SEPTEMBER 2001





September 1st
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit with some friends. It was her turn to play. The dice landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you were in a vacuum and someone called your name, would you be able hear it?" She thought carefully and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

September 2nd

A tutor who tooted the flute,
Tried to teach two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it easier to toot,
Or tutor two tooters to toot?"

September 3rd
A man was in his front garden mowing the lawn when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went down to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and went back into her house. A little later she came out of the house again, went to the mailbox, opened it, and slammed it shut again. Looking very angry she went into the house again. Ten minutes later, she came out again, opened the mailbox and slammed it really hard. The man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She snapped, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

September 4th
A farmer is driving down the road and spots a sign that reads "Horse For Sale". He decides to stop and look at the horse to see if it is of good quality. He talks to the owner who tells him that the horse is the fastest horse alive, but will only run when the phrase "Praise The Lord" is spoken, and will only stop if the rider shouts "Hallelujah". The farmer gets on the horse and screams out, "Praise the Lord!" The horse takes off at an amazing speed and runs for miles. The farmer soon realises he is coming up on a very high cliff that drops off to a deep valley below, and decides he had better stop the horse, when he realises he can't remember the word to stop the horse. Hoping to hit the right word, he starts shouting out religious words like "AMEN!" ... "GLORY!"... "AMAZING GRACE!" He sees he's getting closer and closer to the cliff, when right at the edge of the cliff he yells "HALLELUJAH!!!" The horse stops dead in his tracks. Shaking from the fright the farmer wipes the sweat from his brow, looks up to heaven and shouts with feeling .... "Praise the LORD!"

September 5th
During an English lesson, the attractive young lady teacher wrote on the blackboard with deliberately bad grammar, "I don't get no fun anymore." "Now, Mary", she said, turning to one of her less-bright pupils, "how could I improve this?" After some thought, Mary replied, "Well, you could get a new boyfriend!"

September 6th
I am indebted to a German medical student, Ulrich Rother, who has been working in my hospital for several weeks, for the following excellent joke:

A man is out driving in his car when he runs into a very bad traffic jam. After an hour during which he doesn't move anywhere, he sees a policeman who is going round talking to all the angry drivers. Eventually the policeman stops at the man's car, and the man asks him why there is such a bad hold up. The policeman says, "There is a very depressed man standing at the front of the queue. He has trouble paying his rent, in fact he owes £1000 and says that if we don't give him the money he will pour petrol over himself and set himself alight! So I am going round collecting for him." "Oh," says the motorist, "how much have you collected so far?" "About ten gallons!" replied the policeman.

September 7th
Thanks once again to Ulrich for translating this joke from the German:

A lady is out walking with her dog, when she meets a man friend who stops to chat. The man says to her, "That is a very handsome dog, is he clever as well?" "Yes," replies the woman, "he is so clever that you would think he is human!" "Oh," said her friend "give me an example of what he can do." "Well, if I leave home and have forgotten something, and I ask Rover what I have forgotten, guess what happens!" The man replied, "I suppose that he runs home and fetches whatever it is." "No", said the woman, "he sits down and thinks about it!"

September 8th
Some points to ponder:

1. Is there another word for "synonym"?
2. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
3. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
4. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
5. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
6. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
7. Why is is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
8. If an oriental man gets dizzy, does he become disorientated?


September 9th
While driving along a back road, two men from Tyneside in a removals lorry came to a low bridge with a sign that said "Max. Headroom 12'6". The driver said, " The lorry is 12'11" high, what do you think we should do?" The other man looked around carefully, then said, "I don't see any policemen around - let's have a go!"

September 10th
Words of wisdom:

1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of failing memory.

3. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

4. It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to seek permission.

5. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the holiday.

6. Eat well, keep fit, die anyway.

7. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes!

September 11th
A magician was working on a cruise ship off the South African coast. Because the audience kept changing, the magician would do the same tricks over and over again. The captain's parrot saw the magic show every week and picked up how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of every show: "Look, it's up his sleeve! Look, he's hiding a rabbit under the table! Those cards are all the Ace of Spades!" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about it, after all, it was the captain's parrot. One day the ship ran into a storm and sank. The magician found himself floating on a door in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred for several days, but neither said anything. After a week the parrot finally said: "OK, I give up. What did you do with the boat?"

September 12th - 14th

The website was suspended on these dates as a mark of respect to the many who lost their lives in the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and at Pittsburg on Tuesday 11th September 2001.



September 15th
This site has been criticised on the Internet as being sexist (because of its "blonde" jokes) so here are some anti-man jokes for a change:

Why do men prefer blondes? Blondes have intellects to match their own.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What did God say after creating man? "I can do better."

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed!

September 16th
A customer walks into a restaurant and sees a large sign on the wall: "We'll give you £100 if we can't come up with your order!" Keen to make a fast hundred, when the waiter arrives, he orders crocodile dung on rye bread. A few minutes later the manager comes angrily to the customer's table, slaps five twenty-pound notes down on it and says, "OK, so you caught us out this time, but I should tell you that that's the first time in five years we've had no rye bread!"

September 17th
A man walked into a pub and asked, "Does anyone here own that Rottweiler outside?" "Yes, I do!" says a tough looking man, standing up with fists clenched. "What about it?" "It's just that my Pomeranian just killed him!" "Killed him - how could he do that?" the man at the bar asks, disbelievingly. "Well, it got stuck in your dog's throat!"

September 18th
To many people, the game of cricket is something of a mystery. But it needn't be so! Here is a simple explanation:

The game is played by two teams. The first team is in and the second team goes out. Some of the team which is in, go out. The team that is out, tries to get the team that is in, out. When one of the team that is in, is out, he goes in and the next one goes out. Then when all of the first team (except one) that is in, is out, the second team that is out goes in. The first team now goes out and tries to get the second team, who now are in, out. Only when both teams have been in and out twice does the game end. Got it? Good!!!

September 19th
Two elderly people were on a church-organised holiday in a small seaside resort. He was a widower and she a widow. On the last night They were at the same table, side by side. Towards the end he plucked up courage and asked, "Will you marry me?" After careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, I will." Next morning, he was perplexed. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. At breakfast, in fear and trembling, he explained to her that his memory wasn't what it used to be. Then he reminisced over the lovely evening past. As his courage increased, he finally asked, "When I asked last night if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said yes I would and I really meant it." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you mentioned it this morning, because I couldn't remember who had asked me!"

September 20th
A vicar, notorious for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his sermon. The man returned just before the end of the service. Afterwards the vicar asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut." was the reply. "But," said the vicar, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the man replied, "I didn't need one then!"

September 21st
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show everyone. They looked at the photos and the hostess commented "These are great! You must have a good camera!" He didn't respond, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good saucepans!"

September 22nd
Three fellows are fishing in the Bahamas. One fellow says, "I had a terrible explosion - I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here." The second fellow says, "I had a terrible fire - I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here." The third fellow says, "I had a terrible flood and I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here." Surprised, the other fellows asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"

September 23rd
A young couple invited their church minister for Sunday lunch. While they were in the kitchen working on the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having for lunch. "Goat," said the little boy. "Goat?" replied the minister, "are you sure?" "Yes," said the youngster. "I heard Daddy say to Mummy after church last week, "Might as well have the old goat for lunch next Sunday!"

September 24th
Three men stranded on a desert island found a bottle and rubbed it. Out came a genie. "OK, I believe the tradition is to offer you three wishes," said the genie. "I wish I could go home." said the first man. Instantly he was gone. "I wish the same," said the second man. In a puff of smoke he was gone also. "Well," said the genie to the third man, "what would you like?" The third man said, "I would like my friends back!"

September 25th
A few words of wisdom:

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!

September 26th
Finding one of her pupils making faces at others on the playground, the lady teacher stopped to gently the child off. With a smile, the teacher said, "Michael, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and I would be be ugly all my life." Michael looked at her intently for a few moments and replied, "Well, Mrs. Atkinson, you can't say you weren't warned!"

September 27th
"What flavours of milk shake do you have?" inquired the customer in McDonald's. "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the young woman behind the counter very hoarsely. Sympathetically, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No" replied the sales girl, "just vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate!"

September 28th
Three boys are in the playground boasting about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him £100." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him £200." The third boy says, "My dad is the best! He scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

September 29th
An exhausted-looking man went to the doctor's surgery. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all night, and I can't get to sleep." "I have good news," the doctor answered, starting to write a prescription, "These new sleeping pills are great. A few of these and your problem is solved!" A few days later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doctor, your idea didn't work. I'm more tired than before!" "Can't understand that," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills available!" "That may be true," answered the man, but I'm still up all night chasing dogs and when I finally catch one it refuses to swallow the pill!"

September 30th
A man is driving up a narrow mountain road. Suddenly he meets a woman driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and screams, "PIG!!" Furious, the man leans out his window and replies, "IDIOT!!" They each continue on their way, but just as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road!