 7th
Vladimir Putin, George Bush Jnr. and the Rev. Ian Paisley were killed in a plane crash. As they were about to enter Heaven, God met them and told them that they weren't meant to die then, in fact He was going to destroy the world in four days, and that was when they were meant to perish. They were promptly sent back to Earth. In the Russian parliament Mr. Putin stood up and announced "I have bad news and terrible news: There is a God and He is going to destroy us all in four days. Meanwhile, in an address to both houses of American government, Mr. Bush said "I have good news and really bad news: There really is a God and He is going to destroy us all in four days. In Belfast, Mr. Paisley said to his congregation, "I have good news and really good news: We have been right all along, there is a God and there will never be a united Ireland in my lifetime!"

November 8th
Two men are out hunting in the woods when one of them gets pain in his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolling in his head. The other man panics and dials 999 on his mobile phone. He gets through to the ambulance service and gasps to the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm voice says, "Don't panic, just do what I say. First, let's make sure that he's dead." After a moment of silence, the operator hears a shot. The hunter's voice comes back on the line and says, "OK done! What do I do now?"

November 9th
To celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary, a couple went back to their honeymoon hotel. After going to bed the wife said, "Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair fifty years ago?" So the man stroked her hair. She reminded him of the way they had cuddled and so they did. Then she said, "Will you nibble my ear again?" The husband immediately got out of bed and made as if to go out of the room. "But where are you going?" cried the wife. "To get my teeth!" he answered.

November 10th
A marriage counsellor was asking a woman some questions about her personality and behaviour. "Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" she asked kindly. "Oh no not at all," replied the woman, "I just let him sleep on!"

November 11th
A famous philosopher was very friendly with his chauffeur, who was something of an amateur in that field also. The chauffeur would sit at the front of every lecture by his boss and absorbed as much of the talk as he could. One day the chauffeur asked the philosopher if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher thought that that could be rather amusing, and agreed. The lecture by the chauffeur went very well, and his audience didn't suspect the deception at all. At the end, however the chauffeur felt floored by the question, "In this existentialist world of the twenty-first century, is the epistemological view of the universe still regarded as reasonable?" Thinking quickly, he responded "I'm surprised to be asked such a simple question - it is so simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, so over to him!"

November 12th
An elderly priest, speaking to the curate, said, "I know you were trying to attract more people to church when you had armchairs put in to replace the first four rows. It certainly worked. And I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll choir - we have never had so many people attending. But you've gone too far with the 'drive-through confessional." "But Father," the young priest said, "confessions have nearly doubled since that started!" "I know, my son," responded the old man, "but the flashing neon sign saying 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' is just too much!"

November 13th
A blonde goes for a police job interview. The sergeant starts with the basics. "What age are you, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers and says "Ahh .. 25!". "And your height, please?". The young woman stands up and takes a tape measure from her handbag. She traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head and says, "Five foot seven!". The sergeant isn't too impressed but goes for a really basic question. "And just to confirm our records, your name please?" The blonde nods her head from side to side for about thirty seconds, mouthing something silently, and replies "Janet!". The sergeant is intrigued and asks "Just out of curiosity, I can understand your counting on your fingers, and your use of a tape measure, but what were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Oh!" replies the blonde, "That was me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...."

November 14th
A man is surprised to see a parrot in the seat beside him on a flight from London to Belfast. He asks the air hostess for a cup of tea and the parrot says, "And I'll have a coffee, you cow!" The surprised hostess brings coffee to the parrot and forgets the tea. The parrot drinks the coffee and screams "Get me another coffee you fat idiot!" The hostess comes back with another coffee, looking very angry but still with no tea. The man is now very annoyed about the missing tea so he tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for tea! Get it now thickhead!" Soon two air stewards turn up, grab the parrot and the man and throw them out of the emergency exit. As they rapidly descend earthwards, the parrot squawks, "For someone who can't fly, you've certainly got guts!"

November 15th
A man goes into a cinema with his dog. They settle down to watch a romantic comedy and the dog laughs at the funny bits and cries at all the sad bits. At the end of the film, a woman sitting in the next row taps the man on the shoulder and says, "I've been watching your dog laughing and crying in all the right places, that's really amazing!" "Yes, I'm surprised too," the man replies, "He hated the book!"

November 16th
This joke is dedicated to the Level One Agriculture students at Queen's University Belfast. Thank you for visiting my site folks!

A country sportsman took his son shooting. However, there were "No Trespassing" signs everywhere. The man left his son in the car and went to the farm house to ask the farmer if they could hunt in his fields. He assured the farmer that no damage would be done, and the farmer said that he could shoot there if the hunter would do him a favour. "My horse is old, and in a lot of pain. I can't bring myself to shoot him. Would you do it for me?" The hunter agreed, and as he was walking back to his car, he decided to play a joke on his son. His son asked, "Well, will he let us shoot?" The man pretended to be angry, and said "No! You know what these farmers are like - downright stubborn!. It makes me mad, I'll show him - just watch!" He picked up his gun and shot the farmers horse. To his surprise, he heard two more shots behind him. He turned around and his son said, "I got his dog and cow as well! Let's get out of here!"

November 17th
During a rugby match, a woman in the stand kept shouting, "KILL THE REFEREE, KILL THE REFEREE!" Eventually the man beside her became so irritated that he said, "Why do you keep shouting "KILL THE REFEREE?" It's not the referee's fault. People like you give rugby a bad name!" The woman replied, "That referee is my husband. Last night he came home late with lipstick on his collar. KILL THE REFEREE, KILL THE REFEREE....!!"

November 18th
A group of 4-year-old children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was asking them all questions in turn about animal noises.

"Michael, what sound does a sheep make?"
"It goes baaa."

"Peter, what does a cow say?"
"It says moo."

"Mary, what sort of sound does a cat make?"
"It says meow."

"And Alice, what sound does a mouse make?" Alice thought for a few seconds and replied, "It goes click!"

November 19th
A woman had just placed some flowers on her mother's grave. She was on her way back to her car when her attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man was weeping profusely and pulling at his hair while repeating, Why did you have to die?"Why did you have to die? The woman approached him and said, "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen such an expression of sorrow here. Is it a parent that you are grieving for? The mourner took a moment to compose himself, then replied, "No.. it is my wife's first husband!"

November 20th
A farmer was towing a load of manure along the motorway at high speed. He was pulled in by a police motor-cyclist. "You were exceeding the speed limit," the policeman said. "I'm going to have to bring a prosecution against you." "Whatever you say," the farmer said as he watched the policeman being circled by several large flies. "These flies are terrible," the policeman complained, "what do you call them anyway? "Oh," the farmer said, "those are circle flies." "Why are they called circle flies?" asked the policeman. "Because they only circle a cow's tail," answered the farmer, "they be very fussy about where they circle, those circle flies be." "Would you be calling me a cow's backside?" the policeman angrily asked. "No, I wouldn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool the flies!"

November 21st
A blonde was trying to sell her old car, but couldn't because the car had over 200,000 miles on the clock. She told her problem to a friend at work. Her friend told her, "Well, you could get the clock altered but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car." "All right," said her friend, "here is the address of a mechanic friend of mine. Tell him I sent you and he will sort it out. Then you will have no problem selling your car." The next day, the blonde visited the mechanic who "fixed" the car. A week later, the blonde was asked by her friend, "Did you sell the car?" "Oh no," she replied, "I didn't need to - it only had 40,000 miles on it!"

November 22nd
A motorist passing an orchard was intrigued to see a farmer there with a herd of pigs around him. The farmer was feeding a pig by holding it up to a tree, so that it could bite off an apple. Then, he would put the pig down and raise another one. The motorist stopped and shouted to the farmer, "Why don't you just shake the tree and let the apples fall on the ground?" "Why should I?" asked the farmer. "Well, it would save a lot of time for a start." replied the motorist. "Yes," the farmer said, "but what does a pig care about saving time?"

November 23rd
Some words of wisdom:

1. Wisdom may come with age, but sadly you can't count on it.
2.. When you fall down, make good use of the opportunity - find something useful to do when you are down there.
3. Time may be a great healer, but as a beautician it is a miserable failure.
4. When you get on in years, give health food a miss - you need all the preservatives you can get.
5. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
6. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine!

November 24th
During a fraud trial, the prosecuting barrister was grilling a witness. "Isn't it a fact," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand pounds to compromise this case?" The witness just stared up at the ceiling as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it a fact that you accepted five thousand pounds to compromise this case?" the barrister repeated. The witness still didn't reply. The judge then addressed the witness. "Please answer the question!" he said loftily. "I'm terribly sorry," the surprised witness said, "I thought he was talking to you!"

November 25th
An elderly man with poor hearing came home looking very pleased with himself. "What are you smiling about?" asked his wife. "I got myself this super new hearing aid - it works great - much better than the old one." How much was it?" his wife asked. "£200," he replied, "you may think that was expensive but my hearing is so good now that it was well worth it." "Yes, it is a bit on the dear side.... what kind is it?" she asked. "Five-thirty!" he replied.

November 26th
Two ladies were talking about a doctor at their local private health clinic. Said one lady, "He's a great doctor you know, he said he'd have me on my feet within two weeks." Her friend said, "Really? And did he?" "He certainly did! I had to sell my car to pay his bill!"

(I think that was the same private health clinic where two surgeons were chatting over coffee one day and the first surgeon asked, "Have you ever made a serious mistake in treating a patient?" "Only once," replied the second surgeon. "Very serious?" "I'll say it was, I charged a man £1500 for an operation and later found out he could have paid £3000!")

November 27th
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was driving his Mercedes when he saw a man eating grass by the road side. He stopped and got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"All right, come along with me then," said the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"That's OK, they can come too!" replied the lawyer.

They got into the car. On the way to pick up the man's family, he said, "Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, you'll really have a good time at my house, the grass in the back garden is nearly a foot tall!"

November 28th
A man went to the doctor complaining about a green structure growing out of his ear. The doctor examined it and said that incredibly, it looked like a leaf. He took part of it off and sent it away for examination in the laboratory. A few days later the man returned. "Well doctor," he said, "did you get the result back from the lab?" "Yes, replied the doctor, "it was indeed a leaf, in fact it is part of a lettuce!" "A lettuce?" said the man "That's amazing - is it serious?" "I hope not," replied the doctor, but there is a possibility that it's just the tip of the iceberg!" (Just in case you don't know, "Iceberg" is a variety of crispy lettuce.)

November 29th
1. He who hesitates is probably right.

2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

3. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. When I'm feeling down, I just whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and hang himself!

November 30th
What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?
"Oh look - doughnut seeds!

There was a blonde who was so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind, and at the bottom of an application form where is said "Sign here", she wrote "Virgo". When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved house. It is obvious that if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless!

Attention all fans of the Christmas season! Tomorrow is the 1st December! There is a super program for the computer called "Advent" which used to to be shareware but is now totally free of charge. It is basically an Advent calendar which plays a different Christmas carol every day from the first till the 25th of December. With each tune it displays a Biblical verse relevant to the Christmas Story. My son and I both had some input into the production by providing MIDI music (such as the "Hallelujah Chorus on Christmas Day) as well as Bible verses in the French and German languages.

Download by going to http://systems.powerjam.com and clicking on the word "Advent" under free/unsupported programs.