OCTOBER 2001






October 1st
Why shouldn't you upset a cannibal?
You might get into hot water!

How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give him a hand!

What happened at the cannibal's wedding reception?
They toasted the bride and groom!

What do cannibal secretaries do with leftover fingernails?
They file them!

What do you call a cannibal who ate his father's sister?
An aunt-eater!

October 2nd
A policeman in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the main street. "But, constable," said the man, "I can explain everything!" "Explain nothing," said the policeman. "I am going to put you in a cell till the sergeant gets back." "But I just wanted to say..." "Be quiet! No excuses, you are under arrest!" Two hours later the constable looked in on his prisoner and said, "It is lucky for you that the sergeant is at his daughter's wedding. He will be in good form when he gets back." "I wouldn't be so sure of that," answered the man. "I'm the groom!"

October 3rd
The British secret service, MI5, advertised for new recruits. Three men responded and went for an interview accompanied by their wives. After an initial chat, they were taken one at a time into another room where they were told, "One of the requirements for joining MI5 is that you have to show you will obey orders, even when they are very hard. Take this gun, go in the other room and shoot your wife!" The rather startled first applicant replied, "I can't do that, we're not long married!" He was promptly told there would be no job for him. The second applicant was then taken into the room and given the same proposal, to which he answered, "Sorry, I can't do that. We are happily married with two children!" He was also rejected. The third applicant's response to the challenge said, "OK, I will do it!" He marched into the other room. First came the sound of shots and then loud screams, kicking and thumping. When all was silent the man returned to the room where he was asked what had happened. He replied, "Someone put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her!"

October 4th
As a man was walking past a table in a hotel he noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was doing very well indeed. "That is a very smart dog," the man said to the players. "He's not that smart," replied one of them, "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail!"

October 5th
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. The Devil says "Welcome Mr Gates, we've been waiting a long time for you! You will stay here for all eternity. You've been over-wealthy and your software has caused anguish to millions. However, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places where you can stay." Satan takes Bill to a huge blast furnace where millions of poor souls are being tormented. He then shows him an enormous dungeon where thousands of people are being bitten by millions of ugly rats. Finally, he takes Bill to a cellar containing bottles of the world's finest wines. To Bill's delight, he sees a computer in the corner. Instantly, Bill says "I'll take this one." "OK," says Satan, allowing Bill into the room. Satan locks the room and as he turns around, he bumps into the chief demon. "That was Bill Gates!" cried the demon. "Why did you give him a nice place like that?" "It's not what you think," replied Satan with a cunning smile. "there is no corkscrew and the wine bottles are unbreakable." "What about the computer?" asked the demon. "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan, "and three keys are missing!" "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete!"

Note: In case you don't know, this combination is used to escape from a computer crash - fairly common in Windows!

October 6th
An elderly man and his wife were watching television when the old man took a fancy for ice cream. "I'm going to the kitchen for some ice cream. Do you want some, too?" he asked. "Yes but you'd better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget." replied his wife. "I will not!" was the reply. "Just tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that as well!" "All right," said the wife, "I'll have some strawberry sauce. But I'm sure you'll forget!" After a long time, he returned carrying a plate of scrambled egg. "There, I told you you'd forget!" scolded the wife. "What did I forget?" demanded her husband. Said the old lady crossly, "You forgot my sausages!"

October 7th
A man in the County Antrim area of Northern Ireland won £100,000 in the National Lottery. After some thought, he bought a small farm and decided he would raise chickens. He bought two hundred of them. Two weeks later, he returned to the stockist and bought another two hundred. Two weeks later he was back for another two hundred. On his fourth visit, the stockist asked the farmer why he kept coming back for so many chickens. The farmer said, "The chickens aren't breeding. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together!" The stockist thought he would have some fun, so he suggested that the farmer seek advice from the Agriculture faculty at Queen's University Belfast. The farmer thought this was a great idea so he wrote a long letter explaining his problem. Promptly the reply came back, saying , "We would be delighted to help - please send us a soil sample!"

October 8th
As a man was working at his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter crept up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, screaming to her two sisters, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? they asked excitedly. She replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

October 9th
Glossary of Computer Terms

Obsolete - Your present computer.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.
Keyboard - A device used for generating computer errors.
Mouse - Device with similar function to keyboard but lacking the sophistication.
Floppy - How your wallet looks after you buy a computer.
Disk Crash - An event occurring when you have a deadline to meet.
Megabytes - What you do to your nails when you are in the disk crash situation.
Bits - What your computer becomes when you throw it out of the window in frustration.
System Update - A quick method of making your computer crash!

October 10th
A teacher asked her pupils, "Can people predict the future with cards?" One boy said, "My mother can!" The teacher replied, "Really?" The young boy explained, "Yes, she just looks at my report card and tells me what will happen when Daddy gets home!"

October 11th
A prison governor interviewed a woman to find out why she thought that her husband should be released from the prison. "He has been here lots of times," the governor said, "what was he in for this time?" "Stealing a loaf of bread," replied the woman, nervously."Is he a good husband?" "No," she replied, "he beats me when he gets drunk, and he bullies our children." "It sounds as though you're better off without him," said the governor, "why do you want him out?" "Well," she said, "we need the bread!"

October 12th
Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"

Little Johnny: "I is..."

Teacher: "No, Johnny, you always say 'I am.'"

Little Johnny: "Fine. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

October 13th
A man walked into a bar with his crocodile and asked the barman, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "We do indeed," replied the barman. "Good," said the man. "A pint of Guinness for me, and I'll have a lawyer for my crocodile!"

October 14th
A young medical student was in the middle of his final examinations. Part of this involved taking a medical history from an elderly man. "Tell me," asked the young chap, "do you suffer with arthritis?" "Of course!" snarled the old man. "What the else can I do with it?"

(topical joke) Did you hear about the dyslexic General in the American Army?

He got his men to surround a department store when he read in a newspaper ad. that bed linen could be found on the third floor!

October 15th
Why do blondes get fifteen-minute coffee breaks?
Because if they got twenty they would have to be retrained.

Why did the blonde take 17 friends to the cinema?
Because the sign said "Under 18 not admitted."

Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it!

A blonde was in a pub and her mobile phone rang. She picked it up and with great surprise said, "Hello, ... how did you know I was here?"

October 16th
A very drunk driver was weaving from side to side on the motorway when he was pulled in by a police patrol. When the policeman opened the driver's door, the drunk man fell out onto the hard shoulder. "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police constable. "Thank Goodness for that!" said the drunk man, "I thought the steering had gone!"

October 17th
The Concise Pocket Medical Dictionary - part 1

Artery
The study of paintings.

Bacteria
Back door of a cafeteria.

Barium
What doctors do when a patient dies.

Bowel
A letter like a, e, i, o, or u.

Caesarean Section
A district of Ancient Rome

Cat Scan
Searching for a lost kitty.

Cauterize
Had eye contact with her.

Colic
A sheep dog. Coma
A punctuation mark.

Dilate
To live long

October 18th
The Concise Pocket Medical Dictionary - part 2

Enema
Not a friend

Fester
Quicker

Fibula
A small lie

Hangnail
Coat hook.

Labour Pain
Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff
A doctor's walking stick.

Morbid
A higher offer.

Nitrates
Cheaper than day rates.

Node
Was aware of.

Outpatient
A hospital inmate who has fainted.

Post Operative
Letter carrier

October 19th
The Concise Pocket Medical Dictionary - part 3

Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery

Rectum
Nearly killed him.

Secretion
The hiding of something.

Seizure
Roman emperor.

Tablet
Small table.

Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport.

Ultrasound
Very good music.

Urine
Opposite of "you're out".

Varicose
Near by.

Vein
Conceited.

October 20th
A blonde went to see her doctor in great distress. "My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor, what do you think is wrong? After a careful examination, the doctor smiled sweetly at her and said, "You really need to diet, you know!" Said the blonde with relief, "Really? What colour?"

October 21st
There was a monastery high up on a cliff and the only way to reach it was in a basket which the monks pulled up to the top. One visitor got exceedingly anxious on this very hazardous journey. Half way up he noticed that the rope pulling the basket looked rather frayed. Nervously, he asked the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope. After a few moments, the monk answered with a mischievous smile, "Whenever it breaks!"

October 22nd
Two horses were walking back to their stable after a day of very hard training. One horse said to the other, "Why are we so slow? We train and train every day and yet we come last in every race!" A dog who was running beside them suddenly said, "I know why! I've seen you racing and it looks to me as if you run too fast at first and get tired, then the other horses overtake you. You should pace yourselves and when all the other horses are tired, if you put in a spurt you're sure to win. Good thinking, eh?" The horses looked at each another and one said, "Whatever next, a talking dog!"

October 23rd
A selection of back-window stickers:-

The best things in life are free plus tax.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like plums.

Lead me not into temptation..I can find the way myself.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

October 24th
A businessman on his deathbed had a visit from his best friend. He said,"Tom, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have me cremated." "Yes, OK, and what do you want me to do with your ashes?" his friend asked. The businessman said, "Just put them in a parcel, post them to the Inland Revenue, and write on the outside, "Now you have everything!"

October 25th
A man was boasting about his faithful Jack Russell dog. "My little dog is really clever. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning without fail." His friend replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The boaster replied, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

October 26th
Two drunk men were walking home along the railway line. The first drunk said, "There's a heck of a lot of steps here. The second drunk said, "Yes and I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is very low down!"

October 27th
A young French entrepreneur noticed that very few eating-houses in Paris had rabbit on the menu. He decided to start a business raising the finest Angoran rabbits and selling them to the best restaurants. It proved to be very difficult to find a suitable place to raise his rabbits but eventually the Archbishop of Paris said he could have a small area behind the cathedral. He successfully raised wonderful animals, and went about Paris selling them. A restauranteur asked him where his farm was. The man replied, "I just have a small holding, near the cathedral. You could call it, I suppose, a hutch back of Notre Dame!"

October 28th
My thanks to Dr. Trevor Anderson for this rather topical joke:

At the "Wailing wall" in Jerusalem was the usual throng of Jewish faithful, nodding and bobbing as they prayed before the wall. Among them was seen an elderly gentleman in a white robe with an unusual hat on his head. When approached it was found that it was, in fact, His Holiness Pope John-Paul II. He was asked what he was doing. "I am praying for peace in our troubled world," he replied, "for the peoples of the Middle East to live in harmony, for peace in Afghanistan, the Balkans and in Africa." "To which God are you talking?" he was mischievously asked. "To the one true God of course, the Father of our Lord Jesus, who came into our world to give His life for our salvation." Some time later he was still there. "What are you praying for now?" he was asked. "I am praying for the people of Northern Ireland to live together in peace and harmony. That Catholics and Protestants would talk to each other and start to love one another." "And to whom are you talking now?" "Oh, I'm just talking to the wall!" he sadly replied.

October 29th
A rather peculiar young lady went to the doctor in some distress. "My stomach is causing me a lot of pain, Doctor," she said. "What have you been eating?" asked the doctor. "Well, I've taken quite a liking for snooker balls recently," she replied. "Snooker balls?!" exclaimed the amazed doctor. "That's odd, what kind do you eat?" "All kinds," replied the woman, "Yellow ones for breakfast, blue ones for lunch, black and brown ones for dinner and white ones for supper." "Aha!" said the doctor. "I know what's wrong - you haven't been getting your greens!"

October 30th
This story is supposedly true:

A mother took her children to an open farm. This farm had not only traditional animals but also an elephant. The car park was full when they arrived, so she parked her red Volkswagen beetle on a little pathway that leading up to the entrance. Everyone enjoyed themselves immensely but suddenly the mother remembered that she was supposed to pick up her husband that evening at the airport. She gathered the family together and they all rushed back to the car only to find that the front end of the car was bashed in. The manager appeared and said, "I'm sorry about your car, but don't worry, we will pay for your repairs." He explained that Mary the elephant had been trained in the circus to sit on a red tub. "When Mary saw your car, she automatically thought she was supposed to sit on it." Since the Volkswagen engine was in the back, the car was still driveable. The family set off and as time was short the woman drove really fast on the motorway. As she came around a bend there was a line of cars stopped at the scene of an accident. She therefore went onto the hard shoulder and made her way past the queue. She didn't notice the two policemen on motorcycles at the accident scene. One was writing while the other was directing traffic. The first one looked up and saw the damaged VW racing away from the accident. He ran to his bike, and gave chase. When he pulled her over he said, "Don't you know it is against the law to leave the scene of an accident madam?" She replied, "But I wasn't in any accident!" "So what happened to your car?" he asked, pointing at the front. She replied, "An elephant sat on it." That's when she was asked to blow into a little bag!

October 31st
Hallowe'en humour:

Did you hear about the vampire who joined the police force so that he could learn how to arrange a stakeout?

A courageous photographer went to a haunted house hoping to get a picture of the ghost. He sat quietly in the dark until midnight when the ghost suddenly became visible. He turned out to be a very friendly ghost and agreed to pose for one photograph. The photographer took the picture, but didn't realise that his batteries were poor. The photographer rushed home to develop the picture but was very disappointed to find that it was under-exposed and completely blank.

And the moral of the story? The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak!

Do you know a vampire's favourite pick-up line? - "What's your type?"